by Erik Deckers
American Reporter Humor Writer
January 28, 2007
HALF A FISH STORY
INDIANAPOLIS, Ind. -- "Shh! Be quiet or you'll scare the fish away."
"Because fish can hear sounds outside the water."
"Yes, honey, like thumping the boat."
"Yes, like your sister did."
"I know she did it too. You both did. That's why I said to stop."
"But they can still hear, even underwater."
"Because they have ears."
"No, not ears like ours."
"Yes, sweetie, that would look pretty silly."
"They look like little holes up near the top of their head, slightly behind their eyes."
"We didn't bring your brother because he's too young to go fishing. He's with Mommy. I thought it would be fun if it was just the three of us."
"Well, he can't swim, for one thing."
"I know you're all wearing life vests. But I don't want to have to watch three kids in a boat while we're trying to catch fish."
"Because trying to keep you from fighting at home is hard enough. I don't want the added problem of water safety, too."
"Because it's - hey, honey, you got a bite!"
"Set the hook."
"No, don't set the pole down. Yank on it."
"Oh no, it got away."
"No, honey, don't cry."
"You did fine. That was great."
"Don't worry, we'll catch some."
"Because sometimes fish don't get a good bite on the hook, so when you set the hook, it pulls out of his mouth."
"No, we can't keep the fish as a pet."
"We're not catching goldfish."
"Because they're too big to fit in the fish bowl."
"They're about 12 inches long, and they weigh two pounds."
"You eat them."
"What do you mean, yuck?"
"You like fish."
"Yes you do. You like it when Mommy makes salmon, right?"
"Salmon are fish."
"They are too!"
"I have an idea. Let's - sweetie, you got a bite! Set the hook!"
"Great, now reel him in."
"I don't know if he's a boy fish. I call all fish he."
"I don't know. I just - keep cranking!"
"Wow, look at that one. Good job, sweetie. Okay, I'll net him -- uhh, her."
"You take her off the hook. Do you have your needle nose pliers?"
"Good. Got your glove?"
"What do you mean, real fisherman don't wear gloves?"
"Oh, he did, did he? Well, you just tell Grandpa that he can just - hey, I got a bite!"
"Let's reel this bad boy in here"
"No, honey, he's not a bad boy. He's just a fish."
"Because my fish is a boy fish."
"No, honey, not like Nemo."
"No, we're not eating Nemo."
"Because Nemo is an ocean fish, for one thing. Bass are lake fish."
"Sweetie, I'm busy at the moment. Can you take your own fish off the hook?"
"What do you mean, you did?"
"Already? Wow, that's fast."
"Here he comes. Almost there."
"No, I don't want the net."
"I'll just grab him."
"Alright, her. Where's my glove?"
"What do you mean, back there?"
"Why didn't you tell me it fell in the water?"
"Never mind, I know a trick."
"Here he com - "
"No, it's not, it's a wood fish."
"Those aren't leaves, they're fins."
"All right, all right, it's a branch."
"Yes, I know that's not a fish."
"It's not that funny."
"Lots of people catch branches."
"Sure they do. I remember one time I caught a branch, and it was thi-i-i-is big! I brought it home and built a desk out of it."
"No, not really. Whenever I catch a branch, I just throw it back."
"No, honey, that wasn't a lie. It's a fish tale."
"That's when a fisherman exaggerates about the size of the fish he caught."
"Because it's not a lie."
"Because it's not."
"It just - Hey, honey, you got a bite! Set the hook. Yank on it like I showed you."
"Good job. Keep reeling him in."
"Sweetie, would you help your sister take the fish off the hook?"
"But I lost my glove."
"But, but ... fine, I'll do it."
"Let me get ahold of it ... right here under the gills ... Ewwwwww! It's SLIMY!!"
"Man, the things I do for you girls. Just remember this when you want to get your driver's licenses."
"Okay, we're going to be out here for a while. What do you want to talk about?"
"Babies?! Uhh, I think that's something you should talk to Mommy about."
"Because I think that's a conversation every Mommy should have with her daughters."
"Because I don't - oh look, I got a bite."
"Yes, I did."
"What do you mean, the pole's not bending?"
"Well, it's a super-strong pole. It doesn't bend that easily."
"Shh! Don't talk, or you'll scare the fish away."
"Especially about that."