by Erik Deckers
American Reporter Humor Writer
April 10, 2008
I STILL DON'T HAVE A TOPIC
INDIANAPOLIS, Ind. -- "Hi Buddy, what do you want?"
"I can't play right now, I'm kind of busy."
"Writing my column."
"My humor column."
"The same thing I've done every Thursday for the last 14 years."
"Thursday. It's the 5th day of the week."
"Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday."
"No, not Fries Day. Friday."
"Yeah, I wish every day was Fries Day too. But we can't eat them all the time"
"Because French fries are a treat, not an everyday food."
"I know that's what Mommy says. Where do you think I learned it?"
"I know they're not good for my cholesterol. Mommy says that too."
"No, I don't know what I'm going to write about. I don't have a topic yet."
"A topic is like an idea."
"I don't have an idea yet either."
"No, I'm not going to write about Mommy and cholesterol."
"Because I want to sleep in my own bed tonight."
"Never mind. Wait, why don't you stand over there and do something funny?"
"So I can write about it."
"I don't know what you should do. If I knew that, I'd have my topic."
"Now is not the time to get shy on me, dude."
"Fine, go find your big sister."
"Don't shout for her. I could have shouted. Go up and get her."
"Hi, Sweetie. I need a topic for my column. Do you have any ideas?"
"No, I don't know what Zack and Cody did on My Suite Life."
"I don't think my readers care about what Zack and Cody did."
"The people who read my column."
"Lots of people."
"I don't know their names. There are just lots of people."
"Sweetie, I just need an idea for my column. Can you help me?"
"Besides Zack and Cody."
"No, not SpongeBob Squarepants."
"Not your stuffed gorilla either."
"No, I don't know what Raven did on That's So Raven."
"Do you have any other ideas besides what's on tv?"
"Can you just stand over there and do something funny?"
"Funnier than that."
"How about -- eww, don't stick your finger in your nose!"
"Because that's disgusting."
"No, I will not write about boogers."
"Because they're disgusting and gross. Besides, I wrote about boogers when I first started, and people accused me of copying Dave Barry."
"He's an old humor columnist."
"Yes, he's still alive."
"Yes, he's funnier than me."
"Thanks, you got any more little ego boosters for me? In case you're wondering, he has more hair than me."
"Yes, and more money too."
"Isn't it bedtime yet?"
"Then why don't you go find your big sister?"
"Hi, Honey. I need an topic for my column. Do you have any ideas?"
"Okay, what did Tori tell you?"
"Uh-huh, and then what happened?"
"Sorry, that doesn't help me a bit."
"Because people don't want to read about what a couple of 11-year-olds talk about."
"No, I don't have any 11-year-old readers. Any other ideas?
"No, not Hannah Montana."
"Yes, I know you think she's cool."
"Actually no, I'm not a fan."
"I am not an old fuddy-duddy!"
"Because the music in my day was cool, that's why. The musicians were cutting edge and daring and they spoke to the emotions of my generation. They rebeled against authority and created their own standards."
"For one thing, they put safety pins in their cheeks. I'll bet Hannah Montana doesn't do that."
"Well, no, I didn't do it either."
"My mom wouldn't let me. But I rebeled mentally.
"No, you're not allowed to rebel."
"When you graduate from college. Then you can rebel all you want."
"Look could you just stand over there and do something funny?"
"What do you mean, you're not my humor monkey?"
"I am not part of the bourgeoisie, I'm your freakin' father!"
"No, you may not rise up against the establishment. Where did you hear that crap?"
"Well, I'll be sure to have a talk with Uncle Andrew then."
"Fine, go ask Mommy to come downstairs."
"What do you mean, she said she's not my humor monkey either?"
"Go up and tell her that if she doesn't help me, I'm going to write about her edict against French fries and cholesterol."
"Oh, hi. Did I say edict? I meant deep concern."
"No, I don't want to sleep on the couch."
"Fine, I won't write about that."
"But I still don't have a topic."
Read more of humorist Erik Deckers' columns at his">http://laughing-stalk.blogspot.com">his blog, Laughing Stalk.