Vol. 12, No. 3,009 - The American Reporter - October 19, 2006

Make My Day

Erik Deckers
American Reporter Humor Writer
Syracuse, Indiana

Printable version of this story

SYRACUSE, Ind. -- For those of you who care, I turned 35 this past Thursday. For those of you who don't, you're not invited to my birthday party. So neener neener neener.

And I'm actually excited to be 35, despite the humor-impaired goobers who insist on telling me that, given the 72 year life expectancy of the American male, I've almost reached middle age.

I'm old enough to drink, vote, and drive, although not in that order. And I can give a good smack to anyone who says, "Say, you know the average life expectancy of the American male is - ow, my nose!"

But what I'm really excited about is that I am now old enough to run for President of the United States. Not that I want to, mind you. It's a tough job, and no matter how well you do, someone always hates you for no reason. Not like now, where I have to give people a good reason to hate me.

I won't even consider running for dogcatcher. I couldn't win anyway - I have scruples, I have morals, and I've never (insert your own "had sex with that woman" joke here).

But if I did run, I've come up with a list of things that I would do, change, or eliminate if I suddenly found myself the leader of the free world.

  • I would have two televisions in the Oval Office. One permanently set on CNN, and the other set on a presidential network that shows only "Walker Texas Ranger" and "Xena Warrior Princess" reruns. I would also reenact fight scenes with my chief of staff in a little show I like to call "Deckers American President."
  • Any American president -- who has the ability to fire thousands of nuclear weapons at every country on Earth, mind you - would correctly pronounce the word "nu-klee-ur" and not "noo-kyoo-lur," unlike some current presidents I could name.
  • Dave Barry would be named Poet Laureate. All poems read at my inauguration would have to contain the word "booger" and end with "Deckers American President would be a great name for a rock band."
  • As someone who is otherwise opposed to the death penalty, I would make exceptions for major league baseball owners who pay multi-million dollar salaries to their players, but can't figure out why their team is broke. Their whining would go like this: "Gosh, Commissioner, we're paying $250 million each year in salaries and only taking in $249 million in ticket sales. I can't figure out why we're not making any - bzzzzt!"
  • People who use the phrase "think outside the box" will be beaten and put inside a box.
  • Traditional presidential debates will be replaced by drunken brawls and/or sword fights. National polls will decide the format and weapons of choice.
  • Secret service agents would be instructed to shoot anyone who tried to date my daughters.
  • Annex Liechtenstein.
  • Appoint Diana Ross to the the Supreme Court. Anyone who can't tell me why is automatically bumped up to a higher tax bracket.
  • People who say "Wasssuuuuuuuup!" will also be beaten. And put inside a box.
  • Teenage girls cannot wear clothes that bare show midriffs. Teenage boys must wear their pants ON their belt lines, not five inches below. Violators will be forced to watch The Lawrence Welk Show every day for two years.
  • Joan Rivers' plastic surgeons will oversee renovation of Mount Rushmore.
  • Commercials related to feminine hygiene, freshness, itching, or problem dryness can only be shown on the Lifetime network. Companies who air these commercials during sporting events will be banished. To Antarctica. Inside a box.
  • Build and dedicate a memorial to those unsung heroes, America's first WWII code specialists, the Pig Latin talkers.
  • If President Bush can turn the South Lawn of the White House into a tee-ball field, I can turn it into a free-range goat farm. Then I can run out and yell "Hey you kids, get off my lawn!"
  • During the State of the Union, sneak up behind Strom Thurmond and yell "Boo!"
  • Past heavy-weight champions of "Robot Wars" will design new tanks for the U.S. military.
  • Minnesota governor Jesse Ventura will become my Secretary of State. His first job is to establish an Israeli-Palestinian peace through negotiations, bargaining, and a series of well-placed Atomic Elbow Drops and chokeholds.
  • Mocha lattes would become the national drink. And my local coffee shop barista, Brian Woody, would be appointed Secretary of Hot Caffeinated Beverages with Chocolate. It's not so much an issue of national security, as a sincere hope that he will bring a free large mocha down to my office as soon as he reads this.

    Hold the whipped cream, please.

    Copyright 2006 Joe Shea The American Reporter. All Rights Reserved.

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