by Erik Deckers
American Reporter Humor Writer
February 1, 2007
ARE YOU ETHICAL? TAKE A QUIZ AND FIND OUT
INDIANAPOLIS, Ind. -- Do you think you're ethical? Do you eat other people's lunch at work? Run red lights at 2:00 a.m.? At cash register "take a penny/leave a penny" cups, do you take or leave pennies? Then probably not.
But how can you be sure? After all, they're just pennies, no one is around at 2:00 a.m., and no one really likes that guy anyway, so what's the harm? But to be really sure, I've developed a scientific test to see if you truly are a good, ethical person, or you're the kind of evil, immoral, and unethical person who cut me off on the highway last week.
So grab a pen and take the Laughing Stalk Ethics Quiz. No cheating, and keep your eyes on your own paper.
1. You're sitting in your favorite coffee house at a regular table, when your favorite table opens up. You move toward it and reach it at the exact same moment as a young woman. As an ethical person, you should:
a. Be chivalrous and give her the table.
b. Arm wrestle her for it.
c. Ask her to join you and hope your wife doesn't find out.
d. Make fun of her shoes until she cries and runs away.
2. You find five dollars on the floor of the coffee house, but no one is around to claim it. You should:
a. Give it to the manager, in case someone comes back for it.
b. Stick it in your pocket. After all, finders keepers.
c. Look like the soul of generosity, and put it in the tip jar.
d. Give it to the woman who's still blubbering about her shoes.
3. For the past two weeks, the paper boy has delivered your neighbor's newspaper to your house. You've read them all, but are troubled about what to do. To fix the situation, you should:
a. Offer to pay for the two weeks yourself.
b. Take them to your neighbor and apologize.
c. Sic your dog on the paper boy. That'll teach the little moron to deliver to the right house.
d. Trick the Girl Scouts out of their cookies the same way.
4. You've been dating two people, neither of them seriously, for a couple months. But neither of them knows about the other. You decide it's time to make a choice. You should:
a. Choose the one you could spend the rest of your life with.
b. Choose the one you have the most fun with.
c. Choose the one with the most money.
d. Dump them both and hope your spouse doesn't find out.
5. You're in the supermarket produce aisle, and you eat a couple grapes. When you get to the cash register, you feel a pang of guilt. What should you do?
a. Don't say anything. It costs more than your two cents for the cashier to ring your grapes up.
b. Pay for the grapes anyway, even though they tell you not to worry about it.
c. Crack open a beer, and see if they're still as generous.
d. Why stop at beer? Stuff a couple steaks in your pants.
6. You work at a retail clothing store. You find a great sweater that you want to buy, but it's way too expensive. You should:
a. Work extra hours to make the money so you can buy it.
b. Wait for the next sale and hope it's still around.
c. Ask the manager to do you a favor and mark it down early for you.
d. Hide it in the back in a box marked, "Danger: extremely poisonous snakes."
7. You're taking a class at your local college. You discover that one of your classmates has been cheating on tests throughout the semester. You should:
a. Write a secret note to the instructor, informing her of the cheating.
b. Pull your classmate aside and tell him you know he's been cheating. Advise him to stop.
c. Demand a bribe to keep your mouth shut.
d. Make him be your alibi while you date those two people from number four.
8. You're a weekly humor columnist who takes great pains in writing clever columns with a final joke at the end of every piece. You're running out of time and inspiration on your latest column, and you're stuck for an ending. You should:
a. Work through it until you get it right.
b. Slap something together and promise to do better next week.
c. Tell yourself that no one reads it to the end anyway, so don't bother with the final joke.
d. Send the editor an old column that he's probably forgotten.