Vol. 22, No. 5,514 - The American Reporter - September 7, 2016



by Erik Deckers
American Reporter Humor Writer
Syracuse, Indiana
April 16, 2006
Make My Day
BECAUSE I'M DADDY, THAT'S WHY

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SYRACUSE, Ind. -- "All right, we're here. I want everyone to be good."

"Yes, even Mommy has to be good."

"Don't look at me like that. I didn't say you were bad."

"No I didn't. I was trying to set an example for the girls... . Never mind."

"What, Sweetie?"

"Yes, I know this isn't our usual restaurant. We thought we would try something new for a change."

"Because I'm the Daddy, that's why."

"What do you mean you don't like it? How can you say that if you've never even been here?"

"No, you haven't."

"Because we've never taken you here, that's how. Mommy and I were here one time without you."

"No, we didn't leave you at home! We would never leave you at home by yourselves. You were with Grandma and Grandpa."

"Because you're seven. So are you hungry?"

"I don't know, we'll have to look at a menu."

"Probably the same kids' stuff they have at every restaurant - chicken strips, cheeseburger, spaghetti, and grilled cheese. Real children's cuisine."

"It means 'food.'"

"No, you can't have a balloon. They don't have balloons."

"It's not that kind of restaurant."

"Because this is a nice restaurant. Some nice restaurants just don't have balloons for kids."

"I don't know. It's just part of the atmosphere."

"It means how they look and act."

"Yes, I'm sure they like kids."

"Because we want to try something new."

"Because I'm the Daddy, that's why."

"Wait a minute. What, Honey?"

"No, they won't sing 'Happy Birthday.'"

"Because it's a nice restaurant. They don't sing 'Happy Birthday' at nice restaurants."

"But it's not even your birthday."

"Not for another two months."

"That's right, you'll be three."

"No, Mommy's not three. She's... uhh, let's go inside."

"Sweetie, why don't you sit next to me?"

"Because you both can't sit next to Mommy."

"But then Mommy won't have enough room to eat her dinner."

"Because I want to sit next to you."

"Because I'm the Daddy, that's why."

"Sure, I'll color with you. Can you hand me the green crayon?"

"I don't want red. I'm coloring grass."

"Look, there's 10 other crayons. There's even another green."

"What? I am not being selfish."

"Well, she started it."

"Hold on, let's decide what to have for dinner."

"We'll color again. We just have to decide what you want for dinner first."

"Not macaroni-and-cheese."

"Because it's not meat and vegetables."

"Macaroni is not a vegetable."

"Because it isn't."

"Because I'm the Daddy, that's why."

"I know, that doesn't make sense."

"No, honey, cheese isn't a vegetable either."

"Broccoli is a vegetable."

"Broccoli."

"The green stuff."

"Yes, honey, you like it."

"How about spaghetti, sweetie?"

"What do you mean you don't like spaghetti?"

"You liked it fine when I made it last week."

"You did, too! You ate every bite and asked for more."

"Right, Worms and Guts."

"What? She did call it Worms and Guts."

"It was the only way to get her to eat it."

"Oh, it's not that gross."

"Okay, sweetie, do you want Worms and - I mean, spaghetti?"

"Good. How about a vegetable?"

"No, it's not Boogers and Brains. It's broccoli and cauliflower. At least when Mommy's around."

"I am not undermining anything!"

"Because I'm not."

"Okay, sweetie, do you want milk to drink?"

"Good. Let's color."

"But I need the green crayon."

"All right, give me the red. I'll color the sun."

"It doesn't have to be yellow. It could be red."

"What about in the evening, when the sun is setting. Doesn't it look kind of red then?"

"I know you're not supposed to stare at the sun. I'm not telling you to stare at the sun. I'm just saying if you've ever looked at the sun in the evening, it looks kind of red."

"Because I'm the Daddy, that's why."

"Trust me, it does."

"I don't know. It has something to do with the atmosphere."

"No, not the atmosphere of the restaurant."

"No, it doesn't have anything to do with how everyone looks and acts on the planet."

"Well, I suppose it does."

"Yes, cars and factories do cause pollution. How do you know all this stuff? You're only seven."

"You watch too much television."

"I know it's public television."

"Yes, I know you learn things from it."

"Don't they teach about sharing on Sesame Street?"

"Good, share the green crayon with me."

"Because I'm the Daddy, that's why."

Erik Deckers is overloaded with work this week and deserves a vacation. This is a column from Sept. 2003. He'll be back with a fresh one next week.

Copyright 2016 Joe Shea The American Reporter. All Rights Reserved.

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