Vol. 12, No. 2,856W - The American Reporter - March 18, 2006

by Erik Deckers
American Reporter Humor Writer
Syracuse, Indiana

SYRACU.S.E, Ind., June 1, 2001 -- {Editor's Note: In comments = yesterday, the White House press office advised media to "think over very c= arefully" our treatment of what was termed a "private family matter" concer= ning the adventures of First Twins Barbara and Jenna Bush. Having given the=

matter lengthy consideration, it is our conclusion that their run-ins with= the law deserve less coverage than those of President Clinton's brother Ro= ger, President Carter's brother Billy, President Kennedy's entire extended = family, and somewhat more than the coverage merited by President Johnson's = unfortunate beagle.

Announcer: Welcome to another weekly installment of Make My Day R= adio Theatre, brought to you by the Jimmy Buffet Basketball Appreciation an= d Anger Management Clinic.

And now this week's episode, "Sister, Can You Spare a 'Swirl Margarita'= ?"

(SFX: Ambient restaurant noise and strains of "Deep In The Heart= of Texas" are heard)

Marge: Welcome to Chuy's Mexican Restaurant here in afashion= able part of Austin, Texas. My name is Marge, and I'll be yourwaitress toni= ght. Can I get you anything to drink?

Jesse Day-Wickham (friend of Jenna and Barbara Bush): I'll h= ave one of your famous "swirl margaritas."

Barbara Bush (daughter of President George W. Bush, not hism= other): Could you make that two famous "swirl margaritas" please?

Jenna Bush (Barbara's twin): I'll have two shots of tequila and a Coro= na please.

Jenna ("interior monologue" voiceover): Heh heh heh, litt= le dothese fools realize that even though I'm the most recognizedpresidenti= al daughter after Chelsea Clinton, I can buy all the alcohol Iwant by using= a friend's valid identification.

Marge: Could I see some ID please?

Jesse: Here's mine.

Marge: Thank you. This says you're 23, and from El Paso. = Barbara: And here's mine.

Marge: This says's you're 22, and originally from Dallas. = Jenna: Here you go.

Marge: Hmmm. . . . this says you're a 57 year old Chinese wo= manfrom Seattle. Excuse me, I have to ask my manager a question that iscomp= letely unrelated to your drink order.

(SFX: footsteps to the kitchen)

Marge: Hey Bobby! I was just handed this ID by a woman who l= ooksa lot like the daughter of our former governor and current president,Ge= orge Dubya. But this picture looks nothing like her.

Bobby: Hey you're right, she does look like Jen= naBush. I didn't know Jenna was Chinese.

Marge: She's not, you idiot. She's American. And she's 19. I= heard that on the news when she received a ticket for underage drinkinga co= uple weeks ago. Let's see, if I remember correctly, Municipal CourtJudge El= isabeth Earle ordered Jenna to perform eight hours of communityservice, tak= e a six-hour alcohol awareness course and pay $51.25 incourt fees.

Bobby: Wow, where'd you hear all that?

Marge: Uh, it was on NPR last week. Should we serve her?

Bobby: Of course not! If she's not 21, then we can't serve h= er. According to the Texas Alcoholic Beverage Code, she has committed two C= lass C misdemeanors by misrepresenting her age and allegedly using false id= entification to purchase alcohol. If I remember my TABC training correctly,= both offenses carry a fine of up to $500, require attendance at an alcohol= awareness course, community service, and a 30-day driver's license suspens= ion. But since this is her second offense, her earlier punishment could be = revoked, and Austin prosecutor John Wall might actually seek a conviction.

Marge: (whispering): Quit hamming it up, Bobby! This is my o= ne big chance at radio theatre stardom, and I don't want you screwing it up= !

Bobby: (whispering): This is the only recognition I'm gonna = get. None of the newspapers even mentioned my name when they reported the s= tory! I had to make this name up just to get the part.

Marge: (normal voice): What about that other woman who looks= justlike her? I think that's Jenna's twin sister, Barbara.

Bobby: What does her ID say?

Marge: That's she's 22 and from Dallas.

Bobby: Go ahead and serve her and their suspiciouslyyoung-lo= oking friend.

Marge: What are you going to do?

Bobby: I'm going to call the police.

(SFX: footsteps back to table)

Marge: Here you go, two of Chuy's famous "swirl margaritas."=

Barbara: Why do you use quotes every time you say "swirlmarg= aritas?"

Marge: In case it's trademarked. I don't want to get= sued.

Jenna: Hey, what about my tequilas and Corona?

Marge: Uhhh ... we're still working on that, ma'am. It shoul= dbe right out to you.

(SFX: phone dialing)

Bobby: Hello, Austin City Police Department? My name is Bobb= yNolastnamegiven, and I am the manager at Chuy's Mexican Restaurant herein = a fashionable part of Austin.

911 Dispatcher: What do you mean by "fashionable," sir? = Bobby: That's journalist talk for "rich and snooty." But that'sno= t important right now. We have a serious situation here, and I didn'tknow w= ho else to call. Someone who looks like Jenna Bush is trying touse false id= entification to purchase alcohol!

(dramatic chord)

Austin 911 dispatcher: Don't worry, Mr. Nolastnamegiven. We'= llhave some officers and a political spin team over immediately.

= Bobby: Hurry, please! Oh the humanity. . . ! (hangs up)

Marge: Well, I served the drinks to those other two, but I'm= stalling Jenna.

(SFX: footsteps to table)

Marge: How's everything going? Can I get anyone a refill? = Jenna: Actually I'm still waiting for my first drink.

Marge: Oh, sorry dear. We're really swamped, and one of ourb= artenders is out sick tonight.

Jenna: But we're the only ones here! The Secret Service -- I= mean, some well-dressed strangers I've never seen before -- cleared outthe = restaurant two hours ago.

Captain Ball: Hello, I'm Captain David Ball of the TexasAlco= holic Beverage Commission. We're working with the Austin police toinvestiga= te alleged incidents of underage drinking by daughters ofcurrent U.S. Presi= dents. We just received an anonymous tip that somealleged underage drinking= might be taking place here.

Bobby: Thank God you're here, Captain Ball. I didn't know wh= atto do. I considered mentioning something to Ms. Bush in private, butfigur= ed that since she's the daughter of the president, I needed to callas much = attention to the situation as I could.

Captain Ball: You did the right thing, Mr. Nolastnamegiven. = Underage drinking at colleges and universities could become very serious. E= ven though less than one percent of the entire college population drinks be= fore age 21, underage drinking could easily become a serious problem in thi= s country. Our big concern is that if more college students begin to drink = before they're 21, it could lead to weekend binge drinking, irresponsible b= ehavior, lower grades. Some students might even join social fraternities or= sororities.

(dramatic chord)

Bobby: Thank you Captain Ball. I think we've all learned a v= ery valuable lesson here tonight.

Barbara: Yes, Captain Ball. I won't drink anymore until I'm = 21.

Marge: But I thought you were 22.

Barbara: Ha ha, we fooled you!

(Everyone laughs)

Announcer: And so ends another exciting episode of Make My D= ay Radio Theatre. Be sure to join us next week when Republican-turned-Indep= endent Senator Jim Jeffords learns about compassionate conservatism and the= morality of the Republican Party in "Jim Jeffords and the Anonymous Death = Threats."

Copyright 2006 Joe Shea The American Reporter. All Rights Reserved.

Site Meter