by Erik Deckers
American Reporter Humor Writer
April 30, 2006
BECAUSE WE DON'T NEED ANY, THAT'S WHY
SYRACUSE, Ind. -- "All right, Buddy, let's get you into the shopping cart."
"No, honey, you can't ride in the cart."
"Because there's no room."
"Because your brother is sitting there."
"Because he's three. He needs to ride up here so I can keep an eye on him."
"No, you can't ride in the big part."
"I want you to walk with me."
"You're old enough to walk now."
"Yes, like a big girl."
"That's right, you're five."
"No, you're not old enough to drive."
"You have to be 16 - I mean 25, before Mommy and I let you drive."
"No, I won't let you date until you're 30."
"Because that's the age that Daddy feels comfortable in finally letting you move out of the house."
"Who told you I was 26 when I married Mommy?"
"She did, did she?"
"Well, Daddy has some different rules about dating."
"I know Mommy said you can date when you're 16, but I just - look, do you even know what dating is?"
"I'll have Mommy explain it when you're older."
"Because Mommy is going to explain a lot of things when you're older."
"What do you mean, 'like what?' I'm not saying anything for another 11 years."
"Okay, where's the list?"
"Buddy, do you have the grocery list?"
"Sweetie, do you?"
"Oh, here it is. It was in my pocket."
"Yes, yes, that's very funny."
"Let's see, we need milk, eggs, carrots, ground beef, cereal, and potatoes."
"Not tomatoes. Potatoes."
"Not potato chips."
"That's not on the list."
"Because Mommy doesn't want us to get any potato chips."
"Do you know what 'cholesterol' is?"
"Well, Mommy does, and that's why we can't have potato chips."
"No, we can't have Doritos either."
"Because they have cholesterol too."
"Well, carrots don't have cholesterol."
"That's why they're on the list."
"Let's find the milk first."
"That's right, Buddy. Milk comes from cows."
"Yes, that's milk in those big jugs over there."
"No, those aren't cows."
"I don't think the cows put the milk in the jugs themselves."
"Do you know what a dairy co-op is?"
"Those are the people who put milk in jugs."
"No, the cows aren't in the back."
"They live on farms."
"Here's the cereal aisle. We need some Cheerios."
"No, you can't have Cap'n Crunch."
"Because it has sugar in it."
"No, sugar isn't cholesterol."
"Do you know what sugar does to you kids?"
"Well, Mommy does, and that's why we're not getting Cap'n Crunch."
"I know you saw it on tv, but that doesn't mean we have to get it."
"I don't like to buy things I see on tv."
"Do you know what 'crass commercialism' is?"
"Well, Daddy does, and that's why we don't buy stuff we see on television."
"Yes, that boy is being very naughty."
"I don't know why he's being so naughty."
"It could be that he had too much sugar."
"It doesn't look like he's going to get into trouble."
"It doesn't look like he ever gets into trouble."
"Huh? Oh, I was just talking to myself."
"No, I'm not going to tell his mommy he eats too much sugar."
"No, I'm not going to tell her that he needs a time out."
"Let's go this way."
"Shhh! Don't point like that!"
"And don't call people 'fat.'"
"I don't know why she's so fat."
"I don't know if she eats too much junk food."
"Buddy, stop pointing. And quit repeating what your sister says."
"Buddy, stop saying 'fat!'"
"No, ma'am. I'm sorry."
"Yes, I know it's genetic."
"No, I understand perfectly. I'm very sorry."
"Oh yeah? Well same to you!"
"Come on kids, let's go get the rest of our stuff."
"We'll cut down this aisle."
"Uhh, those are grown-up things."
"Uhh, mommies and daddies use them."
"They keep babies from ? you need to ask Mommy when you're older."
"Yes, when you're 30. I mean, 40."
"Yes, Daddy does know what they are. That's why I want Mommy to tell you."
"I don't know if those people on the package are married. Uhh, I mean, yes, they are."
"No, we can't buy those."
"Because they - hey, do you want a toy?"
"No, not those."
"Because they aren't balloons!"
"Hey, I know. If you kids quit asking about those, I'll get you some Cap'n Crunch."