HOLIDAY GIFTS TO GAG ON
American Reporter Humor Writer
TAMPA -- Well, I certainly hope that your holiday was full of hope, joy and love. In an effort to share my sense of well-being with all of today's most visible characters, I engaged in my usual holiday routine of sending gifts to those who have helped me take this column to the depths of borderline insanity.
I mail these gifts each year with no expectation of reciprocity. I do it as an act of pure altruism - for those less fortunate than I in my own mind's eye. With this established, here is my gift list with accompanying literary yuletide cheer:
For the President of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals: A photograph of Roy Horn (of Siegfried & Roy) being mauled by his pet tiger with affixed shirt box and card stating:
"I hope this macabre photo brings a smile to your face as you continue to fight your Left Wing battle to reorganize the food chain. Perhaps if you went about your business a tad more tactfully, I would not be compelled to enclose this tee shirt for your son or daughter which proclaims: "Ask my daddy how many trees he slaughtered to make his Christmas cards." Regards, Larry Lieberman/The President of People for the Ethical Treatment of Plants.
For Senator Joseph Lieberman: A humongous gauze pad to facilitate the coagulation of blood platelets on his back where Al Gore inserted his political sword, plus a Hanukkah card proclaiming:
"I hope this pad helps begin the healing process for your publicly-debilitating career wound. Though I am sure it is of no consolation, please enjoy the ride as Howard Dean rants, vents and babbles his way out of mainstream consciousness - just in time to win the Democratic nomination, yet lose the overall election. Also, you may want to adjust your diet to include more fiber because the all-kasha-and-matzo diet is consistently making you sound and appear constipated when speaking in public." Regards, Larry Lieberman/The President of People for the Ethical Treatment of Liebermans.
For Michael Jackson: A $5 million gift certificate for legal retainer services at the firm of Cochran, Cochran and - Unfortunately - More Cochran, in addition to a card reciting:
"I am so sorry to hear of your continuing legal 'foibles' and apologize that I was unable to attend your self-aggrandizing, support gala. (I still cashed your check and turned in the tickets for a voucher, however.) I know that when you say you have a "special place" for children, it is likely 60-40 you are referring to your heart. By the way, have you looked in the mirror I bought you last year yet? You may want to have a peek before court. Also, please stop wearing the bandana I gave you in 2001 as a mask to cover the maxillofacial surgical scars because I plan to borrow the garment to dress like a pirate at Mardi Gras 2004." Regards, Larry Lieberman/The President of People for the Ethical Treatment of Gloves.
For Rush Limbaugh: My loose-with-the-prescription-pad doctor's phone number and a card relating:
"I empathize with your recent troubles with addiction. I developed back trouble from all the bending down at liquor stores to reach the 'cost-effective' brands which helped me afford my four-shot tequila and cough syrup breakfast, lunch and dinners. Soon, the pain from my aching spine proved too much to bear and I, too, had to hire a maid/prescription painkiller runner. With the combination liquor and painkiller episodes darkening nearly all of my days, I took to going shirtless on the chance I might appear on a drug-related episode of 'Cops.' However, all that resulted was an uptick in junk mailings from Jenny Craig. (I went on the $1 per pound lost program and came away with $35 for the weight gained!)
"Nonetheless, I soon resigned myself to the acceptance that I was in need of help and, with God, Ben & Jerry's Heath Bar Crunch ice cream and Judge Paul Levine on my side, I was able to move forward to better times. Though I now smoke twelve cigars a day to prevent myself from eating ice cream with my fingers, my family can rest easier knowing they have the old, non-addictive personality Larry back." Regards, Larry Lieberman/The President of People for the Ethical Treatment of Substance Abuse Counselors.
For Saddam Hussein: A poster of Tobey McGuire along with a Hanukkah card stating:
"I hope this picture of spider man really spruces up your cell and brings reminders of your glory days directing the jihad from your spider hole as the President of Iraq. As a capitalist, might I remind you that leveraging yourself is key in a negotiation. Perhaps in the future, you will save your regime by making concessions prior to being apprehended by gun-toting Americans as you enjoy your afternoon mouthful of cheese whiz in your palatial sinkhole." Regards, Larry Lieberman/The President of Jewish People for the Ethical Treatment of Humanity.
For President George W. Bush: A container of pre-chewed pretzels, the board game "Candyland" and a card proclaiming:
"I was going to send you "Monopoly" but I figured Vice President Cheney already had a version of Halliburton's home game which he's played with you on several occasions. If "Candyland" proves too difficult, have Laura read the directions for you. Remember, do not eat any of the game pieces, as they are fabricated and not for consumption - much like imported American beef at the Tokyo Hilton. In addition, I would like to thank you for raising the national security level to orange as a precaution in these times of great trepidation. As a result, I notified Tampa International Airport security of a suspicious group of men near Airside A and they were quickly interrogated regarding possible links to Al-Qaida. Though the gathering turned out to be a cab stand overflowing with waiting drivers, an Air France flight to Los Angeles was canceled nonetheless - and any activity which results in less French people in America has got to be considered a positive." Regards, Larry Lieberman/The President of People for the Ethical Treatment of Elderly Florida Voters' Hanging Chads.
There you have it. Another holiday season has come and gone (save for the remainder of Kwanzaa). I ask you to be safe on the roads this New Year's Eve and always assign a designated driver not a member of The Rolling Stones.
In closing, keep sending profiles on your candidates for "Moron of the Year" to MoronColumns@Hotmail.com. We have some quality material to consider already. If you choose to elect someone you know personally, please leave me an email address so I contact you for more information.
Thanks and Godspeed.