Vol. 12, No. 3,009 - The American Reporter - October 19, 2006

by Erik Deckers
American Reporter Humor Writer
Syracuse, Ind.

Printable version of this story

SYRACUSE, Ind. -- Regis Philbin: Welcome back to "Who Wants = To Be a Celebrity Millionaire?" the show where I engage in witty banter wit= h rich celebrities while they try to win money for their favorite charities= .

After five rounds of play, our remaining contestants are: pop music sen= sation Madonna, gross-out film star Tom Green, Justin Timberlake from 'NSyn= c, Lara Flynn Boyle from ABC's "The Practice" and David Arquette who ... Da= vid, what is your claim to fame?

Arquette: I was in "I Know What You Did Last Summer." = Philbin: Doesn't ring a bell.

Arquette: Uhh ... I was the dumbass on all those AT&Tcommer= cials

Philbin: I thought that was Carrot Top.

Arquette: And I married Courtney Cox.

Philbin: Oh, you're that guy. (Pauses.) Hmm, I= guess since you're already here, you might as well finish playing. Let's g= et ready for another Fastest Finger Round. Okay, celebrities, put these fou= r items in alphabetical order: D, B, A, and C.

(The audience waits; intense concentration music plays in thebac= kground.)

Okay, let's see who got this one right: It looks like Madonna, Just= in, and Lara Flynn Boyle. And with a time of 37 seconds, our next contestan= t in the Hot Seat is ... Justin Timberlake!

Timberlake: Yaaaay! I win, I win, I win! Woo-hoo! I'd like t= o thank my mom and dad, the guys in the band, and my best girl, Britney Spe= ars! Wooooooooo! Yes, one million dollars! I'm rich, rich I tells ya! So lo= ng, suckers!!

(Justin Timberlake runs off the set, cheering and clappingwildly= .)

Philbin: It seems that even after watching five othercontest= ants play, Justin still doesn't quite understand how the game isplayed. Let= 's see, the second place finisher of our Fastest Finger Roundwas Lara Flynn= Boyle with 43 seconds.

Boyle: Yay for me! I win too! Whoopee! I'm a millionaire!= (Breaks into a conga tune.) I get a million dollars! I get a million do= llars!

(Lara starts to run off stage; Regis grabs her by the arm.) =

Philbin: Wait a second, Lara. You still have to play the game. =

Boyle: Oh. I was just going to get something to eat. I left = half a peanut in my dressing room.

Philbin: There's plenty of time for that later. But now it's= time to play The Weakest Li-- I mean, "Who Wants to be a Millionaire= ?" First question: for $100, which of these animals says "meow?" A) a dog, = B) a cat, C) an elephant, or D) a robot dog

Boyle: Ummm ... uhhh ... oh, I know this one. Uhh, can I u= se a lifeline?

Philbin: You want to what? Boyle: I want to us= e a lifeline?

Philbin: You know, until the $32,000 level, we do allow theo= ther celebrities to help you by shouting out clues and making handgestures.

Green: Hey, watch me eat this mouse.

Boyle: Ewwww, do you know how many calories that thing has? =

Philbin: Lara, it's a simple question. What animal says me= ow?

Arquette: An AT&T operator?

Madonna: Me having sex?

Green: A cat watching me eat a mouse?

Boyle: Wait, someone said something that gave me a clue. It'= s an AT&T operator!

Philbin: Please tell me that's not your final answer. = Boyle (pouting): Okay. That's not my final answer. Can I phone afriend? I = want to call my old boyfriend, Jack Nicholson.

Philbin: Okay, let's get Jack Nicholson on the phone, please= .

Nicholson: Hello?

Philbin: Jack, this is Regis Philbin with "Who Wants To Be a= Celebrity Millionaire." We've got Lara on the Hot Seat, and she has aquesti= on for you. Go ahead, Lara.

Boyle: Okay, Jack, which of these animals says "meow?" A) a = dog, B) a cat, C) an elephant, or D) a robot dog?

Nicholson: You want the truth?! You can't handle the-- oh wa= it, what was the question?

Boyle: Jaaaack!

Nicholson: All right, all right, it's a cat. Boyle= : How sure are you?

Nicholson: 67% sure. I mean robot dogs can be pretty smart--= (Buzzer sounds.).

Philbin: Okay, time's up. Lara, I need an answer.

Boyle: I'll say B, a cat. And that's my final answer. = Philbin: She said "B" (waits for judges decision) ... and she's ri= ght!

Boyle (jumps up and down): I win, I win, I win, I win!Yaaaaa= aaaay!

Philbin: Calm down, Lara. You only won $100. Are you ready f= or the $200 question?

Boyle: There's more? I thought that was it. This is hard! = Philbin: For $200, which of these things is round: A) a 1957Che= vy, B) a pointy stick, C) an amorphous blob, or D) a ball.

Boyle<= /i>: I pick "E" Tom Green's head.

Green: Hey, that's not funny! What's funny is when I pull my= pants down around my ankles and try to sniff my own butt. Watch this --ow, = my back. I hurt my back!

Madonna: Can we move on already? I've spent two hours in the= se clothes and I'm starting to chafe.

Arquette: Yeah, and my wife and I are working on another mov= ie together, and I have to get back to work.

Madonna: What part do you play?

Arquette: Uh, I just get bagels for Courtney.

Philbin: Lara, I need an answer.

Boyle: I want to ask the audience.

Philbin: Okay, audience, let's help Lara figure out which of= these objects is round.

(Audience votes as intense tabulation music plays.)

Philbin: It looks like 89% of the audience has also picked T= om Green's head.

Boyle: Then I pick Tom Green's head too. (Philbin reacts = with stunned silence.) That's my final answer, Regis.

Philbin: She picks "E" (waits for judges' decision) ... oh,= I'm sorry, the answer was "D," a ball.

Boyle: #&%@!

(Lara Flynn Boyle begins to stomp off stage, but is blown awaywhen = the studio air conditioner turns on)

Philbin: We'll take another break, but when we return, we= 're down to four contestants in what will be the last episode of "Who Wants= To Be a Celebrity Millionaire?"

Copyright 2006 Joe Shea The American Reporter. All Rights Reserved.

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