by Erik Deckers
American Reporter Humor Writer
November 20, 2006
Make My Day
'TWAS THE MONTH BEFORE CHRISTMAS
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INDIANAPOLIS, Ind. -- Erik's note: In the true Laughing Stalk Thanksgiving tradition, we offer Erik's "'Twas the Month Before Christmas" column, so he can grouse about stores that have their Christmas decorations out before Hallowe'en is over.
'Twas The Night Before Christmas
'Twas six weeks before Christmas, and all through the town
Hallowe'en goblins were just coming down;
I went to the mall for a
And what I saw there I could not believe.
The place had gone crazy; the mall was just packed
With new clothes
and new toys and cheap plastic sacks;
The store owners were praying and
pulling their hair,
Desperately hoping we'd waste money there.
When in one of the stores there arose such a clatter
I thought to
myself "Now what's the matter?"
Away toward the noise the
crowd flew like a flash
And knocked an old woman right onto her
The cheesy green lights and the canned Christmas music
realize no word rhymes with "music"
What I saw next made me
scream and turn pale
A red-and-green sign that said "We're having a
With a perky sales clerk, so cheerful and quick
I knew in a moment I
soon would be sick!
She herded us in like sheep to the slaughter,
"Come in and buy things for your son and your daughter!"
"We take Visa and Mastercard and Discover!" she chimed.
"American Express, credit cards of all kind!
From the back of the
store, all the way to the front
Everything is on sale - there's no need
With the power and fury of an eight-point quake
The people were
drawn in like a fat guy to cake
And into the store, the crowd they just
But what they were after, I hadn't a clue!
And then with a shudder, I heard just behind me
The ear-piercing scream
of a child of three;
He gave such a shriek that it curled back my hair
As he yelled at his parents, "Hey let's go in there!"
"I see lots of games and toys," yelled the runt
can't we go in there and get what I want?"
I looked at his
parents, all haggard and worn.
Their faces were bruised, their clothes
were all torn.
Their eyes, how they drooped, and their coats were all muddy
; She was
missing her shoes, and his nose was bloody;
He clung to his wallet, she
clutched at her purse
As he tried not to bellow as she held back a
"You've got enough stuff," the two parents said,
But the child just screamed and cried and turned red.
matter?" I asked, though I wished I had not -
These two desperate parents were quite overwrought!
"We're shopping for Christmas, for family and friends,
seems like the madness goes on without end."
"We've been here
since morning, looking for sales
But we've spent all our money - we're
as poor as two snails!"
"Credit cards, debit cards, checkbooks and cash,
November, and our budget has crashed!"
Then the child came running
and shouting with glee
"Hey, I found something else! You must come
And I heard them exclaim, as they left with a grunt,
Christmas to you, though it's not 'til next month!"