by Joe Shea
December 8, 2010
WIKILEAKS: WHAT NOW?
INDIANAPOLIS, Ind. -- "Sure, Buddy, you can ask me anything."
"Wait, you don't want to have THAT talk, do you?"
"Okay, you had me worried. You're only 8."
"Christmas will be here in about 21 days."
"Well, he comes down the chimney."
"No, I guess we don't have a chimney, do we?"
"The front door."
"No, we can't leave the front door unlocked."
"He'll still be able to get in."
"The way my father, your Opa, explained it to me is that he has a magical key that lets him into the front door of any house."
"I guess because chimneys are faster than doors."
"Because he wears mittens. It's hard to dig a key out of your pocket when you've got mittens."
"Of course I think he's real."
"What do you think?"
"Then if you believe he's real, that's all that matters."
"I don't care what Sarah from school said. What does she know?"
"Yeah well, Sarah won't get anything awesome for Christmas, will she?"
"Maybe a lump of coal."
"He gives lumps of coal to children who have been bad. Sarah sounds like she'll be able to heat her whole house for a month."
"Well, he used to leave coal in Holland. That's what your Opa said. In Holland, they call him Sinterklaas, and he actually visits children on December 5th and leaves them gifts."
"Because that's Saint Nicholas' birthday. In some parts of Europe, they celebrate Saint Nicholas' birthday on December 6th, and he visits the night before."
"He leaves gifts in the children's wooden shoes while they're sleeping."
"No, they don't really wear wooden shoes that much anymore. They're more of a traditional symbol, and are really only used for special occasions, like the night before Saint Nicholas' Day, if they're used at all."
"Well, we don't wear red stockings with white fur linings, do we? We only put them out on Christmas Eve."
"It's the same thing with wooden shoes."
"No, I've never met him."
"Uh, I've seen evidence that he's been in our house."
"When I was a boy, I used to leave him cookies and milk at night. And when I got up in the morning, they were gone."
"Chocolate chip. He loves chocolate chip cookies."
"Because Mommy doesn't think he needs chocolate chip cookies anymore."
"Apparently Mommy is worried about his cholesterol."
"Believe me, Buddy, if I could, I would."
"Because I can't find the chocolate chips, and I hate cleaning up the mess afterward."
"Mommy said that if I made a whole batch of cookies just to leave them out on Christmas Eve, she was making him go on Lipitor."
"No, we're never leaving him rice cakes anymore either. Those are nasty."
"Do you want him to leave you a lump of coal in your stocking?"
"Then no more rice cakes. I don't think he really likes them. He put peanut butter and honey on them the last time."
"Uh ... I saw the peanut butter knife in the sink, and he left the honey out."
"Sure, you can leave carrots for the reindeer. Just one though."
"Trust me, they won't eat a lot of carrots."
"No, I just know. Just leave a small one. And a beer. Santa likes beer."
"One of Mommy's."
"No, I've never even seen him in person."
"Or heard him."
"Remember, he comes when we're all asleep, and he moves so quickly and lightly that we never hear him."
"He probably eats them while he's setting out the presents and filling the stockings."
"I don't care what Sarah from school says. What matters is that you believe in him and continue to be a good boy all year long."
"That's right, and give him cookies."
"No, he hates oatmeal and raisin."
"Just trust me on that one."
AR Humor Writer Erik Deckers publishes humorous articles at his Laughing Stalk blog.