by Elizabeth T. Andrews
American Reporter Correspondent
November 29, 2006
WHAT REALLY HAPPENED IN EDEN
CARTERSVILLE, Ga. -- God created a garden and rested. God created man and rested. Then God created woman and since then neither God nor man has rested.
That's an old joke from my childhood, and if you'll indulge me, I'd like to set the record straight about what really happened in that garden.
Let's see now. God created the world and then he
created a man called Adam and God plunked Adam down in
a gorgeous garden to play and live happily ever after.
But Adam got cold when the snows came, and he whined and told God he needed somebody to keep his bed warm, and God said "Okay" and he created a woman for Adam and her name was Bed Warmer.
Then Adam told God he didn't know how to cook, and a hateful ol' snake bit him while he was picking apples, and he needed a woman to pick all the apples, and another woman to bake apple pies, and God said "Okay," and he took another handful of dirt and made Adam two more women, one to pick the apples and another one to bake apple pies, and for a little while all Adam had to do was just swing through the trees and play happily in the stream that ran through the garden.
Pretty soon Adam got bored and he told God he wanted to start his own business selling apples but he couldn't type or file and he was allergic to the glue in postage stamps and he didn't know how to use a pencil sharpener. And God said "No problem." and he took some more dirt and made Adam a typist, a file clerk, a stamp-licker, and a pencil sharpener, and Adam started his own business.
All went well for awhile with the gals doing all the work and Adam happily counting all his money but one day Adam's bones started creaking and he said to God "I need some children to take care of me in my old age. All these women are getting old. I need some sweet young things for breeding purposes." And God said "Fine." God scraped some more dirt out of the garden and made Adam three very young females and Adam got busy, and the girls had him so many kids that everywhere he looked the garden was stacked with piles of dirty diapers.
So Adam told God he needed a woman that could do the laundry. And God sighed and said "OK, but I've run out of dirt."
And Adam whined and said "But I'm desperate! Them dirty diapers are everywhere! Do something!" and God said "Well, OK."
Not having any more dirt, God scooped up a handful of stardust and fashioned a woman out of it and set her down in front of Adam. And Adam took her by her hand and led her down to the creek where he had piled all the dirty diapers, and Adam instructed her in the art of beating the fig-leaf diapers gently on the rocks.
And the woman called Stardust put her hands on her hips and declared, "Who in God's name do you think you are talking to! You have got to be kidding! You want those dirty leaves washed, wash 'em yourself. My mission in life is not to wash the you-know-what out of your kids' diapers." And Stardust went stomping up the hill and into Adam's office building, where she watched the robot-motions of all the women ruining the place and then she shouted, "What's the matter with you? Don't you know you can work half as hard in your own business and keep all the money?"
And after about an hour of personal-power lecturing, the women shut all the machines down, turned off the lights, and followed Stardust out of the building. They found Bed Warmer and Apple Picker and Pie Baker and the women called Breeders and they all went down the hill and found Adam squatted by the creek with his head in his hands, muttering to himself.
And Stardust told Adam they were taking over the garden, and if he behaved they would give him a small corner of the garden down by the creek, and he could be Head Diaper-Washer and Chief Breeder because they needed some more males to do all the tedious work the women didn't want to do. And Stardust assured Adam that he would be well cared-for all the rest of his life as long as he did his work and didn't question a man's place in the new order.
And Adam agreed because he knew there would never be another apple pie or warm bed if he didn't, and as far as I know he is still there washing fig leaf diapers, gazing into the water, and trying to figure out what went wrong.
And God got very frustrated over the way the females were treating the males and he went to the other side of the Moon and talked with Venus, who said "I told you not to use that stardust to make a woman, but you wouldn't listen and now you're stuck with the mess you've made."
And that is the true story of what really happened in what is known today as The garden of Free Women.
Moral: Never fashion a woman out of stardust, because if you do all Hell will break loose.
AR Correspondent Elizabeth T. Andrews is a newspaper columnist living in Cartersville, Ga., where she writes poetry. Reach her at firstname.lastname@example.org, or P.O. Box 816, Cartersville, GA 30120.