by W.R. Marshall
American Reporter Correspondent
July 5, 2006
GOVERNMENT'S BROKE? I'LL FIX IT
CHARLESTON, S.C. -- Things are broken, all kinds of things. Just look around. We have bad leaders, bad air, bad diets, bad television - it's not good.
So I've taken it upon myself to fix things, one thing at a time. Today I'm going to fix the government - one part of it, anyway.
Look, I'm not just some blogger yaking about this or that. I've got bona fides. I'm barely educated on two continents, have a bunch of degrees (I'm using my doctorate for a tea coaster as I write), I know how to say MacDonald's in at least a dozen languages, am the former Sunday chef at the Die Scheune outside of Mannheim, and I know way more than that gasbag Dr. Phil.
Now, onto the fixing of things. Government is big, and that's part of the problem. It's much too big to fix in a single column, so I'll start with one branch at a time. Today, it's the Executive Branch, where there are simply too many executive departments, so many that a dozen donuts won't feed them all. They need to be slashed, reorganized.
First to go is the Vice-Presidency. Why? Dick Cheney, Dan Quayle, that's why.
Next out is the Dept. of Transportation. Sounds like a travel agency, and with fuel prices going through the roof, no one's going to be traveling much, and if no one's going anywhere because we either can't afford or don't have gas, then all the former oil company executives who run the Dept. of Energy become unnecessary; hence, another department gone.
Now, if no one is going anywhere because there's no gas, there won't be a lot of transporting going on, which goes back to why we don't need a Dept. of Transportation, and among the things that won't be transported are fruits and vegetables and cows, farm stuff; the axe for the Dept. of Agriculture. Since boxes of peaches and herds of cows won't be transported, then there's no need for workers to load and unload trucks and trains, nor will we need people to drive them or dispatchers to dispatch them and so on - goodbye to the Dept. of Labor. No labor, no money; no money, no commerce; no commerce, no treasury - and there's two more departments kicked to the curb.
Dept. of Education? I've taught both university and high school - there is no Dept. of Education.
The Dept. of the Interior is also a sham. Every time I see the President sitting on those horrible striped chairs in the Oval Office, I know whatever money they're spending on interior decorating is wasted.
There are so many generals in Washington you can't throw a lobbying job without hitting three, so we don't need another General who's also an Attorney, and as for needing attorneys...(your favorite lawyer joke here).
The Departments of State and Defense should be merged into one office, which we'll call the Department of Suspense. The good thing about this change is none of us will see any difference in the day-to-day operation as no one, including the current Secretaries, have any idea what they're doing or what's going to happen tomorrow.
Dept. of Homeland what? Maybe a Dept. of Giant Fences, but they already have one of those at Home Depot, so we buy them there, which would put money back in the economy in case we can ever afford gas again.
We have are a bunch of initials, HUD, EPA and OMB, and I propose we make them the Dept. of National Word Jumble. They can award cheese to the cleverest entries. So far I've got BE A MUD HOP - but I don't like cheese.
Health and Human Services stays intact and gets a bunch more money, because that's what government is supposed to do, take care of its citizens.
I foresee one problem with my plan; it leaves the Office of the President with supreme power and probably will give the President a sense of infallibility, even divine purpose, and the arrogance that goes along with it - but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
There you have it, one thing fixed, many to go. I'll keep working on it, and if you out there in the cyber-village have something that needs fixing, just drop me a line and I'll get right on it...as soon as I'm done with baseball caps.