Vol. 20, No. 4,952 - The American Reporter - April 8, 2014




by Randolph T. Holhut
American Reporter Correspondent
Dummerston, Vt.
February 2, 2012
On Native Ground
NATURE, NURTURE AND THE CONSERVATIVE BRAIN

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INDIANAPOLIS, Ind. -- The players:: Five sportswriters - Sam, Chip, Tim, Len, and Max. The subject: Whether Peyton Manning will play for the Indianapolis Colts in 2012, or if he'll even play at all.

The scene: Chip's basement, where they are all gathered for a sportswriters' slumber party.

SAM: O! M! G! you guys! I just heard that Peyton and Jim are breaking up!

OTHERS: What?! Where did you hear that?

SAM: It was on Jim's Facebook page. He changed his relationship status to "It's complicated."

TIM: Oh nooooooo! They were the perfect couple! They did everything for each other. Peyton gave Jim a ring, and Jim gave Peyton a whole stadium! This is going to be such a downer for the entire league!

CHIP: Don't read too much into that. Jim's always doing crazy stuff like that. Knowing him it just means he want to see other quarterbacks. Peyton's his one true love.

MAX: What, an open relationship like Newt Gingrich wanted with his second wife?

ALL: Ewwww!!!!!

LEN: Personally, I think they've needed to break up all along. I've been telling everyone it's time for them to move on.

CHIP: Len, you're always such a downer.

MAX: Hey you guys, does this Jeff Saturday jersey make me look fat?

SAM: You are fat, Max. You weigh, like, 300 pounds.

MAX: Jerk! Your hair is falling out!

LEN: No, it's true. I had a chance to talk to Peyton a couple weeks ago—

TIM: Name dropper.

LEN: Shut up, Tim! You never even played football!

SAM: Actually, none of us did.

LEN: Can I please finish? Like I was saying, I was talking to Peyton a couple weeks ago, and he said it was hard to be around the facility, because all his friends were leaving. He said he didn't feeling like he was getting better.

TIM: I was talking to Jim a couple days ago—

LEN: Now who's the name dropper?

TIM: Now who's interrupting? Anyway, I was talking to Jim and he said he wasn't going to talk about it to anyone. Not even me, and I've known him longer than anyone here.

LEN: No you haven't. Me and Max have known him for almost 30 years.

TIM: Nuh-uh. I met Jim a couple years after he came to Indianapolis.

MAX: So? We met him when he got here with his dad in 1984.

TIM: Oh, uh. I meant I met him when he was still in Baltimore.

MAX: We're getting really tired of your crap, Tim! Stop trying to be bigger than you are! You're such a dweeb!

TIM: Oh yeah? Big talk from someone who got cut as the water boy from the girls' basketball team.

SAM: Cut it out, you guys!

CHIP: Yeah, come on. This isn't the time for us to be fighting. We need to be united on this.

MAX: You know, I was watching Eli at Media Day on Tuesday, and I think he knows what's really going on. He slipped and referred to Peyton's career in Indy in the past tense.

SAM: No way! What'd he say?!

MAX: You can see the video on NFL.com. He said, and I quote, "(w)e'll look back on the fact that we played in a Super Bowl in Peyton’s, in the town he played his NFL, uh, you know, plays for the Colts and we’ll look on that later."

ALL: Ooooooooooh!

SAM: But it doesn't make sense. Everyone keeps asking them about it, and they keep saying that everything is fine, and they're happy, and they're only working through some personal issues.

LEN: You mean, like Demi and Ashton?

SAM: *gasp*

LEN: Or Heidi Klum and Seal?

SAM: *GASP!*

LEN: Or like—

SAM: Stop it! Stop it! I don't want to talk about this anymore.

CHIP Cut it out, you guys! We have to stay strong. For Peyton and Jim! For the whole NFL. If they break up, I don't know what I'll do!

MAX: I heard Jim do the same thing yesterday on the NFL Network. He said, "we've had a great relationship." Then he said "no one knows what exactly is going to happen."

ALL: O! M! G!

MAX: You guys! What are we going to do?!

TIM: What can we do?

CHIP: Can't we talk to them? Tell them how it important it is for the whole league that they stay together?

LEN: I know them both pretty well. I could—

MAX: Yeah, right. You know neither of them like you, right?

SAM: I think we just have to let them figure this out on their own. We should just let them have their space, talk about their feelings on their own, and figure out if they truly want to be with each other.

TIM: No way!

MAX: Yeah, no way!

LEN: Yeah, it's a lot more fun trying to figure out what they're doing and gossiping about it every day.

Shouts of "you bet" and "awesome!" fill the basement as the five sportswriters make plans for the summer and then have a pillow fight. is a professional blogger, book author, award-winning playwright, travel writer, and humor columnist in Indianapolis, Ind.

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