by Erik Deckers
American Reporter Humor Writer
May 30, 2008
DINNERTIME AT THE ZOO
INDIANAPOLIS, Ind. -- Panda Polly: There you are. Hurry and get ready, our dinner guests will be here any minute.
Oh jeez, is that tonight? I forgot all about it. I had to work late tonight. The zoo had some VIP visitors, and Steve the zookeeper needed me to stay after.
Polly: Well, why didn't you call?
Paul: I couldn't. We were out in the exhibit, and I couldn't get away. Didn't Steve tell you I was going to be late?
Polly: Obviously not, or else I would have known.
Paul: Who's coming?
Polly: The Bears, the Gazelles, and the Chimps.
Paul: Oh man, not the Chimps. Did you forget the last time, they ended up flinging their ... poo around the house?
Polly: That's because you and Chester drank too much and argued about politics. I nearly flung some at you myself. So tonight, you lay off the beer and keep a civil tongue in your head.
Paul: What about him? I swear, if he starts spouting Rush Limbaugh, I'm going to--
Polly: There they are. Now behave yourself.
Benita Bear: Hello, Pandas! Are we early?
Polly: No, you're right on time. And there's the Gazelles right behind you.
Barry and Benita Bear: Hi.
Greg and Gloria Gazelle: Paula, we brought you a bottle of wine from our summer in Napa Valley.
Polly: How lovely. Thank you very much.
Barry (whispers to Paul): I was going to bring you a case of beer, but the little woman stopped me before I even got it to the car.
Paul (whispers back): No biggie. We'll drink it Sunday during the Lions-Bears game. Who do you like?
Barry You're kidding, right? The Bears, of course.
Gloria: Can I help with anything?
Polly: No, we're all set. Honey, would you ask our guests if they would like something to drink?
Paul: You just did.
Polly: No dear, I mean, why don't you be a good host and ask them?
Paul: We're all standing right here. They can hear you ask me about drinks just as easily as they can hear you be disrespectful to me.
Benita: Oh, my. Uh, I'd like a Cosmopolitan.
Gloria: Can I have some of the wine we brought? I'd love to tell you all about our trip to Napa.
Greg: Ooh yes, darling. I also brought some photos of our Gabby at the all-zoo track meet. She was simply excellent. She left all the other animals in her dust.
Barry: I know. She trash-talked everyone else. Our Betty was so upset, she didn't eat for three days.
Greg: I'm sure she made up for it later.
Barry: Is that a shot at my kid? Not all of us are blessed with your same ... fragile build, Greg.
Gloria: Careful, Greg, he's salivating.
Paula: Now, now, we're all friends here. Let's not spoil a nice dinner.
Gloria: You're right, Paula. I'm sorry Gabby was so disrespectful, Barry.
Barry: Me too. I just get really defensive about my kids. Benita says I should have been the mother bear.
Paul: So, who's ready for a refill?
Polly: Uh, dear, no one has had anything yet.
Paul: Maybe you haven't, but this is my third.
Polly: Paul, you promised you wouldn't drink.
Paul: No, you promised. I said no such thing.
Polly: Typical. There's a little conflict and you hide inside your bottle. You're as bad as the Ostriches.
Paul: I've had a hard day. We had those stupid VIPs, plus that bus load of school kids.
Barry: Tell me about it. At least no one tries to imitate you. All day long, I get people going "Hey Bear! RAARRR!" It's annoying.
Greg: We get people who make lion noises to get us to run. Hey morons, we can see you from where we're standing. We know it's you.
Paul: And then the news crew showed up to talk about how Polly and I can't have kids.
Polly: You insensitive jerk! Why would you even bring up our personal lives like that?
Paul: The whole freakin' world knows about our sex lives. Ooh, big news flash: we can't get pregnant!
Polly: Well, maybe if you wouldn't spend your nights drunk in front of the tv, we might have better luck!
Paul: And maybe if you took better care of yourself, I wouldn't need to spend every night getting hammered!
Gazelles: Hey, look at the time, we'd better go.
Chimps: Hi all, sorry we're late. Did we miss anything?
Polly: Not at all. The flinging is just getting started. Take that, Paul!