SOUP FOR GOV
by Clarence Brown
American Reporter Correspondent
SEATTLE, Wash. -- It is of course not unusual to see Dr. Soup in a state of smoldering fury, but when he stormed into the office today I knew that this was not ordinary rage.
What, I asked, is the matter?
The SPD, he said, is an acronym that stands for the Seattle Police Department, but Stupid etc. would come closer.
They have given me an ultimatum: either the skateboard or the walker, but not both.
I put on the diplomatic face, waiting for the sequel.
I explained to these idiots that I did not NEED the walker-it was merely a device to protect ordinary pedestrians. Something like a cow catcher on the front of a locomotive. I am talking pure altruism here...we skateboarders normally treat them as roadkill...but never mind.
And they said...?
They said nothing. They hugged one another with laughter. It was a sight to turn the stomach of even a normal homophobe.
So what are you going to do?
I'm doing what I should have done long ago. I am moving to a state where they understand a skateboarders, to say nothing of those with a walker.
The state of Ronald Reagan he said. Or Kalifornien, he said, spelling it out. That of course is the way Arnold wants it spelt. I have other plans.
You are not thinking of...?
Not only am I thinking of it, I've already paid the fee, he said. I am a candidate to displace Grey David in the Governor's Mansion in Big Sur.
Gray Davis, I murmured. And Sacramento...
Whatever, said Dr. Soup. Now here's my plan, which you, as a South Carolinian, have got to endorse.
I don't follow...I began.
Neither do we! Soup exclaimed. We don't follow. We secede! South Carolina had the answer! No more California, the joke of the nation. No Neo-Nazi Kalifornien. We turn our backs on the so-called Union. I am moving the capital to Catalina. What is left will be known as Baja Oregon.
Catalina! He said, his eyes misty with dreaming. A state capital to dream about. The people's representatives can surf to committee meetings! The National Guard of Baja Oregon will lend a whole new meaning to off-shore drilling!
Clarence Brown is a cartoonist, writer, and Professor Emeritus of
Comparative Literature at Princeton University.