THE HIGH MORAL GROUND
by J.M. Sylvan
American Reporter Correspondent
New York, New York
January 26, 2009
INDIANAPOLIS, Ind. -- I was disappointed to learn that I had missed Men's History Month this January, also known as MANuary. I blame it on the fact that I thought I knew when it was, and I just didn't look at the calendar or ask for directions. So, to assuage my guilt, I'll cover some of the different holidays, celebrations, and observances for February.
To start, everyone knows about Black History Month, where we study and celebrate the accomplishments, lives, and history of African-Americans throughout U.S. history.
But did you also know it's National Get to Know an Independent Real Estate Broker Month? So call your local independent broker, and invite him or her to coffee. Once you hit March, it's up to you whether you hang out with them or not.
February is the month for love, because Valentine's Day is February 14th. So celebrate love during International Flirting Week (Feb. 9 - 15). But if you're shy, and don't want to seem too forward, Feb. 7 is Wave All Your Fingers At Your Neighbor's Day. Or you can free yourself from bad relationships during Dump Your Significant Jerk Week (Feb. 7 - 13).
This week comes right on the heels of New York Comic Con Week (Feb. 6 - 8), so all you comic fanboys may finally have a chance to meet some nice girl on the rebound, and help her celebrate National Mend a Broken Heart Month. (Of course, if you strike out yet again, you can always celebrate Solo Diners Eat Out Weekend, from Feb. 1 - 7.)
Who knows? You may even get lucky, so be sure to use protection, because it's also National Condom Month. (And if that doesn't help you celebrate International Boost Self-Esteem Month, then nothing will.)
Of course, nothing could be worse than having your new girlfriend tell you she just wants to be friends, although celebrating International Friendship Week (Feb. 17 - 23) will ease the pain. Just tell yourself it's not your fault. At least not if she dumped you on Blame Someone Else Day (Feb. 13). But if you're still upset over your lost love, observe Don't Cry Over Spilled Milk Day (Feb. 11).
February is also a month for irony, because not only is it Marijuana Awareness Month, it's also National Care About Your Indoor Air Month. Something tells me those two associations don't spend much time in the same room.
With Marijuana Awareness Month comes a month of munchies, so it's a good thing February is Bake for Family Fun Month and National Cherry Pie Month. It's also National Pancake Week (Feb. 22 - 28), with the crowning day, International Pancake Day, on Feb. 24. The 12th is National Plum Pudding Day, National Gum Drop Day is the 15th, and Chocolate Mint Day is the 19th.
When you're done buying all your ingredients, be sure to return the shopping carts to the supermarket, because February is Return Shopping Carts to the Supermarket Month. Does this mean we're allowed to keep them the other 11 months of the year?
Be sure you brush your teeth though, because February is National Children's Dental Health Month and National Pet Dental Health Month (just don't let your pets eat chocolate mints). If you don't take care of your teeth, Feb. 9 is Toothache Day.
Make sure you eat plenty of veggies and get your exercise too, because February is American Heart Month, and Women's Heart Week is Feb. 1-7.
It's also Worldwide Renaissance of the Heart Month, a celebration that urges us to think with both our heads and our hearts. There's even a website that urges us - both men and women - to celebrate high tea on the second Sunday of the month, and discuss our heart's desires with each other. (Mine is more pancakes.)
It's National Senior Independence Month, which celebrates the independence of older Americans. And since women tend to outlive men, February is also Spunky Old Broads Month, so ladies, raise a toast to your health, and don't take crap from anyone.
By this time of year, we're all getting a little tired of winter, so help drive it away on Hoodie Hoo Day. On Feb. 20 at noon, we're supposed to go outside and scream "Hoodie Hoo," because it chases away the winter and welcomes the Spring.
This month also celebrates one of my favorite sports, Curling is Cool Day. And since I seem to have become a favorite of some New Zealand curlers, I'll be thinking of you guys on Feb. 23.
Finally, if all this partying and celebrating wears you out, just take a nap. Anywhere you want. Because Feb. 28 is Sleep In Public Day.
Erik publishes this column and other humorous articles at his Erik Deckers' Laughing Stalk blog.