Make My Day
MY EDITOR IS SUCH A WONDERFUL PERSON!
by Erik Deckers
American Reporter Humor Writer
SYRACU.S.E, Ind. -- It's an age old problem, affecting men and women, young and old, smart and stupid. There's 1) what they should have said (or wanted to say), and 2) what they did say.
1. Happy birthday, dear. I remembered when we first met, you said you had always wanted a pair of diamond earrings. So here's a pair just for you on your special day.
2. You said the vacuum cleaner was broken, and this one was on sale. Look, it even has a linoleum attachment, so you don't have to use a broom in the kitchen anymore.
1. I'm working on the sales projections for next quarter's budget report.
2. Just downloading porn.
1. Oh yeah, while you tree-hugging granola heads are slogging your way through airports for the next three days, I'll be winging home on an Air Force jet, cutting into a nice juicy Porterhouse steak.
2. "Thank you, I have now heard you. I ask that you hear me."
(Secretary of State Colin Powell to hecklers at the World Summit on Sustainable Development in Johannesburg, South Africa.)
2. Wait until I tell my friends back home that I rode in the same elevator with Senator Jesse Helms and Senator Strom Thurmond.
1. "To be, or not to be: that is the question. Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troubles."
2. You mean I'll get $10,000 just for saying "Dude, you're getting a Dell?"
1. Start running. I'll count to 500, and then I'm coming after you.
2. "(H)e'll be taught a greater appreciation for nature and gravity as he hunts, kills, cleans and cooks for himself."
(Ted Nugent commenting that for $1 million, he would teach 'N Sync's Lance Bass about bow hunting, instead of Bass paying $20 million to spend several days at the International Space Station).
1. Of course he did it! The whole freakin' world knows it, except for you 12 morons!
2. If the glove does not fit, you must acquit.
1. Wow, I'm actually meeting Mike Tyson in person! Mr. Tyson, I'm a huge fan.
2. Those gold teeth look stupid and you talk like a girl. You probably hit like one too.
1. 'Tis better to have loved and lost, then never to have loved at all.
2. Since you're not seeing her anymore, do you mind if I ask her out?
1. I'd better read the manual first. I'd hate to chop off my fingers.
2. Manual schmanual, any idiot can operate a miter saw.
1. Yeah, so?
2. I did not have sex with that woman, Ms. Lewinsky.
1. It's a freakin' 15-year-old cat! He had two paws in the grave already, so he's sure not worth five million bucks. Besides, they still have the other four stupid cats they were traveling with.
2. "Animals are precious cargo and are treated accordingly."
(An unnamed Air Canada airline official commenting on a $5 million lawsuit filed by a self-employed artist over the airline's loss of one of her five cats).
1. Happy birthday, I got you that drill press you wanted.
2. Six months worth of dance lessons! I thought you could take me dancing sometime.
1. Garcon, we would like a bottle of the 2000 Vincent Girardin Corton-Charlemagne Merlot.
2. Gimme a Bud Lite, no glass.
1. I'll tell you where to stick your $10 "Lord of the Dance" membership pledge. We've got huge corporations shoveling thousands at us just to play their "underwriting messages."
2. At PBS, you can pledge any amount, from $5 to $500. We're just so grateful to everyone who takes the time to support the programming on their local public television station.
1. Your eyes are so blue and deep, I could just lose myself in them.
2. Pull my finger.
1. Hello, officer. What seems to be the problem?
2. Awww, what's the matter? Doughnut shop out of sprinkles again?
1. Wait a minute, what did she say? Can someone please tell me what Britney Spears just said? Hurry up, I have to go out on stage.
2. "When I was a little boy growing up in Indiana, if someone told me I'd be getting the Artist of the Millennium award, I'd never have believed it."
(Michael Jackson at the MTV Video Music Awards, thinking he was receiving the nonexistent Artist of the Millennium award, instead of well wishes on his 44th birthday).
1. You're right, sticking a scalding hot cup of coffee between my legs before driving away was pretty irresponsible. I guess I just wasn't thinking.
2. I'll see you in court, Ronald McDonald!
1. Hey everyone, look at me, I'm an annoying jerk! I'm showing up on TV commercials everywhere to annoy as many people as possible! I bet you'd love to punch me in the face if you ever met me in person. Neener neener neener!
2. Can you hear me now? Good!
1. Wow, chain saw juggling can be dangerous, especially after I've had too much to drink.
2. Hey y'all, watch this!