ANGEL FIRE, N.M., May 21, 2011 -- I am now informed that the world will end tomorrow at 6 p.m. local time.
Since I do not have the metaphysical wisdom to confirm or deny this story, I have spent at least five minutes formulating advice for proper behavior during this historic or non-historic event.
Intellectual honesty requires me to modestly admit I am well qualified to serve as your Rapture advice columnist. In just the past 48 hours, friends and relatives have asked my opinion on:
The clothing company that puts little alligators on their shirts;
Whether a rental lease should be renewed for one year or two years;
How many guests can sleep over at my house for July Fourth weekend;
Why is Mexico included with Canada as part of "North" America?
If it is true that Elvis Presley's version of "O Solo Mia" was the best rendition ever recorded?
So, here is your "must do" list for Doomsday:
BE NICE TO JESUS: Remember, if you run into Him it is probably still before sundown on the Jewish Sabbath. Be polite, thank him for coming back once again, and if you are planning to ask Him to supper, try to limit the guest list to no more than 12.
VACUUM THE CARPETS: And it would not hurt to tie up the trash bags and throw them out early in the day. If all but 140,000 inhabitants of Earth will be destroyed, there would be nothing worse than to leave a messy house or apartment to the next resident.
Be nice. Think of the next guy.
REMOVE PARENTAL CONTROLS: You have no idea about what creatures, or celestial entities might want to watch HBO, or Uzbekistan v Bangladesh "friendly" World Cup previews as soon as they arrive.
It will be especially upsetting to many of you if it turns out the new tenants prefer Al-Jazeera to Sunday morning with the Osteens. So, take a chance and spring for the big bucks.
Welcome eternity with pay per view enabled.
REFRAIN FROM SEX OR OTHER STRENUOUS ACTIVITY: Try to remain celibate for a mere 18 hours. Of course, this depends on your overall health and physical condition, but consider this:
The soothsayers predict the end of the world will be preceded by the greatest earthquake in history. It's sort of the Gospel according to St. Jerry Lee Lewis.
So with even a slight chance that there is really a whole lot of shaking going on, why chance turning a Rapture into a rupture?
ONLY EAT BREAKFAST: This is really only advice for Florida and Scottsdale. Since Saturday "Early Bird" dinners start folks queuing up around 3 p.m., with the world ending at 6 p.m., economy-conscious mortals will probably start lining up for supper around 11 a.m. or noon tomorrow.
So, stick with a hearty breakfast, and avoid the crowds the rest of the day.
PROGRAM, BUY, OR BORROW A TIVO: There is no theological reason why NBC should be punished just because you might miss the final episode of Celebrity Apprentice. Don't be too quick to ridicule true believers. Remember, not many people thought LaToya could come back again.
MAIL IN YOUR OFFERING TODAY: If the world survives, you can put a note in the offertory plate Sunday saying "I already gave." If the world does not survive, your check won't clear and you only wasted a stamp.
STOCK UP ON BEN-GAY: and also pack some heating pads, Tiger Balm, hot water bottles, and Vicks VapoRub. This is probably my most important helpful hint - just in case you are headed for that place which finally is freezing over.
Fortunately, Mark Scheinbaum sold all his worldly goods a week early to avoid the rush. Now he's living it up like there's no tomorrow.
Copyright 2013 Joe Shea The American Reporter. All Rights Reserved.