Make My Day
'HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE CHIEF'
American Reporter Humor Writer
SYRACUSE, Ind. -- For those of you who care, I turned 35 this past Thursday. For those of you who don't, you're not invited to my birthday party. So neener neener neener.
And I'm actually excited to be 35, despite the humor-impaired goobers who insist on telling me that, given the 72 year life expectancy of the American male, I've almost reached middle age.
I'm old enough to drink, vote, and drive, although not in that order. And I can give a good smack to anyone who says, "Say, you know the average life expectancy of the American male is - ow, my nose!"
But what I'm really excited about is that I am now old enough to run for President of the United States. Not that I want to, mind you. It's a tough job, and no matter how well you do, someone always hates you for no reason. Not like now, where I have to give people a good reason to hate me.
I won't even consider running for dogcatcher. I couldn't win anyway - I have scruples, I have morals, and I've never (insert your own "had sex with that woman" joke here).
But if I did run, I've come up with a list of things that I would do, change, or eliminate if I suddenly found myself the leader of the free world.