Vol. 12, No. 3,009 - The American Reporter - October 19, 2006

Make My Day

by Erik Deckers
American Reporter Humor Writer
Syracuse, Ind.

Printable version of this story

SYRACUSE, Ind. -- Hello, I'm Claire Townsend, and I'm running for U.S. Representative. I'll fight for the citizens of this state, and I won't take money from special interest lobbyists whose goal is to line their pockets and take away your rights.

But my opponent, Bob Charles, is deep in the pockets of the special interests. He backs plans by greedy corporations to make a quick buck at your family's expense. So when you vote on November 5th, vote for Claire Townsend, the sensible choice.

(Paid for by the Claire Townsend for Congress Committee.)

My name is Bob Charles, candidate for U.S. Representative. I believe in honesty and integrity. And I'll bring those values to Washington as your representative. I'm a fiscal conservative who believes we need to restore common sense to the government.

But my opponent, Claire Townsend, has aligned herself with spendthrift politicians who want to take away your hard-earned money and spend it needlessly. So restore common sense to Congress; vote for Bob Charles.

(Paid for by the Committee to Elect Bob Charles)

Bob Charles says he believes in honesty and integrity, but continues to lie in his campaign commercials. He accuses Claire Townsend of liberal spending, but in a recent newspaper article, he said, "I ... (believe) ... the people of this state are ... stupid."

Are these the values you want in Washington? No! You want someone who believes in the people of this state. You want Claire Townsend.

(Paid for by The Friends of Claire Townsend)

Claire Townsend still can't tell the truth. In a recent campaign ad, Claire distorted a recent newspaper quote and removed important facts. What Bob Charles actually said was "I have a hard time believing anyone as smart as the people of this state are going to fall for something so stupid as her last campaign commercial."

Clearly, Claire Townsend will go to any lengths to deceive you. And don't forget, she also believes that we should allow ourselves to be annexed by Quebec, and should convert our country's currency to the Danish Krone.

(Paid for by People Who Know What Claire Townsend is Really Up To).

Bob Charles' political machine will churn out lie after lie. Instead of focusing on the issues, he chooses to run a dirty smear campaign that questions my integrity. I, Claire Townsend, have tried to focus on the issues and bring a better understanding of what faces us in an uncertain future.

Bob Charles wants to increase our participation in the World Trade Organization. He wants to hand your guns and Bibles over to the United Nations, right before he signs a declaration to join the European Union.

I'm just a sweet farm girl who will bake pies for you and look at pictures of your children and grandchildren. But not Bob Charles; he wants to eat your children!

(Paid for by The Committee to Expose Bob Charles for the Fraud He Really Is)

Claire Townsend has shown herself to be a fabricator of lies and great untruths. Her head is as big as Ted Kennedy's which means she'll spend your tax dollars irresponsibly. And she was once in the same room as Hillary Clinton, which makes her a bleeding-heart liberal who would love nothing more than to see the Soviet Union revived, so she could secede from this state and join it!

Bob Charles will fight tirelessly for the American way, and work 24 hours a day to put tax-and-spend liberal liars like Claire Townsend in jail. And not just any jail, but really bad jails filled with murderers and terrorists.

(Paid for by People Who Think Claire Townsend Is a Witch and Should Be Burned at the Stake)

Bob Charles believes that everyone in this district should have bar codes tattooed on their neck so the secret shadow government can monitor us at all times. He believes that all education spending should be cut, so no one will understand what his One-World Rule amendment to his 500% tax increase bill actually means.

(Paid for by the Committee to Go Medieval on Bob Charles If We Ever See Him Alone at Night)

Claire Townsend has been arrested for prostitution 17 times in the last eight months. She not only believes drugs should be legalized, she thinks they should be distributed in schools and churches -- at least the churches that she hasn't closed down for being "too holy."

(Paid for by The Committee With A White-Hot Burning Hatred for Claire Townsend)

My opponent, Bob Charles, believes that -- you know what? I can't do this anymore. All this mud-slinging and negative campaigning. It's not worth it. I can't sleep, I have crushing pains in my chest, and I jump at the slightest sound. If this is what it takes to win this election, then I don't want it.

(Paid for by the Committee of Stunned Campaign Supporters Who Would Like To Speak Privately to Claire For A Minute)

I'm Bob Charles, and I think my opponent, Claire Townsend, may have a point. We've gone too far in this campaign. In our wild-eyed obsession to win, we've lost sight of the real issue: you, the voters. We just want to work for you. We don't really have plans for world domination or throwing the U.S. currency into a tailspin. We just want to do a good job for you. Is that so wrong?

(Paid for by People Who Think Bob's Had Too Much To Drink and Should Go Home. Now!)

No it isn't, Bob. No it isn't. I know what you mean. In this whole crazy race, I became so focused on beating you that I forgot that the race isn't about politics. It's about people and families.

(Paid for by Claire Townsend Herself Because Her Entire Campaign Staff Just Quit)

I'm sorry, Claire. I'm sorry for all the things I said, and the way I've behaved.

(Paid for by Bob Charles Because His Staff Joined the Libertarian Party)

Oh Bob, I love you! I've always loved you. From the moment we first met, and I promised to crush you, I've secretly hoped for just one more chance encounter on the campaign trail. I've waited by your campaign office, just to catch a glimpse of you. I even wrote "Claire loves Bob" 100 times on every page in my daily planner.

(Paid for by The News Media Because They Want to See Where This Thing Goes)

Claire, I love you too! I've videotaped every stump speech and press conference you've ever made. I have a scrapbook of all your news articles and press releases. Whenever the wind blows, I hear it whispering your name.

Claire Townsend, will you marry me and make me the happiest man on Earth?

(Paid for by the Joint Checking Account Recently Opened By Bob Charles and Claire Townsend-Charles)

Copyright 2006 Joe Shea The American Reporter. All Rights Reserved.

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