AFTER THE TRUMP WEDDING, YOUR MUST-DO LIST
by Mark Scheinbaum
American Reporter Correspondent
January 24, 2005
WEST PALM BEACH, Fla.. Jan. 24, 3005 -- Okay, so you got the hottest invite of the year, the Trump nuptials across the Intracoastal in Palm Beach. You're shaking off the hangover. Now what?
Having actually rubbed shoulders with some of the used-to-be rich around these parts for the past 22 years, I provide this list as a public service.This special list is for those glitterazzi who want to get down with the locals and leave the area with a feel for the "real" Palm Beach County. Trumps guests, if they follow a few of these recommendations, will be able to return to Central Park South, Aspen, and Telegraph Hill with stories of how the local peasants live. VENUE: Costco Wholesale Warehouse, Lantana WHY?: The ability to buy a jumbo Vienna hot dog or kielbasa, a large fountain drink, side of sauerkraut, and spicy mustard for $1.50. Since it is unlikely that The Donald's guests have their Costco card handy, just avoid the main door, and walk in the exit door near the snack bar. In the rare event you are challenged by security, walk in backwards and say you are leaving. VENUE: Lake Avenue, Lake Worth, 7-9am WHY? Homeland security at its best. Grab a container of coffee and join owner John George outside his House of Frames store, while dozens of undocumented Guatemalan and Salvadoran day workers line up on the curb. Wave to them as "coyotes" load them in rusted vans and overloaded pickups for a day of joyous gardening and golf course maintenance. VENUE: Lake Worth Beach Tee Shirt Company WHY? Because my friend Barry is the owner, was shut down for several weeks because of hurricanes, and I want to steer some business his way. Also, you'll be next to the famous John G's Ocean View Restaurant, where people who not wait 20 seconds for a postal clerk, stand in line for an hour for breakfast. VENUE: Belle Glade by Night WHY? For that je ne c'est-quois??Third World experience. Regale your friends in the Hamptons next summer with tales of being on the western edge of the nation's richest county, and shouting "Down with Aristide!" out of your limo moon roof. VENUE: Interstate 95 Tour Via Enterprise WHY? Because you can. The ultimate Palm Beach local experience. Shed the stretch Hummer, and rent a car from Enterprise or another off-airport car rental agency. They'll pick you up at the Four Seasons, Ritz-Carlton, or The Breakers, which will make the two hour wait filling out rental forms a bit easier. Then, insist on a Lincoln Town Car, or similar 4,000-pound plus vehicle, and at 4 p.m. drive the right hand lane from Southern Boulevard to PGA Boulevard, in the left lane with your right blinker constantly on. Exit PGA, and reverse course. Do this until your tank runs drive. Try to have a friend take digital photos of the friendly natives gesturing to you. VENUE: Any Chinese Buffet, the cheaper the better WHY? So you can see a part of America where casual, leisurely, European-style dining can be experienced as early as 6:45p.m. Warning: if you want to experience the hustle and bustle of dinner hour, get in line at approximately 3:30p.m. VENUE: Antonio's South Ristorante, Palm Springs, Fla. WHY? Well, same as Lake Worth Beach Tee Shirt Co. above. Owners Dwayne and John are my buddies, and, well, they went fishing down the Keys, and caught some great tuna, and their prices are 1/2 of what you'd pay in Palm Beach, and they have this neat player piano.. VENUE: Drive-Through Theme Park WHY? Because dumb regular tourists think it's Lion Country Safari. Locals will tell The Donald's home boys that we're really talking about the scenic beauty and free admission of John Prince Park. Enjoy the varied regalia of the panhandlers as they return to their cardboard boxes and tents from a hard day of work around nearby Palm Beach Community College. Follow the aroma of hot dogs and ribs, as local nuns and charity workers cook dinner at picnic areas for homeless mental patients who enjoy Palm Beach's fine winter climate and call the park their home. Oh, don't forget to take some nice snapshots of the risque side of life along the Lake Osborne side of the park, where horny motorists are alerted by signs proclaiming : "Hump Ahead."
And, finally: VENUE: Good Samaritan Hospital Cancer Ward WHY? So an oncologist can explain to you, with pen and paper, why you should not pronounce the bride's name as "Melanoma."
Mark Scheinbaum is the pen name of John Doe, who resides three miles east of Donald Trump's Mar-a-Lago Castle. Not.