Make My Day
WHAT WOULD A SNOW MICHAEL JACKSON LOOK LIKE?
by Erik Deckers
American Reporter Humor Writer
SYRACUSE, Ind. -- Let's face it. Some people have an overinflated sense of Righteous Indignation, and treat every inconvenience in life at the same level. Whether someone tried to run them off the road, or the supermarket is out of their favorite brand of salad dressing, the Righteously Indignant people will respond as if someone has just put a flaming bag of dog poo on the coffee table without a coaster.
It happened in Kent, Ohio, last week.
Last week, Crystal Lynn decided to build a snow woman in front of her apartment building. According to a story in the Akron Beacon Journal, Lynn built the snow woman the way any snow woman should be built.
With two snow breasts.
And since Righteous Indignation is more than just a hobby for some people, a unnamed man made an anonymous call to police about "the inappropriate snow figure" in front of Lynn's apartment building. Apparently, since the snow woman was naked, the winter crusader had his panties in a bunch, and didn't want his neighborhood to become a winterland "red light district."
(I'm struck by the irony that some people get upset when any kind of boob appears in public, yet they feel free to leave their own house.)
So a battalion of police officers in full riot gear and a SWAT team stormed Lynn's apartment, smashed down the door, and took her into custody.
Okay, that's not true. It was actually a single police officer who showed up at Lynn's apartment. And he only suggested that Lynn cut off the snow breasts.
"But I said no woman wants that," Lynn told the Beacon Journal.
So instead of knocking her creation down, and because it was too busty to wear a shirt, she placed a maroon tablecloth around her shoulders.
"She looked really good, like she was getting ready to go to a party," Lynn said.
"Like a 'snow ball'?" joked a photographer, before the SWAT team wrestled him to the ground and pummeled him mercilessly.
Kent police Captain James Goodlet said the officer didn't order Lynn to cut off the snow woman's breasts, but said that Lynn believed she would be arrested for disorderly conduct if she didn't make some changes. However that probably would not have happened.
"We would have had to have someone file a complaint. We wouldn't have charged at that. We were treating it almost as a neighborhood domestic situation," Goodlet told the Beacon Journal.
He also said this was possibly the first time he's had a complaint about an indecent snow figure in his 26 years on the job.
"They aren't one of our higher priorities."
He then rolled his eyes and said. "But thank God we had an officer able to respond to that complaint, instead of wasting his time solving crimes and catching bad guys. Ooooh, look out everybody, that snow woman's naked!"
Then Goodlet stomped off, muttering something about a "bunch of freakin' morons. Just close the drapes and go back to watching Jerry Springer."
Okay, that last part really didn't happen.
"I didn't think there was anything inappropriate about it. I just wanted to play in the snow," Lynn said.
Lynn said she called the police after the officer left to clarify matters. She said she realized the officer was just passing on a complaint, and not actually there to make an arrest. So, with the First Amendment planted firmly next to her snow woman, Lynn went back outside and stripped the tablecloth off the snow woman.
At which point several snowmen hooted and whistled and tucked dollar bills into the snow woman's G-string while Britney Spears' "I'm a Slave for You" blared in the background.
So what's the big deal? Why does someone have to act as the neighborhood Morality Patrol and call the police about an abstract representation of a woman? And more importantly, how do snowmen get dollar bills to give to strippers?
"It's just snow," Lynn said, who was actually insulted by the entire affair.
And she should be. While Righteous Indignation may be an inalienable right to some people, so is freedom of expression. One could argue that Lynn's creation is actually a work of art, and should enjoy the same freedom as the Venus de Milo statue. In this case, the snow woman should be left alone until she melts in a couple weeks. Then everyone can get back to their lives and focusing on what's really important.
Like will Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck ever tie the knot and will they ever replace Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston as Hollywood's First Couple?