by Joe Shea
American Reporter Editor-in-Chief
September 9, 2007
HOW TO END THE WAR
BRADENTON, Fla., Sept. 9, 2007 -- Osama bin Laden has shown the way. If the desire to end the War on Terror is strong enough in the hearts of those who lead the antiwar movement, there is now a plain and simple path to peace.
The man who many believe is the long-awaited Messiah of Islam, the Mahdi, the Last Prophet, has spelled out in the clearest terms what is needed, and it requires no weapons, no wars, no soldiers, no bombs or bullets or mayhem. It just requires a little lip service, the Islamic equivalent of a yarmulke, and just a little personal commitment.
The road to peace goes through Mecca. And with the conversion of West to Islam, the war will end, bin Laden says.
Now, members of the antiwar movement are sometimes religious people, like the Congregationalists, the Quakers, the Unitarians and others who believe fervently that peace requires a personal commitment and a sacrifice. So here's the deal.
First, learn these two Arabic phrases by heart: Sala'am aleikum, and "Allah Akbar!"
Then master these two simple English phrases, and say them with enthusiasm, if not fervor: "God is great!" "Praise be to Allah."
Now, say them every chance you get, whether as a greeting (Salaam aleikum" is preferred), as a comment on any given set of circumstances (Allah Akbar" is recommended), and in acknowledgment of any observation ("Praise be to Allah" is best).
Then get yourself to a mosque and learn the daily prayers. Grow a beard or get a veil. Buy a little prayer rug, kneel down on it five times a day - no matter what - and say those prayers.
Got it? Hey, pal, your war is over. Osama is on your side now. Congratulations.
This is not rocket science. There are at least 10 or 15 million antiwar people in America, even if only a few hundred thousand of them are activists. The rest sympathize very, very strongly - just read the polls.
Imagine if all of them started saying "Allah Akbar: all the time! Imagine if they all assiduously went out into their neighborhoods (this would not include Williamsburg, Brooklyn or Kiryas Joel, in Monroe, N.Y.Man, it would just take a matter of days. Tell them Osama said they'll cut the income tax to 2.5 percent, charge no interest on loans, and cut every drug dealer's head off. Just those 11 little words and the world is saved - no trillion-dollar wars, no suicide bombings, no stealing (or off with your hands!), no more tedious antiwar parades, no more organizing - just say, "Hey, man, I'm a Muslim. My war is over."
Osama's promise was in his latest video message to the Western world. Six years after he took out the two tallest buildings in the world and smashed down the walls of the Pentagon. he's offering us a way out. Jesus Christ was a great prophet, Moses and Abraham were cool guys, but Mohammad's the cat's meow. The real thing, the Number One. How hard is that to remember?
There are lots of people who believe in Jesus Christ, and lot of people who don't believe in anyone at all, and many who prefer to call the prime deity God, but if they truly long for peace deep in their hearts, if they believe it is God's will for us to search for peace no matter the personal sacrifice involved, well, form a nice round O with your lips and say, "Oh, hell, what's the difference? Allah Akbar!" There, you've said it. The war is over.
There are some perks for the bloodthirsty punks who inhabit the late-night showings of "Attack of the Zombies." You are perfectly free to go grab a couple of hookers off the street, defile them if you wish, and chop their heads off. You can even carry the heads on a plate into midtown traffic, if it pleases you.
You might have to swear off the Italian sausages at the fair, but you get all the falafel and humus you can eat. Big calorie-savings there.
Tell your credit card companies, "Hey, I'm a believer - here's a few bucks on the principal, and if you charge me interest again I'll mail your head to the Ayatollah." Sub-prime mortgage-holders, unite and pray, "Allah Akbar!"
They can't make you pay against your religion, and so they can't take your house. Just imagine the savings on property taxes! Besides, you get to marry that cute 9/11 widow next door, and the one next door to her, too - all at once. Do a triple spin and you're through with them, and now you're rich - you also get their million-dollar bank accounts.
Mass religious conversions are a common thing throughout history. The Buddhists chopped heads throughout South India into the Far East in just a century, killing untold millions but making millions more into the peaceful, dainty people you see today. Saladin could tell you about the how he sent the Crusaders home from Iraq and Jerusalem in body bags. The road to Rome was lined with people hung upside down from nails in their hands and feet in furtherance of Dionysius and those guys. The Spanish Inquisition was very persuasive; even Jews joined the Church. And of course, Adolf Hitler had some sort of secret religion beneath the Catholicism of his youth, which he ultimately rejected because the papal see was in Rome and not Berlin.
Osama bin Laden has another plan. Sure, it's really "Convert, or else," but you don't have to give up your life unless you want to (and on the other side of the coin, if you are a male and give it up as an Islamic martyr, you've got all those virgins waiting for you in Paradise).
C'mon, Cindy Sheehan and all the rest of you who want to end this war now. Heed Osama. Just learn those 11 little words, say them everywhere, and the war is over. Don't "trouble deaf Heaven with [your] bootless cries," as Shakespeare put it - just get down on your knees and pray.