Vol. 12, No. 3,009 - The American Reporter - October 19, 2006

by Erik Deckers
American Reporter Humor Writer
Syracuse, Indiana

Printable version of this story

SYRACUSE, Ind. -- Someone thinks pretty highly ofthemselves.=

If you're not sick of hearing about them over and over already-- ar= e they pregnant or not, it's their one year anniversary, GwynethPaltrow has= been sending chemical weapons in the mail -- here's somemore news about Br= ad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston (hereafter referred to asPitt-Aniston, since y= ou never see them apart anymore).

The nauseatingly over-reported Hollywood supercouple has filed a $50 mi= llion lawsuit against internationally famous Italian jewelry designer, Dami= ani International, for selling knockoffs of the wedding bands the pair exch= anged at their July 2000 wedding.

After Damiani produced the Pitt-designed wedding bands (he alsodesi= gned Aniston's engagement ring, the big sissy), Damiani allegedlyagreed to = never, ever, ever reproduce the rings, cross my heart and hopeto die, stick= a cubic zirconium in my eye. So you can imagine thefeet-stamping hissy fit= Pitt-Aniston threw when they discovered Damianiwas selling knockoffs of th= eir ring on the Internet, at the VenetianHotel in Las Vegas and a local dea= lership in Palm Desert, California.

The $1,000 Damiani knockoffs are two concentric bands availablein 1= 8 karat white or yellow gold, and are connected by 12 or 13 diamonds. The or= iginal rings were made in white gold, with ten diamondsjoining Pitt's ring,= while Aniston's has 20 diamonds. His ring isengraved with "Jen 2000," and = hers has "Brad 2000." Short of tattoos ontheir butts, nothing could be more= romantic.

Pitt-Aniston are also seeking an injunction to stop sales of therin= gs.

"Damiani essentially made Pitt and Aniston serve as itsunwilling sh= ills, hawking its jewelry to potential customers," thelawsuit says, unaware= that people like me are going to make fun of them.

But wait, it gets better! The suit also says Damiani used the desig= ns to receive "the type of publicity that money can't buy: the purported en= dorsement and sponsorship of perhaps the world's most recognizable couple."

World's most recognizable couple? World's most recognizable = couple?! Puh-leeze. Your egos may be that big, but your reputations aren't.

Just because every sleazy entertainment photographer has attached t= hemselves like lampreys to your butt does not mean that you are the most re= cognizable couple in the world. Just because those slobbering suck-ups at E= ntertainment Tonight play the same stock footage of you whenever they menti= on your name does not mean that most of the 6 billion inhabitants on Earth = know or even care who you are. Remember, "the world" actually includes othe= r countries, and not just E!Entertainment Network, The National Enquirer, o= r the paparazzi line at Spago.

But let's look at something else. The suit says that Pitt and Anist= on are Damiani's unwilling shills. It says that this incident has given pub= licity that Damiani can't buy. And it says Damiani is implying "endorsement= and sponsorship of" ... I'm sorry, I can't even say this with a straight f= ace ... "perhaps the world's most recognizable couple."

What's puzzling to me is that any of this was said by Brad Pitt, si= nce he appeared in numerous television and print advertisements for the jew= elry giant, and Damiani received great publicity because of the numerous go= ssip rags covering the wedding mentioned that they produced the rings.

In other words, Pitt was a willing shill, he did endorse Damiani je= welry, and Damiani did receive publicity that money could buy, since they p= aid him for those ads. Someone is either not telling the truth, or it's a c= ompletely different pretty boy in all those photos.

Let's face it. However wildly popular Brad Pitt and Jennifer Anisto= n may be -- and I'll admit they're extremely popular -- I would never go so= far as to say they're the world's most popular couple. I wouldn't even ran= k them in the top 10. They're popular wherever Friends reruns are played in= the world, and I'm sure Pitt is sometimes referred to as "Mr. Jennifer Ani= ston" by people who have never seen "Fight Club" -- which, from what I hear= , was 5,999,999,998 people.

Besides, other more popular couples leap readily to mind before the inf= lated egos of Pitt-Aniston. Couples like Bill and Hillary Clinton, Angelina= Jolie and her brother, or William Shatner and that hairy thing clamped on = his head are just a few examples that celeb watchers around the world could= name.

Pitt and Aniston are a big favorite among screaming teenage girls, horny= overweight computer nerds, and stalkers, although they only account for ab= out 30 percent of the world's population. They're also a popular mainstay o= n America's Hollywood tabloid tv shows, supermarket tabloid newspapers, and= are often the subject of celebrity fan Web sites created by people with an= unhealthy obsession and fervent hope that the object of their desire will = see the site and become their friend (ain't gonna happen, Chester).

I'm sure there are those who will write angry letters telling me ho= w I'm not fit to kiss the gravel Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston walk on, an= d I should be beaten for even suggesting that the Match-Made-In-Hollywood i= s anything less than perfect. I simply dismiss those people with a scoff an= d casual wave of my hand, and say:

Oh my Gawd! Are you kidding me?! Like, Minnie Driver and Jos= h Brolin are way cuter than Brad and Jennifer. Don't even go = there!

Copyright 2006 Joe Shea The American Reporter. All Rights Reserved.

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