by Erik Deckers
AR Humor Writer
January 21, 2011
A BEGINNER'S GUIDE TO FACEBOOK
BLOOMSBURG, Pa., Jan. 21, 2011 -- Chinese President Hu Jintao's visit to the United States this past week has been met by both praise and political posturing.
Hu, an intellectual with a strong sense of culture, hopes he is leading what he wishes to be "a Harmonious Society" with peaceful development.
To that end, Hu said his government was prepared to "engage in dialogue and exchanges with the United States on the basis of mutual respect and the principle of noninterference in each other's internal affairs" on human rights questions.
Although it seems as if Hu is saying that he wants each nation to continue to conduct its business without interference, he also acknowledged that "A lot still needs to be done in China in terms of human rights."
But some politicians, apparently feeling a need to make sure their home base knows they aren't weak on Communism, have called him a dictator, gangster, and emperor. Very few have spoken out about American-owned companies downsizing and outsourcing everything from toys and clothing to book printing and building materials to China.
Although China is the world's second-largest economic power after the U.S. and is this country's largest creditor, there is no need to fear either its economy or its military power. It has already sown the seeds of its own destruction.
In 1996, there were almost no lawyers in China. By 2000, there were 110,000. There are now almost 200,000.
With a society of lawyers, China is likely to collapse. Let's take an example. Ling Chou is riding his bicycle on Chairman Mao Boulevard. He starts to turn left, but is hit by a bicycle being ridden by Chang Liu. Under the principles of Confucianism, before there were lawyers, the two would see if each other was hurt, help out if necessary, and apologize profusely. If a bicycle was dented, the other person would fix it. If there weren't injuries or dents, they would shake hands and go their separate ways.
With lawyers, you don't do that. Ling grabs his lawyers; Chang grabs his own lawyers. It takes six inches of paperwork, a preliminary hearing before a magistrate, and two, maybe three continuances before the case comes before a judge.
At trial, there are the bailiffs, marshals, clerks, typists, stenographers, and court reporters, all on the public patyroll. After a three-day trial - during which three doctors from each side will testify and get paid very well for their conflicting opinions about back injuries and mental trauma - the judge decides the case.
The whole thing takes a year. Maybe two.
Now, let's look at the criminal side of law. In the past, Chinese citizens could walk down any street late at night and wouldn't even worry about a "Boo!" Now, with lawyers, you have to have criminals.
The crime statistics go up. More lawyers show up - some to prosecute, some to defend. Before lawyers, China had work camps. Now there will be guards and wardens and rehabilitative counselors and parole boards and committees for prisoner rights, followed by committees for victims' rights.
With everyone suing, or defending themselves from criminals, or being criminals, the Chinese won't have time to sew cheap coats or launch any wars.
Fortunately, in the past couple of years, President Hu's government has gotten wise to the proliferation of lawyers. The licensing tests have become harder - only about one-fifth of the applicants pass them - and the annual fees have increased significantly.
This has caused even greater problems. When lawyers get tired of being lawyers, they become politicians, just as in Anerica. And, as in the U.S., it isn't scientists, social workers, teachers, and other decent people who are running our government.
Imagine what will happen when the lawyers finally take over the Chinese government. In a country with four times America's population, there will be four times as many mortgage crises, four times as many moral scandals, and four times the number of self-serving statements that they weren't responsible for whatever it was that went wrong in the country.
More important, there will no longer be just one Communist Party, but at least two, each one screaming at the other, fighting meaningless battles, and filling radio, television, and the Internet with equally empty blather.
It'll only be a short time until the lawyer-led political system paralyzes a 4,000-year-old civilization that has given us great literature, music, sculpture, fashion, architecture, cuisine, and the use of martial arts for peaceful purposes.
With the rise of lawyers and political parties, even America's corporations wouldn't outsource their products to a nation like that - not for all the tea (parties) in China.
Walter Brasch is a multiple award-winning humor and general/politics columnist in competitions sponsored by the National Society of Newspaper Columnists, Society of Professional Journalists, National Federation of Press Women, Pennsylvania Press Club, and is a Pennsylvania Women's Press Assn. social issues columnist. He is the author of 17 books, most available through amazon.com. You may contact him at firstname.lastname@example.org.