Vol. 12, No. 3,009 - The American Reporter - October 19, 2006

Make My Day

by Erik Deckers
American Reporter Humor Writer
Syracuse, Ind.

Printable version of this story

SYRACUSE, Ind. -- Despite the news coverage we've seen over the past mon= th, there are other things happening around the world.

People are still stupid, companies are still inflicting goofy products = on thepublic, science fiction geeks are still ... well, geeky, and lawyers= are still blood-sucking leeches.

Here are some of the events just from the past week:

Butt Bra - Just because it works for bras doesn't mean underpants should do it, to= o.

DuPont Lycra has introduced the Wonderbum, a new hosiery product that "= lifts, separates, and shapes" a woman's rear, and promises "a perfectly pea= chy, pert bottom." Despite the wonderful claims, experts warn that it shoul= d not be worn by accountants, bureaucrats, or anyone else with a reputation= for being "tight," if you know what I mean.

"Frequently, separation can actually cause emotional scarring for the we= arer," said Dr. Andrew Maxwell, noted psychiatrist, who specializes in trea= tment for the "chronically uptight."

Varsha Peshavaria, the marketing manager for DuPont Lycra, said the Wond= erbum fabric -- which can stretch up to seven times its normal length -- ca= n serve as an alternative to plastic surgery. However,fashion and fitness e= xperts have pointed out that just because the fabric can stretch up to seve= n times its normal length doesn't mean it should be worn by people who can = actually stretch it that far.

"These tights ... allow the cheeks to express themselves," Peshavaria sa= id at a British hosiery event where the Wonderbum was unveiled. DuPont also= promises to introduce other products that "allow the cheeks to express the= mselves," including the "Hey, Pull My Finger" Lycra Glove.

Jedi Son - First it was the Star Trek geeks and their efforts to = create a real, conversational Klingon language (they succeeded, by the way.= You can find the Klingon language dictionary in your local bookstore).

Now Star Wars geeks have claimed the Jedi faith as their religion (thos= e were the guys on Star Wars who say "May the Force be with you"). Thanks t= o an email campaign, more than 10,000 fans listed "Jedi" as their religion = on Britain's 2001 census.

As a result, Jedi now has its own census code,and it will appear on the= 2002 census, although Britain's Office ofNational Statistics said they don= 't believe it's a real religion.

In the Star Wars movies, Jedi Knights ar= e a religious order ofprotectors who believe in the ability to tap into a u= niversal powercalled "the Force."

On Earth, Jedi Knights are a bunch of 30- to 40-year-old computer geeks= who live in their parent's basements, work at electronics superstores, and= haven't had a date since they found one in a bowl of granola.

Sleep Flyer - From the "The Dead Walk Among Us and They're Still = Stupid" files: A Philadelphia man is suing U.S. Airways for negligence, bec= ause he thought he had died in a plane crash, after the crew left him aslee= p onthe plane.

Passenger-turned-zombie Scott Bender said he was asleep when the plane = landed at Birmingham International Airport at 10:30 pm. He said the crew fa= iled to wake him, and didn't check the cabin before theyclosed the hatch, t= urned off the lights, and locked the door.

"He literally woke up and didn't know if he was alive or dead,"said Rich= ard Frankowski, Bender's lawyer. "That was his immediate fear."

Now, I think the fact that Bender "literally woke up" should have given = him his first clue that he was still alive.

Frankowski said Bender couldn't get his luggage until thefollowing day. = Bender says he suffered mental and emotional anguish,lost wages, and out-of= -pocket expenses after his near-death experience.

Legal experts (i.e. humor columnists who watch every episode of "Law & O= rder") point out that Bender, a jewelry salesman, couldn't sellanything tha= t day, since the plane landed at 10:30 pm and all the storeswere closed, an= d that "mental" and "emotional" are pretty much the samething.

These same experts then flung holy water on Bender and recitedthe 23rd P= salm at him. While these actions had no effect on Bender, whoapparently is = not dead, there is speculation that it explains why hislawyer disappeared s= uddenly in a puff of smoke and lingering brimstoneodor.

Ho Depot - Would you like fries with that? In an effort to clean = up their city, and move the red light district away from its landmark cathe= dral, the German city of Cologne has created drive-in brothels on the outsk= irts of town.

The brothels include an approach zone where clients can drive byprostit= utes to choose among them. After the client has made his (or her, I suppose= ) choice, the prostitute is then driven into a covered parking space that h= as an adjoining bedroom and shower.

Since prostitution is legal in German= y, police, city adminstration officials, and a Catholic charity will be the= re to provide support for the prostitutes, many of whom are drug users.

= It's so heart-warming to see the police and the Catholic church join togeth= er to support Germany's prostitutes and give them a place where they can pl= y their trade in warmth and comfort.

The complex, also known as the " 'Ho Depot," cost 830,000 Deutschemarks(= $387,100 U.S.). It also contains express lanes (10 sexual acts or less), an A= TM machine, and a check cashing station. However, credit cards will not be = accepted. Then again, the card companies are already screwing their custome= rs with 19 percent interest rates.

Copyright 2006 Joe Shea The American Reporter. All Rights Reserved.

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