One Woman's World THE REAL QUALIFICATIONS FOR PRESIDENT ARE ... by Elizabeth T. Andrews American Reporter Correspondent Cartersville, Ga. Back to home page Printable version of this story CARTERSVILLE, Ga. -- If you are still having a hard time with your choice for a presidential candidate I've designed a flawless formula that makes this presidential election much easier. I share it with you hoping it will relieve your political agony as it has mine. The rules are simple: Just vote for the candidate who can meet all - or most - of the following qualifications. The Candidate: . knows how to boil water. Can make a pot of coffee without calling on The Committee for the Development and Research into the Exact Number of Coffee Grounds and the Units of Caffeine Involved in the Potential Precision of a Potentially Perfect Pot of Coffee. . Is not an illegal alien posing as a real American; . Candidate's home fell victim to an explosive mortgage imposed upon the candidate by slimy bankers. . is now living with relatives; . is one part Caucasian, one part African American, one part Native American, one part Hispanic, and one part Asian (and if that doesn't make every voter happy the candidate is prepared to swear her/his parents came from the planet Jupiter; . Candidate drives an automobile older than yours. Would not be caught dead in a chauffeur-driven limousine. Loves their old 1998 Ford pickup truck. Believes there should be a law that no federal employee can drive any automobile that is newer than that driven by members of the beleaguered middle class; . voted against Roe v. Wade and has adopted unwanted babies; . believes it takes two to make an unwanted baby, and that men who impregnate women who don't want to be impregnated ought to cool their ardor for about three months in the nearest jail; and that the second time the woman allows herself to carelessly become pregnant she should have to scrub floors all the rest of her life in an orphanage filled with unwanted children; . wears clothes that are faded and look a lot like yours; . knows a person can't be two places at once and that candidates who leave their day jobs while campaigning should not take a salary for work they don't do; . uses your barber shop or beauty salon; does their own nails; polishes their own shoes, carries their own luggage; . has never had a personal maid, butler or live-in nanny; . knows how to operate a washer and a dryer; . agrees to refuse their right to federal medical insurance that covers everything from a splinter to a lobotomy, and has opted instead to get their own private insurance; . objects to the government getting in bed with private insurance and pharmaceutical companies and dictating what doctors citizens can use, what surgeries they can have, what pills they can take; . if elected, agrees to reduce the usual presidential and congressional salaries to that earned by the employees of The Reliable Garbage Co., or that of Fast Food Emmporium or waitress at the local truck stop, remembering that all tips must be declared and agreeing to be taxed on them. Candidate furthers declares no future raises will be authorized without the consent of the people; . keeps quiet about their religion, believing a personal relationship with God is a personal relationship with God, and if you've got it you don't have to flaunt it; . often repeats "Actions speak louder than words;" . knows how to start a lawn mower; . and spouse don't have 6 marriages between them as did one former presidential candidate from New York; . Candidate's spouse has the guts to publicly disagree with the candidate, stand beside him or her and not behind them, smile only when they feel like smiling, and tell the truth when asked by reporters if they knew about the candidate's nocturnal shenanigans with three office aides; . has a dog but doesn't expect a statute to be erected in the dog's honor; . believes war is practiced by war-mongers who don't have enough sense to resolve their problems intelligently; . knows the current price of five pounds of sugar and bread; . has no filet mignon in their freezer, no caviar in their cabinets, no fine wine in their pantry; . believes in self-government and knows that most Americans have enough sense to come in out of the rain and that they don't need the federal government telling them when they can sneeze or what size their tissue should be; . believes the least governed are the best governed; that every time a new law is written it makes a million outlaws who won't obey it; and that the purpose of the federal government is not to treat citizens like they are in the first grade and the government is The Big Daddy University; . believes FDA (Food and Drug Administration) employees should personally sample all food and drugs before they mark them "FDA Approved." Some of the employees should move to China and induce their own flu in order to test the 50 percent of Chinese ingredients that currently go into our medicine; . has a plan to reduce the size of the federal government to one government employee for every 10,000 citizens instead of the other way round; . swears (s)he will not take millions of dollars from the taxpayers in the other 49 states and earmark them for A Park for Pigeons in his or her hometown; . can speak English at better than kindergarten level; understands that "wadn't it" and "dudn't it" and "sump-en" and "E-ran" for Iran, "E-rock" for Iraq, have made the current President and First Lady appear uneducated, illiterate and downright stupid before the entire world; . agrees to take a lie-detector test concerning all of the above. If you find a candidate who meets all, or some, or maybe even one of these qualification do let me know. My local garbage collector can qualify but he is an honest, hard-working man and... Oh, my gosh. I forgot "honest" and "not afraid of hard work." Let me ask you: If we all stayed home and nobody voted in November, would that mean nobody got elected and we could throw the current rich, caviar-crunching, mealy-mouthed, illiterate, self-serving, plastic parrots out of Washington, D.C., put 'em on a small boat, ship 'em to Iraq and make them replace our war-weary troops? Hmmm. The idea has sweet possibilities. Let's see now: 32 reasons not to vote, come November. AR Correspondent Elizabeth T. Andrews is based in Cartersville, Ga. Her Website offers her columns and poetry. Reach her at angels@treefamilyfoundation. Copyright 2008 Joe Shea The American Reporter. All Rights Reserved.