Vol. 12, No. 2,856W - The American Reporter - March 18, 2006


Make My Day
OF COURSE I WANT FRIES WITH THAT!

by Erik Deckers
American Reporter Humor Writer
Syracuse, Indiana

SYRACU.S.E, Ind. -- I thought it was only a joke at first, but further research shows it to be completely true.

A New York man is suing the four major fast food chains for his own obesity.

You read that right. A guy blames his fatness on restaurants and NOT his own eating habits. He blames his high blood pressure, high cholesterol, diabetes, two heart attacks and unwillingness to accept personal responsibility for his own actions on the fact that he has been eating fast food four or five times a week since the 1950s.

Caesar Barber, a 56-year-old maintenance worker who apparently has about as much sense as a bag of hamburgers, says he thought fast food was healthy.

"They said '100 percent beef.' I thought that meant it was good for you," the moron said in a Newsday interview. Apparently it never occurred to him that his diet lead to the 272 pounds he carries on his 5'10" frame. In fact, he claims that it wasn't until his first heart attack in 1996 that he realized his diet may have had something to do with his unhealthy weight gain. Where did he think it came from, the Fat Fairy?

So Barber filed a lawsuit in the New York State Supreme Court to rake in an unspecified amount of money (translation: "it's gonna be in the millions, Ronald!") against the Big Four -- McDonald's, Burger King, Wendy's, and KFC. The suit will soon be super-sized into a class action suit on behalf of an unspecified number of other morons who didn't know greasy, high fat food was unhealthy.

Experts predict this will be followed by lawsuits from people who didn't know loud music could hurt their ears, falling off tall buildings could kill them, or that sex causes pregnancy.

How freakin' stupid do you have to be, to not realize that fast food is bad for you? How could you miss decades of health warnings against eating too much fatty food? How many times have we seen Richard Simmons sweat to the Oldies to think "Hmmm, maybe there's something to this whole exercise thing I've been hearing about since the '70s?" Many people, myself included, enjoy eating a good cheeseburger now and then. But I also know that it's not good for me, so I make up for it by drinking beer and watching TV.

I also pride myself on being sympathetic toward other people's misfortunes, even if they brought it on themselves. I feel sorry for smokers suing the tobacco industry. I felt bad for the Canadian college student who died a couple years ago after pulling a pop machine over on himself trying to get a freebie. I even feel sorry for the stupid Belgian woman who was bitten by a jaguar on July 25 at the Antwerp Zoo after jumping into their enclosure to get a better picture.

But I draw the line at some irresponsible idiot who thinks The Four Horsemen of High Cholesterol owe him a living because he missed the part about how junk food can kill you.

"Those people in the advertisements don't really tell you what's in the food," he said in an Associated Press interview. "It's all fat, fat and more fat. Now I'm obese."

No, now you're stupid. Of course the fast food advertisements don't tell you what's in the food. They barely have enough time to indoctrinate our kids about all the cheap plastic crap that comes with every kid's meal, let alone warn you about health risks everyone on the planet is already aware of. You're supposed to figure that stuff out for yourself, like any responsible adult.

Any company trying to make a profit won't tell us a product is dangerous. It's like expecting car companies to say their product may result in speeding tickets, air pollution, and traffic accidents.

Announcer: Don't bother with some panty-waisted salad or highfalutin' grilled chicken on whole wheat! When you're hankering for a high cholesterol hamburger and some high fat fries, choke it all down at Heartstopper Hal's, home of the Bypass Burger. We'll keep the defibrillator on for you!

Barber's lawyer, Samuel Hirsch, is not much better. One would assume that the health risks of fast food is nothing new to him, yet he is doing anything he can to perpetuate this lunacy. Why? Because when the Big Four pony up their millions, Hirsch will be there like Hamburglar, rummaging his hands through Barber's Big-and-Tall pockets, demanding his share.

Hirsch big complaint is that the restaurants don't list ingredients on their menus. He makes this complaint even though nearly every fast food restaurant has been providing nutritional information, including calories, cholesterol, and fat content for years. And I'd bet Hirsch's legal fees they're posted right by the cash registers at all of Barber's favorite restaurants. . . where he ate four or five times a week for nearly 50 years.

However, Hirsch won't let facts get in the way of a huge monetary settlement. "There is direct deception when someone omits telling people food digested is detrimental to their health," he told the Associated Press.

Do these people live on Mars? Don't they have television? Haven't they been bombarded with Susan "Stop the Insanity!" Powter, Richard Simmons, Jared the Subway weight loss poster child, and every whacked-out food Nazi who attacks movie popcorn, Chinese food, and anything but Brussel Sprouts as being unhealthy? I can't swing a T-bone steak without hitting some nutritionist eager to tell me what red meat will do to my arteries, so how do a couple guys in New York miss all that?

You can't go two days without hearing about some new study that says your favorite food is not only unhealthy, but your head will explode if you eat another bite. So why is it the fault of the Big Four when the other 296,999,9988 Americans realized a long time ago that fast food is unhealthy?

In an attempt to excuse his irresponsibility, Barber is making it their fault for not saying "Hey tubby! Cut back on high fat foods, eat more vegetables, and exercise three times a week." In essence, Barber wants to blame his eating habits to the restaurants.

And maybe he's right. Since he wants us to believe he's not mature or responsible enough to choose what or where he eats, he's also not mature enough to vote, drive a car, hold a job, or be seen in public. Just wrap him up in a diaper, plop him down in front of the TV, and let him hang out with Marlon Brando.

I'm taking bets about who gets eaten first.

Copyright 2006 Joe Shea The American Reporter. All Rights Reserved.

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