Vol. 12, No. 2,856W - The American Reporter - March 18, 2006


Ink Soup
THE DOCTOR IS IN . . . CORRIGIBLE

by Clarence Brown
American Reporter Correspondent
Seattle, Wash.

SEATTLE -- My cousin, Dr. Michael Watson, MD, of Bamberg, South Carolina, recently retired from 48 years of practice at the age of 76.

I hope that this does mean he has resolved to abstain from sending me such E-mails as these:

  • A man comes into the ER and yells "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her panties. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs in the lot, and I was in the wrong one.
  • At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," the patient sighed.
  • One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarction. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
  • I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test, placed the patient 20 feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked: he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
  • I was helping a patient into the bathroom when the patient exclaimed, "You're not coming in here with me. This is a one-seater!"
  • During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed his doctor that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" asked the doctor. "The patch." The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" The doctor had him quickly undress and discovered what he hoped he wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over 50 patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
  • While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "Since when have you been bedridden? " After a look of complete confusion, she answered, "Why, not for about 20 years - when my husband was alive."
  • I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
  • A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rock Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

Clarence Brown is a cartoonist, writer, and Professor Emeritus of Comparative Literature at Princeton University.

Copyright 2006 Joe Shea The American Reporter. All Rights Reserved.

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