by Richard Griswold
August 20, 2010
A NEW E.P.A. EDICT IS A THREAT TO FLORIDA
INDIANAPOLIS, Ind. -- "Okay, remember kids, this is a museum filled with very expensive items. You absolutely may not touch anything."
"The guards will arrest you and put you to work cleaning the toilets for a month."
"What? I'm just trying to keep them from touching any of the artwork."
"No, they know I'm kidding."
"Yes, I was really kidding, you guys. You knew that."
"Then tell Mommy you knew I was kidding."
"These are called Impressionist paintings, Buddy."
"No, not like Bill Hader. He's a comedian."
"No, he does impressions, he's not an Impressionist."
"Yes, Sweetie, I know that's what you call people who do impressions. But some words can have more than one meaning."
"It means a painting that sort of looks like the thing it represents. It doesn't look quite like it, and could never be mistaken for the thing it's supposed to be."
"Well then, yes, Bill Hader is an Impressionist."
"What do you think about these still lifes over here?"
"That's because it's a bowl of fruit."
"Well, that's Realism."
"Paintings that actually look like the thing they represent."
"Right. not Bill Hader."
"No, Buddy, not every still life is a bowl of fruit. That would be pretty boring."
"Well, see, the fruit is out of the bowl in this one. And this one has a candle next to it. And this one over here is a bowl of vegetables. Yuck!"
Yeah, I guess they are pretty boring."
"Wait! how about this one of the farmer working in the field?"
"Yep, that's boring too."
"How about some sculptures? The Renaissance sculptures are in this gallery."
"Listen, kids, before we go in here, I want you to remember that these are all old, beautiful works of art. There's nothing wrong with anything in here, and I want you kids to be mature and grown-up about what you see here. Alright? Let's go."
"Shhhh! Buddy, don't shout in the gallery!"
"No, not boobies. It's art."
"This is supposed to be the representation of the human body at it's purest, and we're supposed to appreciate the quality of art. It's not just 'boobies.'"
"Not until you're 18."
"Because boys stare at girls in bikinis."
"Because no one needs a pierced bellybutton."
"These are urns, honey."
"It's a vase, but without any handles. This one is a Mayan funerary urn. They're used to hold a person's ashes after they've been cremated."
"Yes, like Aunt Sally and Uncle Sid."
"No, she still has him on her mantle."
"I asked her once if he needed a refill from the fireplace, but she didn't think that was funny. She didn't speak to me for the rest of the day."
"No, actually it was the best Thanksgiving I ever had at her house."
"It says here that in Bavaria, a king's heart would be placed in the urn after he died."
"No, an urn isn't like a purse."
"What do you mean, like Carrie carries Ryan's heart in her purse?"
"Oh you mean, when I said she was carrying his - no, Honey, I wasn't talking about his heart."
"No, I'm not going to say what she's carrying."
"Because you weren't supposed to overhear the original conversation."
"Because you kids aren't old enough to know what I'm talking about."
"Yes, sweetie. I know you figured it out."
"Yes, we know you figured out a lot of what Mommy and I talk about."
"Then why haven't you figured out why you can't get a bikini?"
"Let's talk about this in the car. Right now, I think we should go see - Buddy, stop saying 'boobies.' Other people can hear you."
"Hey guys, the map says there's a collection of Renoir 'figure studies,' whatever those are. Let's go see those. Maybe they'll help get your minds off nudity."
Erik also publishes humorous articles at http://laughing-stalk.blogspot.com>Erik Deckers' Laughing Stalk blog.