by Erik Deckers
American Reporter Humor Writer
December 10, 2006
SILENT NIGHT? FAT CHANCE
INDIANAPOLIS, Ind. -- "Okay kids, we need to buy one more Christmas present for Mommy. We don't have much time."
"No, Honey, Christmas isn't tomorrow."
"It's in two weeks, Sweetie."
"That's 14 days, Buddy."
"Don't worry, we'll get our shopping done in plenty of time. I'd like to get it all done tonight if I can."
"Because I hate being at the mall during Christmas season."
"Because I don't like big crowds of people."
"Because it's hard to keep track of you three when - Buddy, where'd you go?!"
"Gaah! Don't do that, dude. You nearly gave Daddy a heart attack."
"Yes, it's funny that you hid behind me. Please don't do that anymore."
"Come on, you guys. Let's go see what we can find for Mommy."
"No, Honey, we can't go to the toy store."
"Because we're looking for Mommy's presents, not yours."
"Because we already got yours."
"I'm not telling you that!"
"Because it's a surprise."
"A surprise is when something is unexpected or startling."
"Yes, like when your brother hid behind me. Speaking of which, Buddy, where are you?!"
"Gaah! Dang it, dude, quit scaring me like that!"
"Yes, I know you were hiding."
"I know you didn't hide behind me that time. Where did you hide?"
"Ah, the pants display. Very clever."
"Uhh, no, I never did that when I was a kid."
"What do you mean, 'lying makes Baby Jesus cry?'"
"Sweetie, I'm not lying. You can ask Grandma the next time you see her."
"You will? Oh. Well, maybe I did do that once or twice."
"No, Buddy, we can't get a Thomas the Tank Engine for Mommy."
"Because she doesn't want one."
"I don't know. Because she doesn't know how to play with it, I guess."
"I'm sure you could show her. But we're still not getting it."
"Because you shouldn't give things to people that you really want in the first place. That's called a Lloyd Gift."
"Put your lip back in. A reindeer might land on it."
"Never mind. Don't worry, you'll get some nice presents."
"No, I'm not telling you what you're getting."
"Because it's a surprise."
"We went through all that while you were hiding, so I'm not -- hey, where's your sister?"
"Honey, get out of the pants rack."
"Because we don't have a lot of time left."
"Now, let's try this store."
"Hey, bookstores aren't boring!"
"You guys like the library, right?"
"Well, this is like the library, but you have to pay for it."
"I don't know, Sweetie. Maybe a mystery novel. There's a new one I -- er, she hasn't read."
"She does too like mysteries."
"Umm, since always?"
"Fine. How about a new cookbook? I've been in the mood for Italian food lately."
"That's right, Buddy, 'sgetti."
"What about this? Do you think Mommy could make that?"
"Impose gender-based expectations?! Where did you hear that?"
"That's it, no more C-SPAN for you."
"Okay, let's go over to this store."
"What about candy? Do you think she'd like some candy."
"What's her favorite?"
"No, I don't like that so much."
"What? Did Mommy coach you on what to say?"
"Because you sound just like her, that's why."
"No, Buddy, we're not getting those."
"No, Honey, not those, either."
"No, Sweetie, not those, either."
"Let's try that store. Maybe she'd like a CD or a movie."
"I don't know. What does Mommy listen to when you guys are in the car?"
"Eww, I'm not getting that."
"Not that either."
"Because that stuff's about as un-hip as 'West Side Story.'"
"Wait, I know. Let's get the 'Dodgeball' movie."
"Trust me, she loves it. She's seen it before."
"No, Honey, you guys can't watch it."
"You know those words Daddy says when he hurts himself?"
"They say those words in the movie. A lot."
"Yes, a lot more than Daddy!"
"No, you can't say those words."
"Buddy, don't say that."
"Don't say that, either."
"Because children shouldn't say those words."
"Uhh, because it makes Baby Jesus cry?"
"Yes, I suppose He cries when Daddy says them, too."
"Because I - look, we're running out of time! We need to get one more present for Mommy. Come on."
"Wait, look over there."
"Wow, look at that, Buddy. It's perfect."
"That's what we're getting, Honey."
"Yes, Sweetie, she'll love it."
"Hold on, my phone is ringing."
"We're still at the mall."
"Finishing up the Christmas shopping."
"Why, what time is it?"
"Just keep it warm in the oven. We'll eat it when we get home."
"I don't know, a couple more hours."
"You shouldn't say that."
"Because it makes Baby Jesus cry."