Vol. 12, No. 2,856W - The American Reporter - March 18, 2006

Ink Soup

by Clarence Brown
American Reporter Correspondent
Seattle, Wash.

SEATTLE, Wash. -- It is of course not unusual to see Dr. Soup in a state of smoldering fury, but when he stormed into the office today I knew that this was not ordinary rage.

What, I asked, is the matter?

The SPD, he said, is an acronym that stands for the Seattle Police Department, but Stupid etc. would come closer.

Now what?

They have given me an ultimatum: either the skateboard or the walker, but not both.

I put on the diplomatic face, waiting for the sequel.

I explained to these idiots that I did not NEED the walker-it was merely a device to protect ordinary pedestrians. Something like a cow catcher on the front of a locomotive. I am talking pure altruism here...we skateboarders normally treat them as roadkill...but never mind.

And they said...?

They said nothing. They hugged one another with laughter. It was a sight to turn the stomach of even a normal homophobe.

So what are you going to do?

I'm doing what I should have done long ago. I am moving to a state where they understand a skateboarders, to say nothing of those with a walker.

A state...?

The state of Ronald Reagan he said. Or Kalifornien, he said, spelling it out. That of course is the way Arnold wants it spelt. I have other plans.

You are not thinking of...?

Not only am I thinking of it, I've already paid the fee, he said. I am a candidate to displace Grey David in the Governor's Mansion in Big Sur.

Gray Davis, I murmured. And Sacramento...

Whatever, said Dr. Soup. Now here's my plan, which you, as a South Carolinian, have got to endorse.

I don't follow...I began.

Neither do we! Soup exclaimed. We don't follow. We secede! South Carolina had the answer! No more California, the joke of the nation. No Neo-Nazi Kalifornien. We turn our backs on the so-called Union. I am moving the capital to Catalina. What is left will be known as Baja Oregon.

Catalina! He said, his eyes misty with dreaming. A state capital to dream about. The people's representatives can surf to committee meetings! The National Guard of Baja Oregon will lend a whole new meaning to off-shore drilling!

Clarence Brown is a cartoonist, writer, and Professor Emeritus of Comparative Literature at Princeton University.

Copyright 2006 Joe Shea The American Reporter. All Rights Reserved.

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