Vol. 22, No. 5,514 - The American Reporter - September 7, 2016

by Elizabeth T. Andrews
American Reporter Correspondent
Cartersville, Ga.
October 28, 2007
One Woman's World

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CARTERSVILLE, Ga. -- Come then, let us decide on some nice ways to kill each other.

Maybe "nice" is not the best word, but we already agree that if one has to kill somebody some ways are nicer than other ways.

Take, for example, the use of biological/chemical weapons. Why, everybody knows only barbarians and tyrants would use those horrible things. They rank right up there with beheading. How gross can you get!

Chemicals take your breath away and scald your skin and disfigure your whole body and ruin everything around you and no civilized nation would ever be caught dead using them. They're as bad as that awful thing dropped a few years ago on Japan by -- what was his name? Oh, yeah. Harry something. I've forgotten why he ordered it's use but I remember it wiped out ... wasn't it more than 200,000 people?

That definitely was not nice.

But back to the rules we're here today to agree on.

Let's call them "Rules of ... ." Hmmm. Let me see. We don't want to say "war." It's such a harsh word. Why don't we say "engaging"? After all, we'll be engaging in civilized ways to kill each other.

What's that you say? "Engagement" is a better word? Very well. Let's call our rules "Rules of Engagement." Has a nice ring to it, doesn't it.

More tea? Yes, it is good. John Grey, of course.

Here is what we purpose: Rules of Engagement
By the Committee for Conducting
War in a Civilized Manner

  1. We will let you know when we are going to bomb you. It's not nice to kill people without letting them know they are about to die.
  2. We will try hard not to kill women and children. We don't know why that is more important than killing men, but it has always been that way so it must be right. If we do kill any of your women and children we will call it an "accident" and that will make us all feel better.
  3. We promise not to release any poisonous gases or chemicals into any of your villages, nor will we cause a plague of deadly wasps or grasshoppers to descend upon you. We know that the people would much rather be blown to bits.
  4. After a good bombing, we will gather up all the bodies and body parts around us and send them to you in some good strong plastic bags, and we ask that you do the same. All people set much store on having something to bury. We agree, also, to use our superior laboratories for identification, and you can come and get any pieces of the bodies of your family so that you, too, may have closure.
  5. You have stated that it is your duty to kill anyone and everyone who has a different god than your god, and that's too bad, because we would like to just love everybody and everybody have a good time, but you have made that impossible, so it becomes us duty to kill you before you try to kill us.
  6. We agree to call our dead brothers and sisters and fathers and mothers and wives and husbands and our little dead children "casualities" or "collateral damage." It sounds so much better than "dead people."
  7. We agree that the side with the most dead people, and most property damage in six weeks,wins the war. No side, after all should drag out these unpleasant matters.

Just for the record, our God instructs us to "Love one another, don't kill anybody, and do not do to others what you would not want done to you." It is your fault that you force us to violate what we have been taught, and that is why these rules are so important. We will not kill you in ways that we would not want to be killed, and if it has to be done we will try to do it nicely.

Here. Sign here. Let me pour that for you. One lump or two?

AR Correspondent Elizabeth T. Andrews is based in Cartersville, Ga. Her Website features her columns and poetry. Write her at angels@treefamilyfoundation.com, or at P.O. Box 816, Cartersville, GA 30120.

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