by Erik Deckers
American Reporter Humor Writer
May 7, 2005
TIPS FOR THE NEWLY MARRIED GUY
SYRACUSE, Ind. -- As a Guy who has been married for 11 years, I've learned a lot of tips and tricks every Guy should know about successfully living with their wife. I have embraced them fully, and try to practice them on a daily basis, despite what my wife says to the contrary.
For example, if you're a Guy and have lived on your own for several years, you're not used to having people around who do not think your three-week-old pile of underwear on the couch is funny.
I know, I know. How you ended up with someone like this escapes me too. But it's a legally binding contract, so what can you do? All underwear humor aside though, please clean it up before I come over. I'm not sitting down until the pile is gone and the couch has been burned.
There are a few important rules to remember when sharing your house with a new spouse. And if you're newly married, you don't know these rules yet. It's better than you learn them this way, rather than the hard way. Like I did.
Rule #1: The toilet seat. Always put it down. It's actually a dumb rule, and both parties should try to reach a compromise, like installing a stand-up urinal in the bathroom. But if that's out of the question, try another solution, like always put the seat the opposite way of how you found it, If it's down, put it up, and vice versa.
But if you can't get your wife to budge on this issue, just give in on this one. Trust me, when you're awakened at 2:00 am by the shrill tones of your wife, hollering at you about the toilet seat and her broken tailbone, you'll realize it's in your best interest to just leave it down.
Rule #2: Her stuff is valuable, your stuff is junk. This really isn't a rule as much as a deeply-held belief your wife had the moment she laid eyes on your complete collection of G.I. Joe action figures. For some reason, she thinks they're not as "valuable" as her original, hand-bound leather edition of "The Great Gatsby." And while from a literary view, she may have a point, you just can't play Underwater Rescue in the bathtub with an original F. Scott Fitzgerald book.
However, this logic is not reversible. Her things you would consider junk hold great sentimental value, and can never be discarded. So while your collection of miniature National Football League helmets are just taking up space, her March 1992 issue of People Magazine with Harrison Ford on the cover is "a collectible."
To win this one, just place all of your valuables in a heavy-duty cardboard box and write "Mom's China" or "Grandma's Ashes" on it. Your wife won't open them for the next 15 years. Of course, neither will you, but that's beside the point.
Rule #3: What's hers is hers and what's yours is hers. Some women think it's "cute" and "fun" to wear their husband's clothes on occasion, so be prepared to lose your best sweater or have your favorite dress shirt come up missing. (But get caught wearing her clothes just once, and she's all "he's not the man I married" to her friends for weeks!)
While it is cute at first, it can be a royal pain when your lucky t-shirt comes up missing right before the office softball tournament. So try to keep your clothes smelly and grungy until it's time to wear them. Then do a quick load of laundry and hide the leftovers.
Rule #4: Your friends are disreputable bums who will amount to no good and are a bad influence on your. Her friends have been her closest confidants for years. They are not the harping shrews you accidentally called them when you had a few too many beers after work last week.
If you're like most Guys, the friends you hang out with are the Guys who aren't married yet. They still act like Guys. They still sound like Guys. And, let's face it, they still smell like Guys. But they're still your friends. If you have to give in on every rule to break this one, do it. These Guys are the ones who will come through for you, no matter how bad it is for you. They'll give you the shirt off their backs, and let you crash on their couch when you need it.
Which will be very soon, if you break Rule #1 one more time.