Vol. 12, No. 2,856W - The American Reporter - March 18, 2006

Make My Day

by Erik Deckers
American Reporter Humor Writer
Syracuse, Indiana

SYRACU.S.E, Ind. -- Erik is out of the office this week, so we are printing a column - well, some doggerel - we lost waaaay back in 1997. Let us know if you think it should have stayed lost.

Here goes my "Ode to Court."

I've filed a lawsuit, I've failed a claim

Against that food peddler with the three-worded name

He harassed and cajoled me so I could not rest

And now I suffer from post-traumatic stress

I did not like Green Eggs and Ham

I told him and told him

But it was all just a scam

He followed and bothered me

He just would not go

It didn't matter that I told him 'No'

I did not like Green Eggs and Ham

So now I am suing that jerk Sam I Am

I've come to this court to tell you my tale

His green eggs were spoiled, the ham it was stale

Ten million dollars is what he should pay

I'm suing for everything. It's the American Way!

He's rich and he's wealthy and he's got lots of cash,

And I am entitled to some of his stash

He stalked and he stalked and he stalked me some more

His Green Egg and Hamming was becoming a bore

He harassed me with goats, in trains, and in cars

He followed me everywhere, he went way too far!

His green eggs were spoiled, the ham it was tainted

I was so sick that I nearly fainted.

I was nauseous and bloated and vomited for days

I could not see through my food-poisoned haze

The doctors were puzzled, baffled and bamboozled

And could not think of a rhyme for "bamboozled"

They examined my stomach, my head and my toes

They sent me to bed and stuck tubes in my nose

They pumped out my stomach and made my head spin

I felt even worse than when I went in

I finally went home for a much needed rest

I wanted to sleep, I did not feel my best

I tossed and I turned and lay awake through the night

Things just got worse, I did not feel right

I shouted and screamed, my frustrations I did vent

And my family, they left me. One day they just went

I slipped into depression, I began to decline

I smoked and I cried and I drank myself blind

My life was in ruins, my life was in tatters

My life was all over, now nothing else matters

I've lost all my family, I cannot find work

And so I am suing that food-peddling jerk

And now I'll give my tale a rest

So this fine jury I can address:

Convict this man, please put him away

Send him a message, make this man pay

Tell me your verdict, tell me your plan

About how you will punish this wretch Sam I Am

We the jury have decided his fate

It took us two hours. We just could not wait

We sat here for months without any rest

We gave it our all, we gave it our best

The moral of the story, I think you will find

If you are wealthy, then justice is blind.

Despite all the evidence, the photos and knife

We could not agree that he ruined your life

We're letting Sam out, we'll send him away

So speaks the jury that serves in L.A.

Copyright 2006 Joe Shea The American Reporter. All Rights Reserved.

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