Vol. 22, No. 5,514 - The American Reporter - September 7, 2016

by Erik Deckers
American Reporter Humor Writer
Syracuse, Indiana
April 3, 2005
Make My Day

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SYRACUSE, Ind. -- It's always important, in any business, to appeal to the greatest number of people in your market or audience. Newspapers and magazines write to the average reading level, which is the 6th grade, while radio stations play music that will numb the sensibilities of most people. In some cases, it's smart marketing. In others, it's just dumbing it down to appeal to the lowest common denominator.

But the Bible?

According to a recent story in the ,i>London Observer, a panel of 15 "eminent theologians and linguists" have recommended that the International Bible Society reword its Today's New International Version of the Bible to clear up any confusion that young people might have about it.

It seems the word "stoned" actually means "stoned to death," and has nothing to do with drug addiction. According to these 15 theologians and linguists, this important distinction has escaped the understanding of most young people.

"Dude, have you ever looked at your Bible? I mean, REALLY looked at it?"

I would think, given the Bible's overall "Thou shalt not" reputation, a rule against using recreational drugs to achieve a pleasurable, mind-altering effect would be pretty obvious. So I think if anything has escaped anyone, it's that 15 eminent theologians and linguists have no clue about the average young person of today.

Of course, you have to wonder what is really going through the minds of a typical teenager during a typical teenage Bible study, other than, "Man, Jenny is really hot. I wonder if she'll go out with me." Do they think people went around firing up a left-handed cigarette or snorting a quick line? What do they think it means when someone got stoned in Ancient Israel?

Pharisee #1: Zimri of Heshbon, you have been found guilty of committing adultery while eating a cheeseburger on the Sabbath. The elders of the Temple have decided that you shall be stoned.

Pharisee #2: Yeah, so light up this doobie and play some Pink Floyd's "Dark Side of the Moon."

Prisoner: Aww, man, I wanted to hear some Bob Marley.

Pharisee #1: As it is written, so shall it be. Lay down a little Babylon By Bus.

Pharisee #2: Wait, leader dude!

Pharisee #1: Dave. My name is Dave.

Pharisee #2: Dave's not here, man.

Pharisee #1: What?

Pharisee #2: Never mind. I mean it's not 4:20 yet. Stoning law says that heathens are not allowed to be stoned before 4:20.

Prisoner: Dude, lighten up. It's 4:20 somewhere.

Pharisee #1: Actually, it's 12:45. It's not 4:20 anywhere.

Prisoner: Forget it. Just fire that thing up. I'm ready for my punishment.

Pharisee #2: You're not a cop, are you?! You have to tell us if you're a cop if we ask you.

Pharisee #1: That's right. It's high time the cops quit cracking down on us. It's not like we're hurting anyone.

Pharisee #2: Dude, you said "high time."

Prisoner: That is so freakin' hilarious.

Pharisee #1: I know. I screwed that one up so - wait, what? Who are you?

Prisoner: I'm Dave.

Pharisee #1: No, I'm Dave.

Pharisee #2: Dave's not here, man.

Pharisee #1: Yes, I am. I'm right here. But what are we doing here?

Pharisee #2: What are any of us doing here?

Pharisee #1: No, I mean what are we supposed to be doing here?

Prisoner: I forget.

Pharisee #2: Me too. I gotta go. I need to finish my entry on alt.conspiracy.papyrus. I think the Mesopotamians and Samaritans are trying to control our minds by washing their clothes in our rivers.

Pharisee #1: Yeah, I need to go too. My parents are coming down on me pretty hard. Apparently they're not happy that I'm still living in their basement. I told them, I'm only 32. I've got plenty of time to find my own place. But my old man is on me not to cut my beard or lift anything heavier than a fig on the Sabbath.

Prisoner: Cool. I'll catch you guys later then. You want to meet back here tomorrow? We'll finish up where we left off.

Pharisee #1: That's cool. See ya, dude.

Pharisee #2: Yeah, see ya, Dave.

Pharisee #1: I'm Dave.

Pharisee #2: Dave's not here, man.

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