Vol. 22, No. 5,514 - The American Reporter - September 7, 2016

by Erik Deckers
American Reporter Humor Writer
Indianapolis, Ind.
November 20, 2006
Make My Day

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INDIANAPOLIS, Ind. -- Erik's note: In the true Laughing Stalk Thanksgiving tradition, we offer Erik's "'Twas the Month Before Christmas" column, so he can grouse about stores that have their Christmas decorations out before Hallowe'en is over.

Here goes!

'Twas The Night Before Christmas

'Twas six weeks before Christmas, and all through the town
Hallowe'en goblins were just coming down;
I went to the mall for a weekend reprieve
And what I saw there I could not believe.

The place had gone crazy; the mall was just packed
With new clothes and new toys and cheap plastic sacks;
The store owners were praying and pulling their hair,
Desperately hoping we'd waste money there.

When in one of the stores there arose such a clatter
I thought to myself "Now what's the matter?"
Away toward the noise the crowd flew like a flash
And knocked an old woman right onto her butt.

The cheesy green lights and the canned Christmas music
Made me realize no word rhymes with "music"
What I saw next made me scream and turn pale
A red-and-green sign that said "We're having a sale!"

With a perky sales clerk, so cheerful and quick
I knew in a moment I soon would be sick!
She herded us in like sheep to the slaughter,
"Come in and buy things for your son and your daughter!"

"We take Visa and Mastercard and Discover!" she chimed.
"American Express, credit cards of all kind!
From the back of the store, all the way to the front
Everything is on sale - there's no need to hunt!"

With the power and fury of an eight-point quake
The people were drawn in like a fat guy to cake
And into the store, the crowd they just flew -
But what they were after, I hadn't a clue!

And then with a shudder, I heard just behind me
The ear-piercing scream of a child of three;
He gave such a shriek that it curled back my hair
As he yelled at his parents, "Hey let's go in there!"

"I see lots of games and toys," yelled the runt
"Why can't we go in there and get what I want?"
I looked at his parents, all haggard and worn.
Their faces were bruised, their clothes were all torn.

Their eyes, how they drooped, and their coats were all muddy
; She was missing her shoes, and his nose was bloody;
He clung to his wallet, she clutched at her purse
As he tried not to bellow as she held back a curse.

"You've got enough stuff," the two parents said,
But the child just screamed and cried and turned red.
"What's the matter?" I asked, though I wished I had not -
These two desperate parents were quite overwrought!

"We're shopping for Christmas, for family and friends,
But it seems like the madness goes on without end."
"We've been here since morning, looking for sales
But we've spent all our money - we're as poor as two snails!"

"Credit cards, debit cards, checkbooks and cash,
It's only November, and our budget has crashed!"
Then the child came running and shouting with glee
"Hey, I found something else! You must come with me!"

And I heard them exclaim, as they left with a grunt,
"Merry Christmas to you, though it's not 'til next month!"

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