Vol. 11, No. 2,586W - The American Reporter - February 20, 2005

Make My Day

by Erik Deckers
American Reporter Humor Writer
Syracuse, Indiana

SYRACUSE, Ind. -- Most people think April is one of the more boring months of the year. After all, we only get April Fool's Day, and sometimes Easter, plus it rains for 28 of the 30 days. However, most people don't realize April is filled with all kinds of holidays, festivals, and celebrations that allow us to celebrate each of April's 30 days.

April is also an entire celebratory month. For example, it's Keep America Beautiful Month AND National Garden Month, which is appropriate for the beginning of Spring. But don't get too nervous if your neighbor down the street is making her yard look nicer than yours, even though it's National Anxiety Month.

But what if you don't have a green thumb, and you lean toward the industrial arts? Never fear, because it's also National Welding Month, which means you can weld shut all the doors on your snooty green-thumbed neighbor's house.

April is National Humor Month, which is a chance for you to regale your friends and family with the latest jokes you found on the Internet. But, if you're hearing the same "how many Luddites does it take to change a light bulb" joke for the 37th time, just nod your head and go "uh-huh," because it's also Uh-Huh Month.

April is a month for food lovers. April 2nd is National Peanut Butter and Jelly Day, the 16th is National Eggs Benedict Day, and the 17th is National Cheeseball Day. It's also National Pecan Day on the 14th, Garlic Day on the 19th, National Pigs In A Blanket Day on the 24th, National Zucchini Bread Day on the 25th, and National Shrimp Scampi Day on the 29th.

April 3rd is both Tweed Day and Don't Go To Work Unless It's Fun Day. However, since the 3rd falls on a Saturday this year, most people won't be going to work anyway. But if you normally have to work on Saturday, April 4th is Tell-A-Lie Day, which means you can lie to your boss about why you didn't show up the day before. Of course, April 4th is on Sunday, so you may want to rethink the whole lying thing.

April 7th is No Housework Day, which means you can take the day off from cleaning your home, and not feel guilty. But if your friends and family start complaining that you live in a pigsty, blame somebody else, because it's Blame Somebody Else Day on April 13th. But if there's no one else to blame, make something up about giants and dragons, because it's Tell A Story Day on April 27th.

Or, if you'd rather tell your children a bedtime story, make one up about Melvin and Herbert the Happy Lab Rats, and help your kids celebrate World Laboratory Animal Day on the 23rd.

Still stuck in the 70s? Don't despair, because it's Eight-Track Tape Day on April 11th. The organizers originally wanted to have their day on April 8th, but that was taken up by the All Is Ours Day, which by a surprising coincidence is only seven days before you have to send in your tax returns, which should be called All Is Theirs Day. And in the same month, April 5th is Go For Broke Day, which is what you'll be doing in the next ten days.

And what do we celebrate on April 15th? Rubber Eraser Day! That seems appropriate, since many of us are doing our taxes at the last minute, hurriedly scribbling down figures, and erasing our mistakes. I think April 15th should also be Vow To Do This In January Next Year February At The Latest Day. The government's response to all of this? "Sorry Charlie." That's because April 6th is Sorry Charlie Day.

Speaking of food, it's National Jelly Bean Day on the 22nd, and National Pretzel Day on the 26th. The 26th is also Richter Scale Day, which if you eat everything we've celebrated this month, you'll need a Richter Scale to weigh yourself.

Are all of these celebrations starting to stress you out and make you a nervous wreck? Not only is April National Anxiety Month, it's also National Stress Awareness Day on April 16th. And to help you relax, it's Look Up At The Sky Day on April 16th, International Jugglers Day on the 18th, and Kiss-Your-Mate Day on the 28th.

And finally, April 30th is National Honesty Day, which is the day you tell me how much you loved this column. But I'm also declaring it National Lie Like A Rug To Save My Feelings Day in case you didn't like it.

Copyright 2005 Joe Shea The American Reporter. All Rights Reserved.