THE CAMPAIGN ROAD TO NOWHERE
American Reporter Humor Writer
TAMPA, Fla, -- Is it in you?
No, not the Gatorade - the fever!!!
Can you feel it?
Inspired by the second greatest show on earth - the California recall - I have been infected with election-season fever and hereby announce, for the very first time on record, my intention to run for President - of the Alico Estates Homeowner's Association.
I have partaken of a tremendous amount of introspection with regard to the gravity of the task at hand. Buoyed by the notion that an actor turned security guard, a security guard turned actor, a porn star and a porn star advocate/editor have stepped forward to restore credibility to the election process - no thanks to the carport state in which I reside - it is time I make my run for glory.
Registered voters of Alico Estates, meet Lawrence David Lieberman:
My Background. I have resided within the borders of Alico Estates, a colony of 52 residential units located adjacent to the Gulf of Mexico, for nearly four years. During this tenure as a respected neighbor and confidant, I have assisted the people of this fine community in their efforts to normalize relations with its Pasco County surroundings and the behemoth super-power of next door: The United States of America. I have seen this grief-stricken community through a cornucopia of challenges, including sub-par drainage, teenage loitering, Halloween toilet-paperings and the Great Blackout of 12:12 to 12:15 AM on September 4, 2003. Yet, with the help of God, my wife and three children (none of which have tried to peddle you Girl Scout cookies as some of my opponents), I have managed to persevere so that I may lead this community to better times.
My International Policy. I firmly support the International House of Pancakes and all of its holdings. However, I dislike International Foods' coffee as it renders my mouthwash defenseless and, coupled with orange juice, creates an odor which can repel the most virile of all green flies. As for the Middle East, I'll go with whatever Dick Gephardt said.
My Domestic Agenda. My first initiative for Alico Estates on the domestic front will be the creation of a Department of Homelawn Security. To achieve this objective without a hike in homeowner's fees, I will merge the neighborhood crime-watch division with the platoon of late-night dog walkers into one, autonomous entity. (This means you no longer have to sit in your car on the corner of Bearcat and Calle Alta between 9 and 11:30 PM on weekends Carl.) Once established, the Department of Homelawn Security will function to prevent those who seek to "donut" our yards in a fit of acne-induced rage, in addition to doling out fines for those citizens who fail to comply with community statute AE576748.887354.hr (the 4' hedge rule).
Ancillary to the Department of Homelawn Security's creation on the domestic front will be the dissolution of the "architectural committee." Although Bernie, Abe and Florence have served us well, I feel approval of painting, fencing and home-additions will be more equitably meted out by folks not playing canasta during the decision-making process. As part of my paperwork-reduction policy, property alteration proposals will merely require completion of a lawyer-friendly, 10-page application which will be reviewed for code adherence and feasibility by an outsourced decorator named Ramone. (Should you choose to obtain a lawyer for said document preparation and cannot afford one, one will be assigned to you based upon nepotism with respect to members of my newly-formed government.)
Oh, one more thing: Frankie from down the street will assume grounds maintenance at a rate of $45 per month - a savings of $400 from the cost-prohibitive "professionally insured" outfit we currently use. (His mom just bought him a new trimmer.)
My Economic Plan. Under my administration, a 10% surcharge tax will be added to all items sold via garage or yard sales within the borders of Alico Estates. This will include any objects moved by way of ebay or other Internet auction site. Additionally, lemonade stands will require permitting and pre-paid inspection prior to launch date at a rate based upon the operator's disposition with regard to my administration. Finally, an annual carwash to raise escrow funds will be held each August in which we will affix the hoses necessary for hosting the event to anyone's home who has the audacity to leave on vacation and allow their newspapers to continue to litter their walkway.
My Education Policy. As part of my "no snowbirds left behind" program, all seasonal residents will be required to take a class addressing the virtues of golf cart ownership , the unsightliness of a nose laden with sun protection goop and the gastro-intestinal benefits of avoiding early bird buffets.
With respect to the education of Alico Estates' most precious commodity - its children - my ideology most emulates that of Carol Moseley Braun....primarily non-existent. (That and stagger the bus stops per Howard Stern.)
My Healthcare Policy. If you fall down on Alico Estates' property during my tenure, you will be promptly called a dope and sent the bill to replace the chipped cement caused by your dental impact. Only foreign dignitaries who have been severely wounded by a citizen's blatant ignorance while in Alico Estates will be offered medical reimbursement of any kind, provided they have a letter from Koffi Annan.
In closing, I humbly ask for the vote of all citizens of Alico Estates in the upcoming election. I realize the battle between myself and Danielle Wiley will be issue-driven and, despite her incessant plea that someone else take the job so she can "gain closure," my campaign will not be lulled into complacency.
On October 7, vote Lawrence David Lieberman, the people's choice ... and the man you didn't see naked in his garage while disposing of the garbage when his wife activated the garage door unexpectedly upon returning from shopping (sorry, Mrs. Whittle).
I must go now and attend to official business. Either my four-year-old now watches "Meet the Press" or his video has come to an end. Besides, I need to make sure I have a blank tape ready for the season premiere of "The Mullets." (If it was a movie, it would go straight to airline.)