by W.R. Marshall
American Reporter Correspondent
June 16, 2006
THE ANNUAL HUBRIS AWARDS
CHARLESTON, S.C. -- "Welcome! Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to this year's Hubris Awards and Banquet. I'm Jimmy Communicationsmajor, and you all know the beautiful and never humble Diana Perfectteeth."
"Thank you, Jimmy. It certainly is great to be here this year, and it was a year among years for the arrogant and indifferent, and they'll all be here tonight."
"They sure will, Diane, and while we don't know the winners, we know one thing for sure - they won't be serving crow for dinner."
"Oh, Jimmy, you're too much."
"Actually, Diana, for the folks here tonight, nothing is too much. Now let's get this party started with our first award, and what's the category, Diana?"
"It's a favorite of our audience, Jimmy, and certainly a favorite of mine - Best Perp Walk."
"Right you are, Diana, nothing says hubris like the mighty in handcuffs."
"The competition was stiff this year, Jimmy. We had lobbyists, congressmen, White House aides..."
" - and they're all winners, Diana."
"That they are, Jimmy. But when the votes were tallied, one man walked the walk that he would have made just a few months earlier in a limousine. The winner of this year's Best Perp Walk goes to the man who we all thought had boundless energy, Ken Lay."
"Kenny Boy couldn't be here to accept his award tonight, Diana. He was on his way but the prison bus ran out of gas."
"Those things happen, Jimmy, we'll be glad to send his award to his new home."
"I'm sure he'll appreciate it, Diana. He can probably trade it for a couple of packs of smokes."
"And speaking of smoking, Jimmy, our next award goes to a man who really heated up the geo-political landscape and the skies over the Middle East."
"That's right, Diana! Here's the guy who took "Bring it on!" from the schoolyard and made it a mainstay of American foreign policy."
"And I thought you could only use it when Britanniey Peterson tried to take head cheerleader away from you."
"That's why we elect these people, Diana. They know things we don't."
"They sure do, Jimmy. And while our last winner knew how to walk the walk, the winner of this award knows how to talk the talk. So here he is, the winner of the Apologize For What Award, the President of the United States, George Bush."
"He's prepared a short speech for us tonight, Diana, let's listen."
"I said, Well, it was just an expression that came out. I didn't rehearse it... . I don't know if you'd call it a regret, but it certainly is a lesson that a President must be mindful of, that the words that you sometimes say - I speak plainly sometimes, but you've got to be mindful of the consequences of the words. So put that down. I don't know if you'd call that a confession, a regret - something."
"'Something', Diana. I couldn't have said it better myself."
"Who could Jimmy? Who could?"
"Before our final award tonight, Diana, I thought we could let the folks at home see some of the luminaries in the audience."
"A great idea, Jimmy! Let's turn up the house lights and see who's down there. Now there's a well-turned-out table. It's Oprah and Martha Stewart, and I believe they're trading gardeners."
"Is that a Hermes agenda Oprah's writing in?"
"Look over there, Jimmy - it's Rush Limbaugh, tapping his fingers and bobbing his head to the music!"
"Hey, Diana, no one's playing music."
"Well, maybe that's some kind of meditation they taught him in rehab."
"They never taught me that one."
"And look who we have over here, Jimmy..."
"Why, it's our old pal, Donald Rumsfeld, and it looks like he's arm wrestling with Condoleeza Rice. I'd watch out, Condi! He's already beaten Colin Powell."
"Well, that was fun, wasn't it, Jimmy?"
"It's always great to look down on the people we look up to, Diana."
"And now it's time for our final award of the evening, and a very special award tonight: The Oedipus Rex Lifetime Achievement Award. This is recognition for a life lived to the highest standards of hubris, and tonight's recipient is such a man."
"He certainly is, Diana. From questionable business dealings to dropping the "F bomb" in the Senate, this man backs up for no one."
"And let's not forget his most recent, and some say greatest act of hubris: actually shooting a friend in the face. Nothing great there, any of us could do that, but he decided not to tell anyone for a couple of days."
"They ought to rename this award after him, Diana. All Oedipus did was kill his father and sleep with his mother... ."
" - and everyone was doing that back then, Jimmy."
"Here he comes now, the Vice President of the United States, Dick Cheney."
"Listen to that ovation, Jimmy. And here to present him with the award is his old friend, Brit Hume. Earlier this evening Brit won the Charles Foster Kane Journalism Award for his pointed questioning of Vice President Cheney after the shooting. Who can ever forget that touching moment when Britt asked his friend, "Did you get the bird?"
"I'll bet the Veep has gotten the bird plenty of times, Diana!"
"Oh, Jimmy, you're such a kidder."
"And as the Vice President makes his way back to his table we come to the close of another great show."
"They just keep getting better and better, Jimmy. I can't wait for next year. Until then, I'm Diana Perfectteeth - "
"... and I'm Jimmy Communicationsmajor, saying goodnight and remember: 'Whenever you can, screw the little guy.'"