Vol. 12, No. 2,856W - The American Reporter - March 18, 2006


Make My Day
WHAT ABOUT THE NATURAL LAW PARTY?

Erik Deckers
American Reporter Humor Writer
Syracuse, Indiana

SYRACU.S.E, Ind. -- I've come to the conclusion that we're a country of whiners. Everybody is always unhappy about something, and they'll gripe, complain, and moan about it to anyone within earshot. Even something as simple as donkey and elephant statues brings out every crank and PC whiner in town.

According to an Associated Press article, this is happening in our nation's capitol right now. Inspired by Chicago's Cows on Parade, the Washington, D.C. Commission on the Arts and Humanities organized a citywide art exhibit, and placed donkey and elephant statues around town. The "Party Animals" exhibit, which is described by the AP as "whimsical," is made up of 100 donkeys and 100 elephants. Each statue is four feet tall, and weighs 800 pounds.

Considering it was Washington, I guess I shouldn't be too surprised that people complained.

The Commission has been accused of being too political, not being political enough, insulting to voters and politicians, and violating First Amendment rights.

"We're in a city that tends to take itself very seriously," said Tony Gittens, executive director of the Commission, sighing heavily.

"They're just a bunch of major league A--holes" Gittens added before being wrestled to the ground by an aide. Gittens was alluding to President George W. Bush's accidental comment about journalist Adam Clymer during the 2000 presidential campaign.

"Big time!" Gittens managed to shout before the aide clamped a hand over his mouth.

Leave it to the Green Party to make a political issue out of the exhibit. They said the display was "an affront" to all other political parties and independent voters. They wanted their party to be included in the display, and demanded that their symbol -- a wild-haired, Birkenstock-wearing, granola-munching tree-hugger -- appear with the donkeys and elephants.

The Communist party also demanded equal time. They want their symbol of a large, homely woman in a grey, nondescript jumpsuit to appear throughout the capitol.

Okay, that's not true. The Communist party was never mentioned, and the Green Party's symbol is actually a giant sunflower. But Scott McLarty, spokesman for the D.C. Statehood Green Party may have a point. "What if the commission had chosen just the elephant? The Democrats would have gone on the warpath," he told the AP.

There is no word whether the American Indian Movement, Our Red Earth, or Political Correctness activists from Cornell University and UC-Berkeley will sue McLarty over his cultural insensitivity in using the word "warpath."

However, despite the Greens' best efforts at suing the commission, U.S. District Judge Henry Kennedy threw out the lawsuit.

"Neener neener neener!" taunted Gittens, before being wrestled to the ground again.

On the other side of the political spectrum, officials from the Marine Corps asked the commission to move an elephant statue away from the Marine Barracks on Capitol Hill, because they felt it gave the impression they were endorsing the Republican Party.

Sorry, General, we didn't realize the Marines were such big peaceniks who supported arms reduction, reduced military spending, and gun control. We apologize for the confusion.

Unnamed sources within the Marines have also said they don't want anything "whimsical" near their barracks, since the word ". . . makes us sound like sissies."

Of course, where there's smoke, there's fire. And where there's elephants, you know PETA is skulking nearby. They sued the commission saying their First Amendment rights were violated when the Commission rejected their portrayal of an exploited circus elephant.

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals -- whose symbol is a wispy-bearded nancy boy scribbling angrily into a recycled paper journal -- paid $5,000 to sponsor the elephant, despite possible associations with the Republican Party. The elephant in question was weeping, bound in shackles, and wore a blanket emblazoned with "The circus is coming, see shackles -- bull hooks -- loneliness all under the big top."

The Commission said PETA's entry would "dampen the exhibit's festive tone," which was supposed to foster "an atmosphere of enjoyment and amusement." U.S. District Judge Richard Leon did a great imitation of Bill O'Reilly when he said, "Sorry Counselor, I'm not buyin' it," and ruled in PETA's favor.

Gittens had to be restrained from hurling hamburgers and bratwursts at PETA members. The city is deciding whether to appeal the decision, or just make peace with the animal-rights activists and invite them to next week's hog roast.

In a similar incident, the Commission also rejected a statue from an individual referring to himself only as "W." The statue was a donkey with a large hole in it and the words "Hey Adam Clymer, this is you" painted on the side.

But despite the feelings of whimsy and fun the statues were supposed to create, some locals are just plain tired of them.

"Two hundred or something, it's too much. They're an eyesore,"said cab driver Jay Vaughn as he sat in his bright yellow taxi with the funny smell in the backseat, playfully batting the fuzzy dice hanging from his rearview mirror.

However, some locals have gone beyond the Knee-Jerk-Griping stage, and have moved into the Can't-Form-Rational-Thoughts-So-Me-Smash stage. In the past couple weeks, somebody smashed a donkey with a baseball bat and an elephant with a steel bar.

"They were cowardly acts by people who came in the middle of the night," Gittens said, chin quivering slightly. He leaned forward and whispered "Personally, I think it was those freakin' Greenies. I told the Marines the Greens called 'em a bunch of wussies."

But not everyone hates the statues, and most have enjoyed the welcome change they have brought.

"We don't get much whimsy around here," said one observer, before being tackled by an angry mob of Marines.

"Whimsy, eh!" demanded one Marine. "You one of them damn Greenies?!"

Copyright 2006 Joe Shea The American Reporter. All Rights Reserved.

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