Vol. 11, No. 2,661W - The American Reporter - June 19, 2005

Make My Day
YOU'RE OUTTA HERE!

by Erik Deckers
American Reporter Humor Writer
Syracuse, Ind.

SYRACUSE, Ind. -- Pity poor Cole Bartiromo.

His high school administrators thought he was a thief and a swindler, so they kicked him off the high school baseball team.

It turns out he was ("allegedly") a thief and a swindler, but that didn't matter to Bartiromo. He's suing Trabuco Hills High School in Mission Viejo, California for kicking him off the team, claiming it ruined the millions he was going to make as a professional baseball player.

Bartiromo was kicked off the team because he "allegedly" ran two different fraudulent Internet-based stock schemes, before finally being caught by the Securities and Exchange Commission. In one scheme, Bartiromo artificially inflated stock prices in what's called a "pump-and-dump." In the second, he ran an investment company that guaranteed profits of up to 2500 percent by pooling investors' money to bet on sports events.

Understandably, the SEC got a little annoyed and filed charges against Bartiromo. So he gave $1.2 million in profits to the SEC without admitting guilt. That's why I have to say "allegedly."

So what does this have to do with Bartiromo's high school? Apparently in booting him from the team, he was not allowed to play in front of college recruiters and professional team scouts. Since they couldn't see him play, he couldn't be recruited. Since he couldn't be recruited, he couldn't get the multi-million dollar contract to to play professional baseball.

So Mr. Delusions-of-Grandeur is now demanding $50 million in compensation for the lost salary he supposedly would have earned playing for a major league baseball team. What's next? Suing the SEC because he can't become a stockbroker and make another $80 million?

Never mind that most college and professional scouts would have seen him play as a junior while they were scouting seniors. And never mind that, as a junior, they would have already had their eye on him. If they didn't flag him as a potential star when he was 16, they wouldn't change their minds when he was 17.

Bartiromo, who is now 18 and acting as his own attorney, filed the civil rights lawsuit in U.S. District Court in Santa Ana, California. He says his removal was a result of "personal vendettas" by school administrators. He believes they were envious of his notoriety and local fame.

In the lawsuit, Bartiromo says the school's athletic director said that having him on the team "makes us look like idiots" to other coaches and teams.

Bartiromo also claims that he was accused of "bogus infractions" and that some of his personal information was removed from the school yearbook. There was no word whether phrases like "alleged thief and swindler" were part of that personal information.

"Instead of savoring every final moment of that final year to remember, Bartiromo has been left with thoughts of horror and the discrimination he endured," he said in his lawsuit.

It's surprising that Bartiromo's "thoughts of horror" come from his removal from the baseball team, and not the potential $100 million-plus penalty the SEC may hit him with.

"I wish we could get this over with so I can move on," Bartiromo told the Los Angeles Times about the pending nine-figure fine. "I can't do anything until this is settled. I'm just sitting on pins and needles here."

Actually, Cole, you won't be able to do anything even after it's settled. Major league super-stardom or not, there's no way you'll be able to cough up 100 million smackers. You'll be dead for 750 years before that thing's finally paid off.

Besides, I don't know what I'd do if I was waiting for a $100 million weight to drop on my head, but suing my former school for deflating my pipe dreams of major league super-stardom would not be the first thing I'd think of.

Let's face it, kid, if people were jealous of your local fame, they're not anymore. Now you just look like a greedy whiner who doesn't like the fact that someone made you face the consequences of your actions. If I were you, I'd pray to the Patron Saint of Alleged Liars and Swindlers that the SEC decides to forget about the $100 million. This suit will not score you big Karma points with the SEC.

Plus you've got as much chance of making it in the big leagues as you do taking supermodel Gisele Bundchen to Round Tony's All-You-Can-Eat Bratwurst Buffet. So drop the unattainable baseball fantasy and the $50 million lawsuit, and repeat after me:

"There is nobility in flipping burgers. I will face the consequences for my actions. 'I am the master of my fate; I am the captain of my soul.' Would you like fries with that?"

Copyright 2005 Joe Shea The American Reporter. All Rights Reserved.