Make My Day
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO PUMMEL TODAY?
by Erik Deckers
American Reporter Humor Writer
SYRACUSE, Ind. - Finally, my computer's back from the shop. Not too bad - just $600 to upgrade Old Blue. The guys at the computer shop laughed at me when I brought it in. Sure, I could have gotten a brand new one for $500, but there's nothing wrong with this one. It's still perfectly good. Sure is heavy though.
Of course I don't have any money for new software, or a printer, but I can still use my old stuff. It still works, and I still have a whole box of ribbons for the printer.
Let's see, everything's plugged in ...now I have to install the operating system. Pop in the CD and ... there's a dialog box.
"Please be patient. Due to the age of your device, this may take several minutes."
Age of my device? It's only 12 years old. Oh well, I'll get a beer while I'm waiting... .
Hmm, what's the status? Still chugging away. I'll get a sandwich... .
Ah, that's better. Let's see, now what does it say?
"The current operating system does not support that keyboard. You will need to install the original driver found on the manufacturer's disk."
What do you mean, doesn't support the keyboard? It's a freaking keyboard? Sure, it weighs five pounds and clicks when I type, but it still works. Let's try that again.
"Repeat: The current operating system does not support that keyboard. You will need to install the original driver found on the manufacturer's disk."
Stupid computer. Where did I leave that CD? Wait, there it is.
"Are you sure you want to use that keyboard? Click Yes or Cancel. Don't press Y, or the motherboard will explode."
Yes! Don't pass judgment on my stuff, you bag of bolts.
"This may take a few - I mean, several minutes. I have to see if I even remember how to do this. You can also call the manufacturer at PEnnsylvania 6-9821. I think it's their turn on the party line this week."
Smartaleck computer. Time for another beer. Maybe that will make this go easier... .
Hm. It's still not done. Maybe a short nap ...
Much better. The keyboard driver is fully installed and it seems to be working alright. Okay, now for the printer.
"Woah, are you even sure you want to install that printer? Please click Yes or No. We recommend No. But don't use the keyboard. It's still a little hinky."
What do you mean, am I sure?! Yes, I'm sure. I wouldn't be installing it otherwise, you piece of junk!
"Are you REALLY sure? I mean, wouldn't a slate and piece of coal be a little more modern?"
Yes, dammit! How else can I print the stuff I write on my word processor?
"Oooh, no big surprise here. The current operating system does not have a driver for that printer. You will need to install the driver from the manufacturer's disk."
Now we're getting somewhere. Let's see, where's that old floppy disk? Do I even have it? Wait, I remember. It's in the box with my high school yearbooks... .
*Cough, cough* That's a lot of dust. Hope it still works ...
"Wow, a floppy disk. I didn't even know they still used those things. Do you even HAVE a floppy dri - GAAH! I guess you do. Give a guy a little warning next time."
Ha, showed you. That'll teach you to laugh at my stuff! Now, keep your opinions to yourself. I have to install my word processor. At least this one is on a CD.
"*Snicker* Jeez, dude, what's wrong? Is your pencil broken? Hey, dial-up modem, get a load of this guy. Can you believe he's installing that? What a #pGW@y* - ow, don't smack the keyboard!"
Let's see what happens if I take an axe to your hard drive.
"Err, all systems working normally, sir. This installation will take several - I mean, just a tiny few minutes. Why don't you get yourself another beer?"
Not a bad idea. I'll be back... .
That's better. I need to install the web browser. Do you have any problems with that?
"No. At least that was made in this century."
Now the phone line is connected. Let's fire this baby up and surf the web.
"Excellent. Where would you like to go today? Ancient Greece or the Renaissance? Maybe we can visit a silent movie website. I don't think it's too advanced for this thing."
That's it - I'm switching back to my Commodore 64!