by Christopher Zimny
December 26, 2011
PAIN ON A TRAIN
INDIANAPOLIS, Ind. -- In the days of old, when knights were bold, and fist bumps weren't invented, they made their stands, and shook their hands, and battles were prevented. That is, back in the Middle Ages, when two knights met and they weren't in the mood to do battle, each knight would extend an empty right hand - preferably their own - to show the other that they were unarmed and did not intend to start swinging a sword around.
The two men would then grip their empty hands, shake them a few times to hear their armor rattle, and that was that. They would then go about their day, sweating inside a form-fitting metal coffin, unable to go to the bathroom properly.
These days, a handshake is more generic greeting with fewer violent overtones. It conveys warmth and friendliness, and is one of those things we were all taught to do when we were very young.
There are even some basic rules about shaking hands: In a social setting, men should let the woman offer her hand first; if they don't, don't offer yours. In business, let the person of higher authority offer their hand first; if they don't, offer yours. Don't offer the dead fish or do the bone crusher. And don't offer your hand to someone who can't shake it, either because their hands are full or they have a disability.
You watched your parents shake hands with other people, friends and strangers. When you were eight, you were told to apologize and shake hands with the kid you fought with at recess. When you played sports, everyone lined up and shook hands with each other after the game. Even today, professional athletes will gather at center court, center ice, or in the middle of the field, and shake hands with each other. I especially like the way hockey players line up like we did when were little kids, and go through the line, shaking hands with every player.
It actually bothers me quite a lot that professional baseball players don't do this. Like good sportsmanship is not important, or unnecessary. Even football players who were beating the bejeezus out of each other just 30 seconds before will often embrace, and many of them will kneel and hold hands to pray in the middle of the field.
But baseball? Nope, the winning team just congratulates themselves, and the losing team sulks in the dugout. I love baseball, but that's the lowest point of any game.
Still, we've all shaken enough hands in our lives to know the basic rules and etiquette. We don't need any pointers or training on how it's done, right? Especially if you belong to an elite group of very intelligent people.
Cambridge University is providing their dons (professors) with advice on the intricacies of the handshake, and the whole thing has the dons shaking their fists.
The Cambridge administrators, who apparently have forgotten that they have some of the smartest people in England on campus, have sent out a directive to its dons, asking them to read handshaking instructions and to take an online training course on handshaking.
"We are not social misfits," one anonymous don told the (London) Daily Telegraph. "We know when to shake someone's hand and when not too. All this seems to be stupid and pointless."
The instructions the dons received said "There is a certain amount of cultural sensitivity relating to handshakes. Suitable body language conveys welcome just as well." The admissions department was worried that the dons would horribly offend some students, like Muslim and women - who do not shake hands - and people with certain disabilities.
Apparently, the advice did not elaborate on "suitable body language" phase, but I'm guessing the loving embrace of a warm hug or a 27-step hip hop handshake were also on the Don't list.
Sally Hunt, Cambridge's College Union general secretary, told the Daily Telegraph, "while I am sure this advice is well-intentioned, academics are grown-ups and are intelligent enough to know when to shake a person's hand or not."
To be fair, I've known a couple hundred academics in my day, and let's just say I'll raise an eyebrow at the whole "intelligent grown-up" assessment.
Still, I do believe that most people, including university academics have more sense than a basket of apples, and know when and how to shake hands with people. Just follow the basic rules we all learned when we were kids, and you'll be fine. Also, leave your swords at home.
AR Humorist Erik Deckers is a professional blogger, book author, award-winning playwright, travel writer, and humor columnist in Indianapolis, Indiana.