by Elizabeth T. Andrews
American Reporter Correspondent
January 29, 2008
CARTERSVILLE, Ga. -- Come in. Have some coffee with me.
Who am I voting for? That's a boring subject so early in the day.
Let's not talk about what presidential candidate Hillary What's-her-name said presidential candidate Barack Obama said about what she said, or what Obama said Hillary's husband Bill said about what he said she said. Makes my head hurt.
No, I don't care that Americans send billions of dollars to mad men in Pakistan, Afghanistan and Everywheristan while American welfare children go to bed half hungry and American seniors steal toilet paper from public restrooms. That's not my problem. I've got to decide what to lay out for dinner tonight.
What's that you say? Do I think forced democracy is a good thing and that the people of Iraq ought to be grateful we are telling them what to do? Absolutely. Am I frustrated over the price of a gallon of gas for my Mercedes while oil-rich Iraq refuses to give us any oil even after we spent billions freeing them and telling them how they ought to live? Put me down for a "Yes" on that one. Bunch of gown-wearing ingrates.
No, I've never wondered why earthquakes always seem to follow bombings in faraway places or that we have befouled the air all over the Earth or that we keep on manufacturing things not essential to life at the expense of life.
For heaven's sake! I don't care if you are conducting a poll for Libertarians. I don't even know what a Libertarian is.
Let's not get into an argument about what is essential and what is not essential. Any fool knows a $175,000 mortgage is essential. It's proof we are living the all-American dream. And, of course, a new car in the driveway every year is essential. And private schools for our children ... an example set by our dear friends in the White House. Who in their right mind would want their kids going to public schools? Why, they let just anybody's kids in there. I bet they have head lice and all kinds of diseases. Drugs and sex and sex and drugs. That's all them public school teenagers know.
No, I have seen any statistics that say drugs and teen-age pregnancies are as high among the upper classes, and I don't believe a word of it.
What's that? The federal government has usurped parental authority? Well, somebody had to do some usurping. Low-income people don't have a clue how to be a good parent and half the time the system ends up feeding, clothing and raising their kids. Don't talk to me about government interference. I am certainly not gonna adopt any of them unwanted babies. You have? How many? My god! Nobody with any sense would adopt six kids. My daughter had two abortions before she was 18 'cause I told her right out I was not gonna raise any of her snot-nose brats.
Let's get back to our coffee.
I'd like to point out that it is none of our business how many wives them Muslim men have or that women in Saudi Arabia are not allowed to drive or talk to a man outside their husband, brothers and their daddy, or that some woman was beaten and jailed 'cause some men raped her. It was probably her fault, anyway. She shoulda stayed home where she belonged.
Muslim men have been doing what they've been doing for thousands of years, so they must be doing something right. We wouldn't have half the problems we've got in the United States if American women would remember their place and stop trying to take over the world. If there is anything I can't stand it is some woman wearing a man's britches up on some platform bleating like a lost sheep about the rights of women.
I've got a grand house, a husband that takes good care of me, a new car in the driveway, and I belong to the country club. And since the kids have gone I have a lot of time to read Good Housekeeping and I get to play bridge at the club a couple of times a week. What else is there?
What? Why does any healthy person have to take care of another healthy person? I don't have a clue what you are talking about. Men have always taken care of women. It's the way things was meant to be. It's women like you that confuse men. Always blabbing about equality this, and equality that. As far as I am concerned I am as smart as the next woman. Oh, you weren't talking about women? Why would I want to be as smart as men? If I was my husband would expect me to get up off this couch, get a job and help him pay for all this stuff. That is not my idea of a good time.
You haven't touched your coffee. Want me to get you a fresh cup? Wait a minute. It's after 2 and that means we can have a cocktail. I promised my husband I wouldn't start drinking until after 2 every day. Course, I didn't say how much! Well, that's all right. I'll just have a couple by myself ... and get you some fresh coffee.
Where were we? Oh, yeah. You wanted to know who I am gonna vote for come November. I don't have to worry about that. My husband figures it all out and I vote like he does. Saves a lot of time. He says it would cancel his vote if I voted different.
Did you tell me you adopted six kids or did I dream it? And you are a single working mom? I bet you get help from the welfare, don't you? No woman can raise six kids by herself. You don't? You wrote what book? "The Enslavement of American Women?" Never heard of it. Don't read trash like that. My mother and my grandmother and her mother would turn over in their graves if they ever heard what you so-called free women are up to these days.
Just look at yourself. It's 95 degrees in the shade outside and you are running up and down the sidewalk knocking on doors trying to get me and women like me all riled up to be like you. I ask you. Look at you in your cheap Wal-Mart polyester outfit. That material went out of style 15 years ago. And I wouldn't be caught dead in those shoes, I don't care how comfortable you say they are.
Look at you and then look around you. Feel my air-conditioning on your sweaty face? Ain't that chair comfy? And all I gotta do between now and dinner time is have a few more drinks and if I'm sleeping when my husband gets home he always pops something in the microwave for himself. Got 'im trained, I have. He's awfully late some evenings. Works late, he says. But I don't see how people can work late after everybody else has gone home. I'll think about that later.
I've to go upstairs and lay down. No, I don't need any help. Just lock the front door on your way out. It was nice meetin' ya. Forgot your name. Don't door-knock my friend next door. She takes a nap about this time, too. Drinks like a fish. She don't know nothing about no politics either.
AR Correspondent Elizabeth T. Andrews is based in Cartersville, Ga. Her Website features her columns and poetry. Write her at email@example.com, or at P.O. Box 816, Cartersville, GA 30120.