by Mark Scheinbaum
Boca Raton, Fla.
November 7, 2010
OH, NO! CONAN O'BRIEN IS BACK!
INDIANAPOLIS, Ind. -- Dear politicians, political consultants, activists, and pundits: The election is over. The votes have been cast. You won or lost.
So shut it. Just shut up.
We're tired of it all. Tired of you. Tired of the anger and the hatred and shouting and the yelling and the lies and the half-truths. We're tired of all the whining and pouting and finger-pointing.
This election was not a affirmation for your way of life. It's not a reflection of whether the country agrees with you. The Republicans took control of the House of Representatives. That is not a referendum that the country agrees with your assessment of the President. The Democrats kept control of the Senate. That is not a message to the country that we agree with your assessment of the President.
It means your side won or lost. Period. It does not mean we wanted some governor 1,000 miles away to also win or lose. It does not mean we wanted to keep or displace the Senator of a neighboring state. It means we agreed with your candidate enough to vote for them.
And that's it. End of discussion. End of the noise.
Because we're tired of your rumors and lies in the guise of political ads. The scary announcers, the ominous music, the half-truths and twisted words. The snide, mocking tones and the unflattering photos of your opponent.
We're tired of your lies about President Obama being a Muslim. (He's not. We've been over this). We're tired of you calling Christine O'Donnell a witch because of something she said 21 years ago. (It was 21 freaking years ago. Let it go).
You're the people we're supposed to look to for hope and leadership, and you're calling each other witches and Nazis. That's not hope or leadership. That's just shrill hysterics, not-so-cleverly disguised as campaign ads.
Speaking of which, we're especially tired of the wasted money. You people spent nearly $4 BILLION this year to tell us how evil the other candidate is. That's $1 billion less than the record-setting amount you spent in 2008 to elect a president. You spent $4 billion to tell us how you're going to rein in out-of-control spending.
With that $4 billion, you could have given $10,000 in college tuition to 400,000 kids who can't afford college. Or given a $30,000 salary to 133,000 unemployed people. Or bought homes for nearly 27,000 homeless families. You could have even covered half of Haiti's $7.2 billion earthquake costs.
Instead, you wasted money to get elected to control government waste.
So we're glad it's over. Because we're sick of hearing about how your opponent is responsible for global warming or that global warming is a hoax. Or that your opponent will raise our taxes or cripple the economy. Will take our guns or arm our wackos. Will march our elderly into death camps or allow insurance companies to throw us in the poor house.
We know you're lying. We can tell, because your lips are moving. We don't trust you, we don't believe you, and we know that once you take your oath of office, nothing will ever change.
Because everything you said you would do? You won't do.
You're not the first candidates to promise us the moon and the stars, and you won't be the last. Washington is filled with people like you. People who promised us something and then failed to deliver. This election was filled with anti-incumbent accusations of do-nothingness or pure evil. We were bombarded with dire predictions of epic failure if your opponent got elected, but we don't believe it.
We don't believe it, because it hasn't happened yet. We were promised change and/or doom two years ago, four years ago, six years ago, yada yada yada, 234 years ago. The only thing that has changed in all that time is the rest of us. You people are still making dire predictions, trying to scare the bejeezus out of us. You're still insulting each other, and our intelligence, 234 years later.
We need a break from you. Because 2010 is nearly over, the presidential hopefuls are now eyeing Iowa, and this thing is going to start up again in about six months. Give us a rest for a little while. You kids go out and play. America has a headache right now, and we need some peace and quiet.
So just shut up.
AR Humor Writer Erik publishes other articles at his Laughing">http://laughing-stalk.blogspot.com">Laughing Stalk blog<.