STAY HEALTHY WITH A CHURNING BELLY
American Reporter Humor Writer
TAMPA, Fla -- I named this piece of literary insignificance "Monday Moron" for quite a distinkt purpose. (Columnist's Note: Alternative spelling courtesy of author's lack of spell-check and affinity for irony to be found in latter stages of this article. It should also be noted that such an intentional spelling blunder worked to promote the alternative rock band Limp Bizkit, although I can no longer eat Pillsbury buttery biscuits without feeling homo-erotic as a result.)
I am a dolt of behemoth proportion.
I bought into the tooth fairy concept until I had a functional grasp of calculus. It was not until my parents refused to give me said fairy's mailing address to which I might forward the bill for the removal of my wisdom teeth that I was forced to resign myself to her non-existence.
I believed Bill Clinton when he said he did not have sexual relations with that woman, Mrs. Clinton.
Check that ... Ms. Lewinsky.
I was sold on Santa Claus for a bizarre 23 years - quite an incredible stretch for a Jewish kid. I even begged him for an Atari on my Bar Mitzvah! (If not for my Aunt Millie, I would still sweep the chimney in mid-December for precautionary purposes.)
All this aside, I was able to overcome my University of South Florida education and achieve literacy. As a result, I read the "Tampa Tribune" every day for practice in case a new Harry Potter novel with multi-syllabic text hits the book stores without the requisite six years notice.
Reading that much news teaches you a few things.
When informed by a recent article that most car accidents occur near the home, I gave up driving within a proximity of ten miles of my home. Though hitch-hiking to my vehicle in a neighboring county has proven a difficult task, so far, so good - no accidents! I even serendipitously foiled a potential crime in the process when I feigned compliance in a plot to insert a partially inflated balloon into my body cavity for a commuter named "Rush," who offered me a ride at my local 7-11 as I fretted my lack of transportation while dressed as the construction worker from 'N Sync on my way to a recent Halloween party. (Columnist's Note: Sorry, wrong group, but would anyone really be surprised if 'N Sync did a remake of YMCA?)
I was able to accomplish this act of crime-fighting by summoning the police via cell phone from the 7-Eleven restroom as I kept the suspect at bay by promising to horde corn nuts for him alongside aforementioned product to be concealed.
I have also established, more importantly, that newspaper reports touting late-breaking nutritional advice based upon medical "studies" have the equivalent credibility of a John Ashcroft-signed copy of "Dance Fever."
According to recent "studies," dark chocolate does a body "good," as does red wine, grain spirits in moderation and Subway sandwiches - when combined with a sensible diet, a twenty mile daily walk and laparoscopic surgery.
The late Dr. Atkins has suggested a breakfast consisting of eggs (whites removed), sauteed lard, bologna skin and deep-fried lamb pustules will maintain your optimal physical wellness. (Columnist's Note: Dr. Atkins did not return phone calls for comment in this "Monday Moron" edition regarding his well-known diet due to his untimely death at the age of 72, attributed to "natural causes other than what he had for breakfast over the years.")
Editor's Note: Just for the record, Dr. Atkins slipped on ice and fell on his head earlier this year. He was 72. Editor's Disclosure: I lost 22 pounds on his diet in October alone.
Butter is tolerable, but only in container form. Don not, under any circumstances, attempt to consume butter or related products in stick form, as you may become a "trial run" for the latest medi-fleet airlift pilot before you can ask, "Hey, did you realize that angina rhymes with vag@#*?"
All of this stuff is laughable to a rational human being. However, the worst news has now arrived as an American institution has come under attack in a recent Internet health article titled "Diarrhea Bug May Prevent Cancer."
When you start to insult the very fiber (pun intended) of American digestion, things start to get personal.
A study released in the "Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences" advises Americans that a common strand of E. Coli intestinal bacterial ingested in foreign food and water usually leading to diarrhea permits exposed adults to develop immunity to its often-fatal-to-children toxicological byproducts. At the same time, such bacterial "byproducts" have exhibited an ability to retard the division and metastasizing of colo-rectal cancer masses.
In layperson's terms, "Montezuma's Revenge," as it is often referred to by American travelers abroad, provides a colonic cleansing, cancer-preventive bacterial elixir as one savors a powerful, spastic diarrhea "event."
All of this healthful benefit transpires without permanent damage to the digestive organs and membranes involved. In other words, a quality run for your ass serves every bit the purpose as one for your cardiovascular system, from a longevity standpoint.
I'll bet the lead researcher on this project could use one of those moist towelettes they give you at the Chinese restaurant and a series of ten tomato soup showers while attired as a cheerleader. (See "Monday Moron" column published on 10/27/03.)
I'll also be damned if I'm going to sit back and let some ivory tower medical researcher tell me that Uncle Sam's water and food products are sub-standard because they contain less bacteria!!! Besides, shouldn't the quality, not the quantity, of bathroom unpleasantries count for something as a yard stick in evaluating causal relationships on rates of cancer?
Are these people suggesting I need to eat at Taco Bell or Panda Express more frequently so that I may spend more time hosting bodily toxins and liquidating my colon as a cancer deterrent?
Funny, I always thought that dehydration was a BAD thing.
In addition, may I be so bold as to suggest that I have yet to meet a fellow citizen who has overtly pined for the burden of digestive issues resulting from bacteria-free water. There is a free-market reason that E. Coli is not sold in pill or patch form at my local pharmacy.
Cancer is probably 65-35 percent genetic to environmental in my opinion. Cleaning out the system three times per day can't hurt, but in a natural manner. Try eating more fiber and less groceries laden with chemicals and preservatives. Nonetheless, if you think gas and loose stool will effect your risk factors on the positive side, go two-ply and subscribe to better magazines.
I know this. Americans lead the world in the retention and expansion of cellulite and I find the existence of a "study" alleging the fare of foreign lands is far superior at sending buffet patrons shuffling to the restroom with clenched cheeks to be an affront to Americans everywhere. I implore my fellow citizens to invest in a disease-ridden, Tex-Mex restaurant at his/her earliest convenience in an attempt to reverse this startling trend.
Remember, the ass you save just may be your own.