by Erik Deckers
American Reporter Humor Writer
August 23, 2007
HELL HATH NO FURY LIKE AN EX-WIFE SCORNED
INDIANAPOLIS, Ind. -- I learned a long time ago about the importance of treating one's wife with respect and kindness. And unlike some of my other life lessons, I didn't have to learn this one the hard way.
Not like some Guys I've known. Guys who still haven't learned this lesson, even after years of marriage. Despite countless fights, numerous nights on the couch, and a wife's frigidness that reduces global warming by ten percent, these clueless clods still haven't learned not to make their wife feel stupid, disrespected, or unloved.
These are the morons who still think a woman's place is in the kitchen, and that her job is to cater to his every whim. But it's not just the older Guys who think this. There are even some 20-somethings whose ideas about women haven't changed since Leave It To Beaver was brand new.
Years ago, I knew one Neanderthal who boasted that he didn't need to cook, clean, iron, or do laundry, because "his woman" did it for him.
"So you're pretty much screwed if she ever leaves you," I said to him.
Grog scratched his head. "What you mean?"
"I mean, if your wife left you, you'd die of starvation. And we'd find your rumpled, unwashed corpse in a pigsty of a house."
"That not true! That not true! Me can cook."
"Microwave pot pies don't count."
Grog grunted something about pizza delivery and shuffled off, knuckles dragging the ground so deeply, he left furrows.
Even in the 21st century, I've met married couples who believe the husband is the boss, and the wife can't have an opinion unless her husband lets her.
All I can say is, watch out, Guys. If you don't treat your wives well, they're going to take matters into their own hands. A friend recently sent me a story that illustrates this point.
According to a recent Reuters news story, Anna, a 41-year-old Russian woman set fire to her ex-husband Nikolai's er... uh... groin.
Let me say it again: She set his groin on fire. ON FIRE!
This story even made Lorena Bobbit sit up and say "Ooh, that's harsh."
Unfortunately, Anna and Nikolai's relationship was not a happy one, even before she lit his fuse. The pair had been married for 19 years, before getting a divorce in 2003. Apparently, Nikolai's repeated affairs and addiction to X-rated movies ended the marriage. But they were forced to live together for three years in their small southeast Moscow apartment after their divorce, because the cost of housing is so high in Russia.
One night, Nikolai was sleeping naked on the couch, drinking vodka, and watching porn when it happened. He told the Tvoi Den newspaper, "It was monstrously painful. I was burning like a torch. I don't know what I did to deserve this."
I think I've identified your problem, comrade. And I can name that tune in six words: "sleeping, naked, drinking, vodka, watching, and porn."
Sydney, Australia's Channel 9 News was the most er... enlightening on the subject. They reported that Anna was so angry at finding her ex drunk and half-asleep watching X-rated movies in their apartment, she doused him with vodka, and tried to light him up, but the vodka evaporated.
So she rolled up some newspapers, lit them, and stuck them on his groin. He went up like a Molotov cocktail (which, coincidentally, was named for another Russian, Vyacheslav Molotov, a Soviet leader under Joseph Stalin).
But being half-asleep also means being half-awake. It's like a glass being half empty versus half full. And I would hope that if I'm half-awake, I would notice if my wife was trying to set fire to me. Especially if her first attempt failed, and she was aiming for my privates with a flaming rolled-up newspaper.
Nikolai suffered burns to 30 percent of his body, including his stomach and left arm.
"His sex organs took the heaviest blow," a nurse told Tvoi Den. A police spokeswoman said it was "difficult to predict" whether Nikolai would make a full recovery.
Anna will be charged with bodily harm, and faces a maximum penalty of three years in prison. But if Russian culture is anything like American culture, Anna will be hailed as a conquering heroine, and a symbol for poorly-treated Russian women everywhere. A torch bearer of anger and hope, so to speak.
So let this be a warning to you men who don't treat your wives well. They're getting tired of it. They're starting to rebel against how you're treating them. And they've got matches.
Starting Saturday, August 25, Erik Deckers' radio play "Slick Bracer and The Giant Nap" will be available for download at www.decoderringtheatre.com. Download it and enjoy!