Make My Day
BOYS' BASKETBALL PRACTICE
by Erik Deckers
American Reporter Humor Writer
January 10, 2009
INDIANAPOLIS, Ind. -- "Okay, boys. Put down the basketballs, I want you to do some warmups, and then you'll do some layup drills. First, let's do some jumping jacks."
"No, Evan, hands go up when your legs spread apart. Make an X, and then make an I."
"No, an X. No - like this. Do you know what an X looks like?"
"I know you're six. That's why I figured you knew what an X looked like. Reese, don't be the Hulk during jumping jacks."
"No, the Hulk does not smash jumping jacks."
"Okay, boys, run one lap around the gym. Ready, set, go."
"No, Jack, the other way. Go the other way. There you go. Travis, Jacob! Quit shoving each other. Reese, don't smash Travis and Jacob. The Hulk doesn't smash his teammates."
"Okay, bring it in. Come here, guys. Let's do some - guys, come here now, please!"
"Let's do some layup drills. I need two lines. Buddy, you shoot the ball, Jacob, you get the rebound and pass it to Reese. Ready, set - Kevin, quit dancing around. Okay, Buddy dribble the ball. No, dribble it. Okay, now shoot. Shoot - aww, good try."
"Jacob, get your hands out of your pocket. Get the rebound. Great, now pass it to - no, Jacob, don't shoot the ball. No, don't dribble - ooh, Buddy, you're not supposed to tackle Jacob."
"That's right, Evan, that's only for football."
"Jacob, pass the ball to Reese. Travis, pull your shorts up."
"Because you don't pull your shorts down at basketball practice."
"Because there are girls on the other side of the gym. Reese, don't smash the ball. The Hulk does not smash a basketball."
"Evan, don't start showing off for the girls."
"Because they're, uhh... sure, Jacob, they're icky."
"No, boys, your moms aren't icky. They're women."
"Your mom is a what, Kevin?"
"Kevin, don't say that. Do you even know what that means?"
"I don't care if your dad said it, that's not what you should call your mother."
"No, I didn't know your mom left your dad."
"No, I didn't know she was living with your dad's brother."
"It's still not appropriate."
"That's the best answer you're going to get."
"Buddy, stand up. You don't need to sit down."
"Because we've only been practicing for five minutes."
"Now we've only got a few more minutes before we're going to scrimmage another team, so let's concentrate."
"No, I don't think we're going to cream them."
"Because I've been watching you kids play."
"Huh? No, I didn't say anything."
"I need five of you. Two of you can sit out for a few minutes, and then we'll sub you in."
"Buddy, Evan, Reese, Jack, and Jacob, you're starting. Put on these jerseys."
"Let's go, Panthers. Play some defense."
"Reese, stop guarding Evan."
"Because he's on your team."
"Okay, Panthers, pass the - Reese, don't smash the other players. You're not the Hulk."
"Buddy, don't guard that guy. We're on offense."
"Time out! Do you guys remember what offense means?"
"No, it's not what happens when you want to get down from a fence. It's when we're trying to score a basket. Offense tries to score, defense tries to stop the other team from scoring."
"Yes, you can dribble."
"Or pass it."
"No, you can't kick it."
"That's right, Evan, that's soccer."
"Okay, let's go, Panthers. Get out there and do your best."
"Nice pass, Jacob. Okay, Jack, let's - no, no, the other way, Jack. Our basket is the other way."
"Good shot, Buddy! Great job!"
"Halftime. Good job you guys. Kevin and Travis, why don't you guys take a break. Who wants to sit out?"
"You can't all sit out."
"No, we're not losing."
"Because the score's only two-two. We're tied."
"Five minutes. We're just doing a short scrimmage."
"Okay, Evan and Reese, you guys sit out for a while. Kevin and Travis, you're in."
"Everyone get your hands in here. Give me a 'Go Panthers' on three."
"No, Jack, you shout Go Panthers when I say three."
"Not that three."
"First, I have to count to three."
"One, two, three. Go Panthers."
"No, three comes after four."
"Forget it. Just go out there and play."
"What's that, Mrs. Johnson? Just five minutes."
"No, it only seems like two hours."
AR Correspondent Erik Deckers publishes his column and other humor at his Erik Deckers' Laughing Stalk blog.