by Erik Deckers
American Reporter Humor Writer
August 20, 2006
TAKE TWO PILLS AND ... UHHHH
INDIANAPOLIS, Ind. -- "You can't fix stupid," claims stand-up comic Ron White.
White says that while people can get face lifts, tummy tucks, and boob jobs to look younger, there's just no operation, procedure, or pill that will make a person smarter.
German scientists may have shattered White's theory in early August, when they announced they had improved the short term memory of mice and fruit flies with the world's first "anti-stupid" pill.
According to a Reuters article, the pill "helps stabilize short-term memory and improve attentiveness." The scientist, Dr. Hans-Hilger Ropers, director of the Max-Planck Institute for Molecular Genetics in Berlin, hopes to test it on humans one day. But right now, it only reduces short-term memory loss in mice and fruit flies.
That's too bad, because a pill that improves short-term memory would be a Godsend for many people, including me, who suffer from the occasional short-term memory lapses.
The anti-stupid pill works by "thwarting hyperactivity in certain brain nerve cells," the net result of which is improved short-term memory and attentiveness in mice and fruit flies.
As I read the article, I thought of all the benefits a pill like this would have for humans. How many of us have wandered into a room and immediately forgotten why we were there in the first place? Wouldn't it be great to just pop one of these pills into your mouth and instantly remember what you were there for? (Of course, this would be a problem if you were going in the room specifically to get the pills.)
You could also use the pill if you were at a store, and suddenly forgot what you were supposed to buy. Rather than smacking yourself on the forehead and mumbling something about a "senior moment," you could instead take one of these pills. Then you would instantly remember you were supposed to buy mouse traps and fly strips.
As an added bonus, the pill also increases attentiveness, which is often a problem for small children who generally have very short attention spans and are easily distracted by - hey look, balloons!
Unfortunately, the media wasn't providing much information on these wonderful new pills. They were too busy reporting on organized attacks by an army of super-intelligent mice and fruit flies. So I decided to call Dr. Ropers in Germany to find out more about his amazing discovery.
"Hello? I'd like a large pepperoni and sausage pizza with extra cheese," I said. "And a large Coke."
The voice on the other end sighed. "Ve don't haf any pizza."
"Why? Did you run out?"
"Let me guess. Zis is Erik Deckers, und you vant to know about ze pill for short-term memory loss, ja?"
"That's amazing! How did you know?"
"Because zis is ze third time you haf called us."
"Dr. Ropers? Is that you?"
The voice sighed again. "Ja."
"When did you start selling pizza? What happened to the science thing?"
"Ve are not doing ze ... pizza thing. Ve are still scientists."
"So you're just moonlighting at a pizza place? Trying to make a few extra bucks, huh? Tell you what, Doc, you should check into this anti-stupid pill I was reading about. If you could invent one of those, man, you'd be rich!"
"Guten abend, Herr Deckers. I must go now."
"Thank you, Dr. Ropers. You've been a big help."
"You're velcome. I'll talk to you in five minutes."
I finally managed to get Dr. Ropers to give me some additional information, although he insisted they were out of pizza. I hope the delivery truck shows up soon, because otherwise he's going to lose a lot of customers.
According to Dr. Ropers, the initial fly tests were very tough, because most of the flies couldn't swallow the pill before their 24-hour life cycle was up, while those that did manage to swallow it died instantly.
But eventually, the scientists found a way around the problem, so the mice and fruit flies (did I mention this only works on mice and fruit flies?) were able to take the drug. The end result is that the test subjects could accurately remember eight pizza orders placed during a regular dinner rush.
Think about it, no more losing your car keys, forgetting important phone numbers, or losing your car keys. With the new anti-stupid pill, you'll be able to avoid those embarrassing senior moments, instantly recall past conversations with German scientists, and not get distracted by - yay, SpongeBob SquarePants is on!
That's Dr. Pizza's Anti-Stupid Pills. Now available in mice and fruit-fly flavors.