Vol. 12, No. 2,856W - The American Reporter - March 18, 2006

Hominy & Hash

by Constance Daley
American Reporter Correspondent
St. Simons Island, Ga.

ST. SIMONS ISLAND, Ga. - Where was I when the distinction between fats, proteins, carbohydrates, nutrients, calories, cholesterol - good and bad - was taught? There are simple and complex carbohydrates. I'm in the dark. The shopping cart is filled with what we need for the week and yet John eyes each package and smirks before he says "Do you know how many trans fats are in this?"20

"No, I don't. Am I supposed to know why you're sneering?"

"Trans fats will kill ya."

"Oh, well, I didn't know," I said, then mumbling "do I care?"

Shopping isn't fun anymore. I used to decide between Campbell's and Heinz' and now I have to check out low fat as opposed to protein enriched; or, good source of complex carbohydrates vs. reduced calories.

Now, calories I do understand. One calorie is worth one unit of energy. You can go as far and as fast as your daily intake will can allow you. If you take in more than a genteel quota, and then sit around the house, you'll be like the joke: He was so fat that when he sat around the house, he sat around the house.

The carburetor, I do know, is under my hood; carbs are what are now coating my hips.

"I'm putting on a little weight," I mentioned.

"Well, what do you expect, what with all the carbs you eat," I heard back.

"What carbs? If anything, I'm eating starches. I eat breads, pasta, rice, peas, and the like."

"Those are carbs. If you stop eating those and start eating sirloin steak, butter and lobster, scrambled eggs, port rinds... ."

"Stop, stop, stop." I interrupt. "I'd be as big as a house."

So, what's a body to do? Do I want to live forever? Well, listen for the resounding "Yes."

As comfortable as I am sitting on my "fluffy" built in pillow, I better learn what I know I was never taught in school. Obviously, I did not learn everything in kindergarten. We can only learn from the experts and I'm beginning not to trust one of them. They all have started a school, a program, created a sure-fire brochure to accompany their line of diet foods and will rake in the big bucks while we fail at one program after another. And we can't go to them if we fail to lose. After all, they claim, they can't guarantee human nature. "Did you always eat the soy yogurt? Did you always do step aerobics every day?" If you slipped for one day, "Well, there you are," they'll say.20

What is perplexing to me as I write is I simply never paid attention when this phenomenon took hold of the American people. I'm not considering the super thin teenagers imitating Britney Spears, or the super fatty coming out of Golden Corral. I'm talking about the 15 pounds that slipped onto my frame while I wasn't looking. There didn't seem to be a reason for it. No reasons were offered when I asked but solutions were abundant.

A high-protein diet - few carbs - would be the answer. It's known as the Atkins diet, the one that went into disfavor a few years ago and then bounced back when the "experts" said Dr. Atkins was right. Then, if that doesn't work, the cabbage soup diet might. With this one, you can eat all the cabbage soup you want every day, stuff yourself, add a piece of fruit. This one has worked for my friend, Tricia. Check it out: http://www.netpackusa.com/cabbagesoup I'm not fond of cabbage so being told to eat as much as I might want did not entice me.

I can better understand a neutron than a nutrient. I do look things up. Nutrient: ... containing or conveying nutriments as solutions or vessels of the body.

As hard as I try to visualize that process, I'm lost. I once wanted to verify that two medications I was taking could be taken at the same time and that they were not contraindicated (as they say in the small print.)

"Oh, no, not at all," said my doctor. "You can take them together or separately, as you wish, they each attach to a different protein."20

Ah, there's something else I can look up: Protein: any of a group of nitrogenous organic compounds of high molecular weight, synthesized by plants and animals that upon hydrolysis by enzymes yield amino acids, etc. etc. etc. I won't go further because the farther I go, the darker it gets.

I just must have been absent that day.

Copyright 2006 Joe Shea The American Reporter. All Rights Reserved.

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