WE DON'T NEED NO STINKING TREES
American Reporter Humor Writer
TAMPA, Fla -- His name is Adam Roberts and he is an environmental wacko (on Rush Limbaugh's word alone, but probably for good reason). Perched (pun intended) atop his bully pulpit as a senior research associate at the Animal Welfare Institute, he recently took issue with the Bush administration's proposed changes to long-standing conservation policies concerning endangered species existing within indigent nations.
"It's a very dangerous precedent to decide that wildlife exploitation is in the best interest of wildlife," said the sage Mr. Roberts to "The Washington Post" in reference to the prospect of allowing American business interests to purchase and/or kill threatened animals from foreign lands for economic purposes.
Adam Roberts is a shrewd pragmatist, if nothing else. I'll bet he can operate a Segway human transport scooter without being reminded to activate the power switch before operation.
Perhaps his skepti-cynicism (still my word alone and probably for good reason) is driven by suspicion that payments to third-world governments earmarked for the sustenance and habitat development of wildlife nearing extinction will typically be used for other purposes - such as the sustenance and habitat development of aforementioned third-world government members and extended family.
Even more likely, maybe Adam Roberts is cognizant that Bush administration self-servitude dredged in political spin often results in policies such as cut down the trees to prevent forest fires (see the column titled "Monday Moron" published on 9/1/03).
You have to give The White House credit, however. Over the years, no single structure in world history has produced a more tenacious lineage of sales and spin professionals able to wrestle a Harvard logic professor into a pile of cowering drool in full fetal position.
Examples of the public relations coups abound: President George W. Bush mastered the English language, Al Gore invented the Internet while Bill Clinton started the "intern-net," Thomas Jefferson purported that slaves were entirely lacking in sex drive and John Kennedy disavowed the concept of infidelity.*
As a registered voter and patriot, it is my obligation and honor to follow in the path of the enlightened ways of our forefathers and their political successors of modern times. Thus, with great pride and illogical rationalization, I hereby propose the following policies for the consideration of the Bush administration in its on-going effort to protect the vulnerable/one's own interests:
Ten percent of the proceeds collected from the sale of the hottest new board game available, "Ghettopoly," is to be redistributed to pimps, hoes and "playas" so that they can return to school, finish their doctorates and lead the effort to revitalize America's inner-cities.
Metrosexuals are to be legally compelled to admit they are actually heterosexuals trapped in homosexual bodies and are urged to create, direct and act in hip new television shows.
The overwhelming majority of the rain forest is to be razed into quality building supplies so that there is less ground cover for the veiling of weapons of mass destruction. (If we can't find them in the open desert, we aren't going to locate them in the dense jungle.)
Nike is to be sued in federal court regarding its plan to become the exclusive sponsor of Yellow Cab. Though the "swoosh" turban would still become a requisite item for all drivers' uniforms, the punitive damages won by the United States' prosecution team would be offered to a competing headgear company to market its cowboy hats to illegal immigrants of Middle Eastern descent.
The sale of marijuana for profit is to become legal - but only on Indian reservations, as with gambling. This will allow the United States to fulfill its "future consideration" obligation to Native Americans for taking half of North America in exchange for a bushel of corn and knowledge of the process of alcohol distillation.
The Great Lakes are to be partially drained and the water offered to Americans in lieu of municipal or private wells. This initiative will make laws governing chemical and fertilizer contamination of the nation's water supply obsolete for America's farmers and industry as pollutants may flow freely underground and out of sight or smell.
In addition, the Great Lakes will be renamed the "Still Pretty Good Lakes" in an effort to make inferior lakes feel better about themselves, in a relative sense. (Though this seems to be a short-sighted method of operation, I am quite certain that synthetic water will be developed by the time the procured water has been depleted OR a new administration will have taken office and assumed culpability for the looming water crisis - one of the two.)
The first two rounds of "The Family Feud" are to sue the third round for violation of equal opportunity laws.
In an effort to reduce bureaucracy, the United States Armed Forces is to be trained to drill for fossil fuel and dispatched from Iraq and Afghanistan and into the Gulf of Mexico and Alaska. This will eliminate the perils of war confronted by our service men and women, while directly seeking the fulfillment of the true objective of our military forays into Asia and abroad. The fish and wildlife of these "pristine" environments, as the liberal wackos call them, could probably benefit from the companionship and security a world-class fighting force provides. Should oil not be found, an antagonistic new dictator needing underground accommodations will have arisen in Iraq by then, and the war can be substantiated anew.
On a personal level, my tongue is to be severed in an effort to spite my face and the baby is to be thrown out with the bath water.
Check that. Keep the bath water for use as an antiseptic once the Great Lakes are empty.
I implore the current White House tenants to take these suggestions to heart. I will settle for nothing less than a feasibility study of their potential by a presidential blue ribbon committee - better known as a "political procrastination tactical unit of receipt-collecting boobs."
Our future and the job security of liberal wackos like Adam Roberts depends on it.
*Disclaimer: Anecdote applies only to alleged tryst with Marilyn Monroe.